Saturday, October 30, 2010

Fatigue...

Wow, I have the energy of a slug (you poor things, again I cast aspersions upon you).  I'd like nothing better than to just sleep, but this regimen is going to last a while and I don't want to sleep my life away.  Sadly, I seem to be watching more televsion, for it is easy to loll upon my bed and flip through the channels incessantly.

I am beginning to feel just a bit of pain from the radiation; it hurts a miniscule bit to cough.  And, of course, being asthmatic, I cough alot.  It's not a horrible pain by any stretch of the immagination; I believe this must be what's known as a little 'discomfort.' :D

Got in a good five minutes on my NuStep, though.  Don't want to slack off on that.  Had a little of my leftover scallops with garlic... still very yummy.  I asked Jane to check if they have brown rice at this joint; may as well up the nutrition factor all you can.

We're prepared for trick or treaters tonight, since my neighborhood is predominately Mormon and they cannot participate on their sabbath.  But we historically don't get too many kids.  We're on a cul-de-sac in a no-outlet street, and most of the folks on this street have older children, or are empty nesters.  But Carlos across the street has some youngsters, so we do at least get them.  One year, a local reservation brought a group of children in a van so that was kind of neat. (I personally think they had gotten lost, but whatever works!)

Well, I did take my druid into the Headless Horseman's dungeon, and explained to the group that my response time wasn't very fast, and told them why, and they were all very cool about it.  Oh, it was hideous.  My response-time, not the group.  We did get him down, though, but I lost aggro a few times, and had to push to keep up, so I probably won't be doing this again for a while.  But you gotta love the Horde players; very understanding and considerate.  Zug Zug!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Chinese food, and I ate it!

Just back from radiation round two, and I timed the actual frying time by counting, and it stopped when I got to 40.  Amazing that I get so wired up for 40 seconds worth of radiation.  It's just that the MO says the cumulative effect is really going to beat me up.  And, I suppose I am anticipating that, far too much.

Ok, I don't want an iPAD, now, because I had kind of forgotten the little netbook I keep in the kitchen for quick recipe reference.  But now, I'm going to take that to my marathon chemo sessions.  Got myself a little wireless mouse for it, because I hate touch pads. Nancy ran out to Wally World and found a zippered notebook that fits it all perfectly.

In yet another attempt to get me to eat, Jane's heading out to our local Chinese food purveyor to get me some scallops in garlic sauce.  I'm a sucker for scallops... and garlic!

Here's something my friends will gasp over, but I haven't felt like playing World Of Warcraft.  I'm too tired and I can't concentrate.  My druid is a tank, and really, if you don't play her well, you kill your group, and that's not the goal.  So, I haven't done a Headless Horseman run in days.  Although frankly, most players are so well-geared in anticipation of Cataclysm that I could probably just muddle through and we'd be fine.

Ok, well, that's it for today, and happily I have two days free of treatments.  It's funny, because all the folks in the radiation area were all pretty giddy with happiness at it being Friday... oooh, FRYday.  Heh, every day is FRYday there, except Saturday and Sunday. YAY!

Beautiful morning!

I didn't sleep much last night; it was mostly on and off, and I got up at 6:30.  So much for sleeping later. :)

I think I'll ask Ironwood if it would be OK if I took some pictures of their place to add to this blog.  I'd like to have pictures of the infusion ward, and get a shot of that radiation machine.  Meh, maybe later.

Anyway, I'm still feeling pretty tired today.  Drank an Ensure and had a pancake, maybe one and a half.  I lost 7 pounds... first time in my life I lost weight and started crying.  This is one weird trip I'm on.  (must be!  I just ended a sentence in a preposition... and I don't care!)

My sisters stocked up on the Ensure, which wasn't so bad, really.  I got the butter pecan flavor, and I am still toying with the idea of putting it in my ice cream maker and making a frosty out of it.  

I just took my Chihuahuas outside and it's so beautiful this morning; the sun is bright, the air is crisp (by Arizona standards, so you know... 70-something), and my hibiscus is blooming and the bougainvillea is amazing.  The oranges on the tree behind me (of which I get probably 1/3 of their yield) are starting to turn from green to orange. These are navels, too... too bad I won't be able to have any for a while.  Can't have fresh fruit because of dangers of bacterial contamination.  But, I can drink juices.

Oh lordy, speaking of juices; so there are juice boxes... and pretty decent ones in the little fridge in the Infusion Ward, and enough candy to make Willy Wonka jealous.  I wondered if it would be wise to eat and infuse, but apparently, people do it with reckless abandon.  I didn't hear a soul get sick in the three and a half hours I was doing chemo yesterday, and so far, today, while I don't feel nauseated, I am not feeling really good either.

My sister Nancy says I should probably start taking naps whenever I can, to augment lack of sleep.  I'll try that.  Oh, they gave me my schedule for November on a nice little calendar print out.  I have to go have blood tests the Wednesday before every chemo.  The infusion nurse said she doubted Sonora Quest had the ability to use my port, so my arm is probably going to look like I am a heroin addict.  (See, Marie Claire editors, that's HEROIN, not HEROINE... idiots.)

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tequila's Big Adventure

Ok, you saw below that things didn't start out very well, but thanks to the medicinal properties of a relaxing shower, and Xanax, it did get better.

Got to Ironwood and met with MO (medical oncologist).  I will probably see him every two weeks.  He told me I really needed to do a Medical Leave of Absence, so I called our company's leave people, and they are going to send him the paperwork.  He wants me out for six months.  Thank gods I am covered.

He told me to get some Ensure, go to McDonald's for shakes (pass!), and iterated that this treatment regimen is going to be tough on me, but I have to keep my weight where it is.

MO took me down to the infusion ward, as I like to call it, and sadly, the place was hopping with people.  And holy crap, I feel SO YOUNG! :)

Now, because I am really, really tired, I'm going to put the rest of my notes here as bullet points.

    • There are 32 chairs in the infusion ward, and we were full.  That made me so sad.
    • As noted, almost every person here is past middle age (and thus, I feel like a teen-ager)
    • The Benadryl did make me very sleepy
    • Next time, I want to get a chair that doesn't face right into the giant clock
    • Something in those infusions got my kidneys pumping and I got my exercise with LOTS of trips to the facilities.
    • I love the staff at Ironwood
    • Did fine through the first chemo, and wondered if maybe it was just saline, but no, there were the words Toxic and Hazardous Material... gads
    • My oncology nurse is Donna :)
    • I ate some Pringles Baked Wheat Jalapeno Sticks, and drank some juice.
    • I want an iPAD!  Ironwood has a hotspot in the infusion ward!
    • The Taxol went first, then we did the Carboplatin
So, really, everything went swimmingly with the chemo.  Then I headed over to radiation, and oooh, what a cool machine this thing is!  Got scanned first to make sure the marks on my body were still in the right place, and then got the treatment.  Afterwards, I got my tattoos where the radiation goes in.  Crapola, how can people stand HUGE, REAL tattoos? 

You know, journaling through it all really helped me to put things into perspective.  Hey, it wasn't a fun day, but it wasn't a trip to Bonzo's House of Horrors, either. :)

Holy Guacamole! She's back!

ACK!  I don’t know if this is the Queen of Neuroses that has taken over my body, but holy crap, I’m suddenly so nervous!  Oh, sure I write a good party-line about how I’m ‘strong like bull.’  Currently, I feel ‘weak like slug!’
First, let me apologize to all slugs.  I’m guessing you’re not really weak, but I could not come up with anything else at the spur of the moment.  What I am really trying to do is calm down.  I don’t even want to think of what my heart rate is right now.  Oh boy, when they take my blood pressure today, they’ll probably gasp.
I’ve got my nervous cough going, too.  Stupid asthma.  Wow, nerves are making me less than erudite, although it’s still pretty good to come up with a word like erudite.  Anyway, I have to remember that I don’t have to do any of this.  I choose to do this.  I want to live a few more years at least.  I CHOOSE TO DO THIS!  This is my decision, not mandated by the government or peer pressure or gods only know what else.
Ok, let me go take a shower and get dressed, and I’m sure I’ll start feeling more in control. 

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Tomorrow's a Big Day

So, I put in nine hours today, and tomorrow I'll work three, and then take a half day vacation, since I'll be spending most of my time at Ironwood. I added a little notebook to my goodie bag, so I can journal if I feel like it.

My two chemos are Carboplatin and Taxol.  I have a book, that they gave me at Ironwood:  "Chemotherapy and You."  It's published by the US Department of Health and Human Services, and it's a very good resource to help you deal with all the issues surrounding Chemotherapy.  I like that it has a list of foods that help mitigate side effects.  It says that if you're having appetite issues, instant breakfast drinks and liquid meal replacements are a good choice.  I also like the fact that on the very first page, it says, "Rather than read this book from beginning to end, look at just those sections you need now.  Later, you can always read more."  Now that is very sensitive.  I'm the type of person that would read it cover to cover, and then get freaked out by stuff in there that may not pertain to me.  Good job, US Department of Health and Human Services!

Well, I really don't have much to say today.  The pain that used to happen only when I ate, is now coming more frequently, and I'll be sure to tell the oncs about that.  It's waking me at night, and I really, really love to sleep. :)  I was just proof-reading this, and every time I call them 'oncs,' I read Orcs.  Better not tell THEM that. ...hehehe.

Anyway, it's time to get to bed.  I need to start work at six, so I can put in my three hours, then get ready for MY BIG DAY.  I'm a bit anxious about the unknown, but not so much that it will interfere with sleep. Mentally, I think I am prepared... well, as much as you can be for this.

If all goes well, I'll tell you all about both the chemo and radiation therapy in tomorrow's post.  Until then, let all of us sleep well and have fabulous dreams.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Radiation is a GO!

Talk about a double-edged sword... I'm thrilled that I have been given the OK for the radiation treatments, as they are, minus the surgery, my best hope for survival, but ... you know,... the thought kinda scares me.

I know, I know, I'm supposed to reserve judgement until I actually experience it myself.  I wonder if they will let me take some Xanax before the first one?  What a coward I am. :D

So, first radiation treatment is also on Thursday, just about an hour and a half after my first chemo.  The nurse said to check in right after chemo, and if they can get me in, they will.  She also said I won't take long, and I liked the sound of that.  It's just I have to do it every single day (with weekends off) for eight to ten weeks.

Well, you know, considering the alternative, I'll be there with bells on!

I've been making a list of things to talk to the oncs about:  Do they have a nutritionist at the center, or is there one they recommend?  Should I go ahead and get some liquid nutritional supplements?  Can I have a glass of wine if it doesn't hurt?  Oh, and of course, can I take a Xanax before the radiation? 

Talked with my friend, Polly, today.  She always makes me laugh, and we both agree that to keep laughing will  definitely have a positive influence on my ability to manage all these treatments.  I got tired, though, after talking for about twenty minutes.  But I love Polly, and she can surely brighten up my day.

I've got my Kindle loaded up with books, reference materials and games, so that's what I am taking with me on Chemo Thursdays.  I don't think I should actually need any diversions for the daily rads.  I know the first infusion contains Benadryl, an anti-nausea and some steroids, oh, and Pepcid, or something like that.  If I am lucky, perhaps the Benadryl will make me sleepy and I can catch a nap through the next two infusions. One can but hope. :D

And that's the news of the day!

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Ostrich Pulls her Head out of the Sand...

When I was adding the link to Ironwood Cancer and Research Center in one of my posts, I decided to look around and clicked on Esophageal Cancer.  Now I could tell from the reactions of all the doctors that are caring for me, that this was a pretty nasty cancer.
I was not prepared to see that only 5% of people survive to five years post diagnosis.  What amazes me, is that when I READ it, it scares the crap out of me, but as soon as I put it aside, it just becomes numbers and statistics, and … hey, someone DOES survive, and why can’t that someone be ME?  Hope that doesn’t sound selfish.
I think at the beginning, I didn’t want to know anything about stages and my chances of survival because I didn’t pay attention to that stuff with the BC, and I got through it with flying colors.  And in the general scheme of things lots more people GET BC, and so more research has been done to cure and/or control it.
Esophageal cancer is relatively rare.  Estimated new cases in the United States in 2010 (of which I am now one) will be 16,640.  This is from the National Cancer Institute.  14,500 people will die from this cancer in 2010.
I know this posting isn’t exactly in keeping with my normal positive writing, but I needed to put it there, type it, see it, and not be afraid of it.  I am not afraid of it.  Not thrilled in any sense of the word, but certainly no longer afraid to know the truth about it.  I am ‘strong like bull.’
And now, I can just get on with the fight.  The truth is out, and when you think about it, they’ve been telling me for quite a while that my lungs would shorten my lifespan, so I have, for a good long time, now, taken living as an amazing gift.  That won’t change.  And although there will probably be quite a few unpleasant things in store for me, I still have my family, my wonderful friends, Chihuahua slobber, beautiful Arizona skies, my hibiscus, and the trees in my back yard.   I can still write, I can still read, I can still watch The Food Networks and eat vicariously through them. :D

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Things You Never Thought You'd Hear...

"..and DO NOT lose any weight."  This from my radiation oncologist.  Words I never thought to hear in my lifetime.  I'm not the most svelt of women and years of steroids have made my metabolism sloth-like, but of course, with this cancer, I am dropping weight far too easily.

Between Friday morning and Saturday evening, I had lost 4 lbs.  So, knowing that my radiation treatment measurements had all been taken on that Friday, I quite bravely decided I had to eat... Ice Cream!  Yes, Ice Cream,... one of those things I had rather denied myself except as a very occasional treat.  Like in the old days, when I had David Pickles as my minion.  He loved ice cream, and would find me a drumstick once a week.  It was heaven.  He was a good minion. :)

But once my pulmonologist had sent me to pulmonary rehab, and I began making workouts habitual, it just wasn't something I wanted or needed, Ice Cream.  I have a NuStep.  Go see it HERE!  This was one of the pieces of equipment they had us use in rehab, and it was my personal favorite.  It's one that I use at a sustainable rate.  When I was first in rehab, I used it for 11 minutes, but 5 minutes, then a 5 minute rest and then the last 6 minutes, and that was with no resistance.  Today, or at least before this cancer hit, I was doing an average of 38 uninterrupted minutes a day, at level three resistance.

Right now, though, um, not so much.  Still, I get on it and do what I can because I don't want to lose the habit it has become.  And it's still good for my lungs!  I love my NuStep, and it's probably the reason why my lung disease has been stable for a while, now.

So, anyway, now I get to obsess about my weight in a whole new way.  YAY!  Blech.  I'm going to ask my MO about something like Ensure or Glucerna, because frankly, liquids do not hurt as much as solid foods, pulverized by chewing or not.  Wendy says they have quite a few liquid nutritional supplements by prescription only, so maybe that is where we can go.  I don't care; I'm just tired of the pain.

And on that uplifting note, it's Sunday afternoon, and I think I shall take my 'toons back to Azeroth and go Trick or Treating!  Hasta la vista, folks!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

With LOVE from India...

My oldest sister, Cee (not to be confused with the niece of the same name) is an ordained minister, and her influence is global.  Tonight, she called to tell me that a Christian congregation in India was praying for me.  WOW, how powerful is that, that people half a world away from you have you in their thoughts, praying with all their might that you be healed?  It touches me deeply.

My thoughts about religion are pretty much all negative, but I have a very strong appreciation for spirituality, which is what I feel is being exhibited by all these people who don't know me from Samantha Stevens.  (I've noticed a few "Betwitched" references in this blog... what can it mean?  Besides that I'm old, thank you.)

I think that this congregation in India affects me a lot like my beloved quilts; you feel all warm and glowy because someone CARES.  Humans need to know that other humans care about their well-being.  I think we get so inundated with negative acts of humanity, by virtue of the zillion and one media outlets, that we don't always see that most of us are just freaking good people, trying to be the best we can be and give back to our fellow people.

I see it all the time; a neighbor two doors down that drives her elderly neighbor to stores, doctor's appointments and anywhere for anything, and never complains.  The dad across the street, who teaches his children to love and respect animals.  My youngest sister, who volunteers in post op at her local hospital at least once a week.  My other sisters, Jane and Nancy, who make sure I take my meds, and get to my appointments.  My niece, Alaina, who is hugely involved with the Best Buddies program at her High School. 

Well, there you have it.  I see INFINITELY more love, happiness and caring in this life than I see evil, cruelty and apathy.  Not to say I haven't seen those negative things, but they are not the norm...far from it!  I watched this whole neighborhood come together the day a punk ran down Helen the Hen, then turned his car around to try to take out her chicks. We couldn't save Helen, but that Dad across the street, along with three other neighbors and my sisters, managed to round up six or seven chicks, and gave them a chance at life.  (I wrote a poem about that day, but I think I'll spare you all.)

Ok, well, not really sure where all this came from tonight, but I think it's time for bed.  Just don't ever give up on humanity, folks.  We're worth digging through the media's dreck to find the truth about how awesome we really are.  Try it, please?

Friday, October 22, 2010

Time for Sweet Dreams....

And once again, it is Friday.  I never knew I could become SO excited about weekends.  I mean, yeah, normally, you don't work on the weekends, but I don't hate my job, so that's not a big deal.  But of course, you get extra sleep on the weekends.  HAHAHAH, ......sorry....that's the theory anyway.

Actually, unless the RO's staff calls to tell me they want to start radiation, I don't have a care until Thursday.  Dear gods, that is almost an ENTIRE week of no doctors, scans, needles, etc.  HEAVEN!

Last night, I don't know what happened.  I was in the worst pain of my life.  I think it was right after I took my night time drugs, so perhaps one of my pills lodged on top of  the evil tumor, but .. wow..it was scary.  Finally started to dissipate around 11:30 pm.  Tonight, when I took my pills, I drank enough water to float a boat, and so far, all is well.
****

Hey, Hope, we made your mom's casserole for dinner tonight, and please tell her it was awesome!  And it didn't hurt that much, as long as I chewed it into oblivion before I swallowed. ;)  Oh, and speaking of Hope, here is the necklace that my co-workers (such a silly term... MY FRIENDS, they are) sent me:
 It's wonderful!



Well, I think I'll have an early night, since I didn't get much sleep last night.  But first, let me tell you all how much it means to me to have so many folks sending prayers, loving wishes and good juju for my recovery; it makes me mindful that every single day is worth whatever I have to do to continue on in this life.

Love and kisses!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Return of the Queen

As I was getting ready to go play a little World of Warcraft, I found myself musing about the Queen of Neuroses, who made a cameo appearance today at Ironwood.  And I have come to the conclusion that all of my terror "frames of reference" were instilled in me via my mom's health problems toward the end of her life.

To whit, CT's with contrast.  I have dreaded those words for YEARS, because my mom would weave horror stories around every kind of lab test, or scan, or ANYTHING, and I bought into it.  Now, I know it seems like a cop out that I'm blaming all this on my mom, but it's either her or the Catholic Church, and I don't recall any nuns moaning about CT scans.  With or without contrast.

So, I solemnly swear that I shall try hard to meet new experiences with a clean slate and make my own judgements about their terror-invoking proclivities, and I also do swear that I shall not cast my own neuroses to anyone else, as best I can.

I feel better now.

See, this blog really IS a great therapist!

Un Petit Rant (how to ruin several languages at once)

Today, after work, I headed out to my second home, Ironwood Cancer and Research Center, to get my CT with contrast and get measured and fitted for my possible radiation treatments.

Again, never having had the contrast (and it's iodine, if not iodine-based), I was a bit nervous, and also because today would be the first use of the infusion port.  I LOVE MY PORT!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, now that we have that part over, may I just have a short rant on CT's in general?  Yes, they are relatively quick and easy, yes, they are an important part of knowing what's going on deep inside your body, but CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SOME FREAKING LUMBAR SUPPORT???

Wow, I'm thinking the iodine has made me into some raving malcontent.  But seriously, if they expect you to lie on your back for 20-30 minutes on a very hard board, and kids, it IS 2010, can't they figure out a way to do it so that you don't have to bite your lip because of the back pain?

I had to stop and get some albuterol half way through, too, as I don't breathe well flat on my back.  But that worked out fine, and I guess I'll be taking my puffer with me if we do the radiation treatments.  A pre-radiation dose is probably going to help get me through. :)

The Bard Power Port is what I have, and yes, apparently infusionistas prefer it hands-down.  I wish I could describe the needle contraption that they use with it.  It is so amazing to have an IV and not have all the anxiety of having to find a vein and hope for the best.  Yep, this thing is awesome!  Best part of all is that it gets flushed with saline and doesn't need Heparin!  WOOHOO!

I really do think that iodine is making me giddy, or maybe it's lack of food.  Jane just called me to dinner, so let's go try to eat!

Have a fabulous evening, everyone!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Minions ... they're not just for evil geniuses.

Now that things are finally moving on the treatment front, I've contacted my company's Leave Management folks to get the ball rolling on Intermittent Family Leave.  I know there will come some days when I can't drag myself out of bed, so I'll use this resource which helps take the worry out of how to make up the time.

As you can tell from the blog, I have had to make a few trips to doctors, but I am working around those trips for all I'm worth.  As long as that server in California stays up, I'll be one happy analyst. :)

Yes, radiation or not, Dr. F, the MO called to tell me that he's got me scheduled for Chemo on Thursdays.  If we do it, kind of in the afternoon, I can do what I did for today and tomorrow; work 10 hours the day before, and then six hours the next day, and then present myself for poisoning.  That'll work.

One of my minions, Hope, stopped by after work, and brought me a really wonderful card and a wish necklace.  If I find the website, I'll post a link, but the charm on the necklace is a macaw; yes my love of birds is well-known!  The card was signed by my work group and oh my gosh, I'm getting teary-eyed; it was so full of love.  How cool is it that I work with people that I love?

Oh, I should explain the minion part:  our group gets fresh-out-of-university people for a business skills rotation program.  Years ago, I started calling the young ones my minions.  Now, if you look up the definition of minion, you will see that ONE of the meanings is "a favored person."  Well, naturally, that's the term I'm using. ;)

The best part about having minions is that you learn so much from them!  Of course, as they learn, they also teach, even though they may not know it.  They bring un-prejudiced eyes and fresh ideas, and let me tell you, they keep me young!  AND the added bonus is that you learn about cool new PC games you will enjoy.   Yeah, I love my minions!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Quick Update...

Well, RO finally had her chat with MO, and Thursday, I'll be having a CT prior to running the radiation simulations.  They have to analyze a load of data to decide how they are going to radiate and what area will be radiated.

Chemo is slated to start on the 28th, and IF they are doing the radiation, it will begin on that day as well.

So, Thursdays are going be chock-full of fun for about 8 weeks.  Of course radiation is every day for 8 weeks.  I can do it. :)



----------------------------***-----------------------------



And here is a small picture of the shawl and hat that Julie crafted for me. 
I've changed my profile pic to show you the pink hat.  Aren't they neat??

A Pre-Chemo Haircut...

Dr. T, the RO had told me to call her on Tuesday afternoon, if I had not heard from her by then.  Had to leave a message, but I did call.  Hopefully, someone will call back soon.  I need to get this ball rolling, you know?

Today, though, I went and got my pre-chemo haircut.  I never realized I had such a pin head.  Seriously.  Here, look:
Yeah, I don't think we could have gotten this cut much more.  My question is:  Who stole my eyebrows?  I never quite had Brooke Shields' type eyebrows, but dang!

Just at the bottom of the photo you can see the incision where the port tubing got attached to the superior vena cava.  Both of the incisions are almost completely healed, so I'm good to go... now if only they would GET ME GOING!  (the gritted teeth should be implied by the CAPS)

My sister-in-law, Julie, was just here, bringing me hand-knitted goodies to get me through the coming frosty winter.  I know people in Michigan and Illinois, not to mention Ohio (Wendy and Dean) would grin knowingly about how awfully 'cold' our winters are, but hey, this is the coldest place I have ever lived!  It's all relative.

Anywho, Julie made me a wrap and matching hat, and then a second hat, all of which are oh-so-soft.  She took pictures and I'll share those just as soon as she sends them to me.  Why I didn't have her d/l them to this one while she was here,.... drat.

I can smell some wonderful chicken with chilies ... Jane's making me stew.  Oh the temptation of that scent.  Poor Jane is trying so hard to keep me fed.  I hate worrying her, but I think she's taking this whole thing pretty darned well. 

I once told someone that truly one of the hardest things about having cancer is the effect it has on the people that love you.  My family is not stupid and they know how to find out the survival rates on this type of cancer, and it's hard to see someone you love going through this ordeal without a way to tangibly help them.  I just want everyone to know that I'm going to fight as long as I can, but if it comes down to the point where it's pointless to put myself through treatments that ultimately are not working or helping, I am quite fine with the inevitability of death.  I am not afraid of it.  I don't believe it's anything to worry about or fear.  And besides, everyone does it. :)

So stay tuned for upcoming photos of me in my cool new knitted accessories.  I'll be stylin' in the infusion ward.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Cockatoos, ring necks and macaws, OH MY!

It was a quiet Monday; I did get a call from Ironwood Cancer and Research Center, but it was to tell me that my treatments have been approved by my insurance.  I said that was great, and .. um,... when do they START?

The kind woman looked in the schedule, but didn't see anything, "But I'm in the administration section, so I really can't help you, sorry."  Hey, not to worry, at least the insurance has me covered.

It's getting harder and harder to eat, but the RO wants me to keep my weight where it is.  So, I'm thinking we'll go get some Ensure by the case, or something.  I tried some Italian Wedding soup for dinner, but it was a tad uncomfortable.

The weekend was mostly uneventful.  My niece, Cee, was here on Sunday, and I confess that I started to get a little anxious when I got out the evil tumor pictures for her to see.  I mean really, those photos truly do make me crazy, so I put them away, and I hope nobody else ever wants to see them, because I don't want to see them ever again.

So, I dragged poor Cee over to my computer, where we got onto YouTube and proceeded to watch TONS of videos of parrots; macaws in the shower, a ring neck flirting with a cockatiel...  Until we got to Snowball(tm) the cockatoo, and we could not drag ourselves away.  Ok, perhaps to be specific it was ME that couldn't drag herself away... I'm guessing Cee could have given it a pass. :)

I did get all my beneficiary information updated on my life insurance and my Retirement Savings.  Best to plan for the worst and expect the best... or something.  Anyway, it's all done and really, that's such a huge consideration.  I would not want to worry about my family coping after I am gone.  Now, I don't have to.

Looking forward to getting my hair cut tomorrow; it's my attempt to forestal great clumps of thick, curly hair from appearing on my pillow one morning, and thinking I woke to a dead chihuahua or something.  Just kidding, as, of course, none of my chihuahuas have salt and pepper hair.  Or curls, for that matter. 

Well, I'm tired and it's not even five PM, but I've coughed a lot today, ... it's exercise... HAH, but, I'm really thinking it's a change in the weather.  Oh please.  I want a cold, cuddle-up-in-the-down-blanket type of night... and SOOOOON!  However, knowing me, I will enjoy the cold for a week, and then start complaining.  I'm such a baby about being cold.

Friday, October 15, 2010

TGIF, baby!

YAY for Fridays!  I love Friday because it means TWO WHOLE DAYS of no doctors, or surgeries or chemo or radiation starting tomorrow!!!  WOOHOOO!

Well, I saw the radiation oncologist (RO) today, and BOY is this going to be an adventure. :D

She tells me that one of the side effects of the radiation is hair loss.  At the site of the radiation.  Which is my chest.  Now, I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but... I don't HAVE any hair on my chest.  So, no worries there.  Next on the list of immdiate side effects?  Could be something like a slight tan to a sunburn.  Hmmm, my oldest brother used to call me Mayonnaise because I was as white as Best Foods REAL Mayonnaise.  I apparently got my skin tone DNA from my Irish-ish mother, and not my Mexican-ish father.  Yes, I am ... pale.  So, maybe I'll finally get some color, and how bad can that be? 

Ok, that's two side effects with which I can deal.  But of course, there has to be the actual serious ones, and those would be inflammation of the esophagus, a radiation related pnuemonitis, and possible heart injury.  Again, if we don't do this, I die... so really, is there a choice?  I'll takes my chances.

But don't think for a moment that I do not appreciate the candor of all the doctors with whom I'm working.  I'm a revoltingly happy person, but despite that, I do fully understand that I may not have another birthday.  So many complications can arise from any and all of the coming treatments, but I also know that WITHOUT them, I have no hope at all.

RO is going to consult with MO (medical oncologist) on Monday, and weigh the risk/benefit ratios and see where we go from here.  One option is to begin the chemo and see how that progresses before radiation begins.  In theory, that would lessen the radiation area of effect and limit the possibility of more damage to my lungs.

Yes, optimally, we would just get on with the chemo and radiation together, but as the RO says, she doesn't want me to end up on O2 24/7 because of the radiation.  Right now, I only use Oxygen in a bleed into my CPAP while I sleep.

So, I'm taking the weekend off.  I'm going to read, eat what I can, play World of Warcraft and sleep as much as possible, and I'll see you all on Monday. 

TGIF!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Cadillac of Ports...

Yes, today was the surgery to install the infusion port, and apparently, I have gotten the best of the best.  MINE doesn't have to have Heparin washes!   Ok, I know what heparin is... anticoagulant?  So, I assume they shoot up a little of that prior to infusion to make sure the way is clear, or something.

You know, it may not be the best time to be writing anything on this Blog, as I'm not sure I'm no longer under the influence of anesthesia.  Alas, I shall proceed.  Paramount Surgery Center was pretty decent.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but the staff was fantastic and the nurses were awesome, especially my pre-op nurse who searched tirelessly for a vein in which to put my IV.

My anesthesiologist was apparently just awarded doctor of the month by Banner Gateway, and was making sure everyone knew it; not in a pompous way, either.  He was a sweetie. 

After the surgery, several of the nurses were ooh'ing and ahh'ing about my infusion port, which is how I learned that they consider it top-notch. Once I get more lucid and feel like finding the information which came with it, I'll let you all know what it is.  Oh, I felt it!  Granted, I don't want to go running my fingers over the incision area, but I just barely traced over it, and you can feel it.  I wonder if you can see it.  Be right back....

Nope, it's not protruding or anything, but of course, it's still looking kinda post surgery ickky.  And I think I'm going to go to bed.  I had some of the tortilla soup broth for dinner... oh lordy that was good!  But it's been a long day, and tomorrow I have the appointment with the Radiation Oncologist.  Sigh.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Quilted with Love

There is just something about a hand-made quilt, made especially for YOU, that makes you feel all warm and glowy inside.  I received a package in the mail today, from California.  Inside was a very tactilely (yes I do make up new words with alarming frequency) delicious quilt with pink velvet (hey, it could be velour, but all I know is, it's SO soft!) on one side, and amazing quilting on the other side.

This thoughtful gift came from my niece, Sandi, my great niece Lindsay and my Sister-in-Law Pat.  I call it thoughtful, because Sandi explained that a friend of hers had gone through something similar to me, and she knew that the chemo room was going to be cold as ice.  And indeed, I had already been warned by the nurse during my 'chemo class' that it might be a good idea to bring a blanket.

Interestingly enough, the last time someone made me a beautiful quilt was when I had breast cancer.  Two friends of mine, Vicki and Judy, who both belonged to the company quilting club, had worked on it while I was out on leave, and when I got back, they brought it to me at my desk.  How lovely to know that people think of you enough to do something that requires such skill, and time!  I STILL get misty-eyed about that quilt.  So in receiving today's package, I not only felt the love from my out of state family, but I experienced the remembered love from the first quilt. How lucky am I?

The original quilt features bright, saturated colors and fabric depicting parrots and other birds.  Before my lungs started having major problems, I had done parrot rescue and had several of the intelligent creatures gracing my life.  So, Vicki and Judy knew I would love that fabric.  I love it so much, I redid my bedroom in complementary colors so that I could mount the parrot quilt on my wall.  It's a reminder that no matter how difficult things become in one's life, you can always find beauty and love.

Well, tomorrow is port surgery day, so I guess I should try to get some sleep. 

Thank you again, Sandi, Lindsay and Pat.  I love you, my dear family.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A Bit Overwhelmed Once More...

Today I saw the oncologist again.  He is sending me over to the radiation oncologist (RO) on Friday.  Then she’ll work up a treatment regimen, if she decides to treat me. 

Dr. F’s nurse said my Blood Pressure was 140/82 today.  Well, yes, I get scared when I’m in there.  Normally, I have great BP, and despite the fact that the facility has a nice, calm, clean vibe, it’s still where you go to get poisoned and fried.  It’s pretty hard NOT to react somewhat negatively under the circumstances.

Interestingly, Dr. F says he’d start chemo the same day Dr. T (RO) starts radiation therapy, if she decides to treat me.  I didn’t really comprehend that statement until now.  Why would she NOT want to treat me?  But guess what?  I’m not going to think about that right now.  And why?  Because the whole ‘feeding tube’ topic came up again. 

I love to cook; and with it, I love to eat.  However I can do without eating if it means I have a chance to live.  But cooking, for me, is another of those creative outlets.  Ironically, it was following my mastectomy and reconstruction surgery, that I found The Food Network.  Holy moley, a whole network about cooking!  I was in heaven, so although I wasn’t in any shape to cook or eat much at that time, I filed all the fascinating information I was acquiring into my brain for future reference.

When I was a teenager, I convinced my parents that Sunday would be my day to cook.  Oh, there was no telling WHAT would end up on our Sunday table.  I did curries, I cooked a leg of lamb, I made Moussaka, my green chili chicken enchiladas, and a memorable Paella.  It was so much fun, experimenting and learning and my family, who came together for those Sunday dinners, (brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces and nephews, etc.) seemed to be happy about it.

So, yeah, I got a little morose about the subject of the feeding tube, but as my friend Paul always tells me, ‘This too shall pass.”  I think it’s biblical. ;)

Monday, October 11, 2010

This one's all over the place...

Tomorrow, I return to the oncologist, and he will have had time to decipher all the path reports and my medical history.  Perhaps he will have decided on whether or not I will have radiation as well as chemo.

Thursday I'm having the surgery to install the infusion port in my chest, and I wonder how long after that it's good to use?  I mean, will Dr. F say my first chemo will be on Friday?  So far, I'm keeping up with work, and thanks to IM's, e-mail and the good old phone, I'm keeping in touch with my customers.  I can see a time coming when I end up working on the weekends because of chemo fatigue or something.  Even now, I'm finding it hard to start working at six in the morning; today I didn't get on-line until six-thirty... scandalous! :)

You know, when I found out I had this esophageal cancer, I wanted my mother back so badly.  And it's weird because at the end of her life, our roles had changed.  I became provider and care-giver, and she sometimes had almost childish moodiness, but thankfully, what's most easily remembered about my mom was her amazing stoicism.  Yet, I can think of no one on earth who was more emotionally fragile in some ways.  I'd hate to say I get my anxiety disorder from her, but, oh believe me, she was many times worse than I.

In her day, you didn't see therapists or counselors; you bucked up and dealt with it, or like her, tried to self medicate it away.  And maybe that's why I'm so leery of taking those Xanax unless someone's trying to put me in a tube.  I, on the other hand, am an advocate of therapy.  When my friend Evelyn died at 46, after a twenty year battle with breast cancer, I used our company's Employee Assistance on-site therapist to work through that grief, and those few sessions got me back on track with mental tools I use even now to make sense of life.

Of course, the writing has always been my best source of therapy; it helps me get outside of myself and see life for what it really is, not what my fears are trying to tell me it is.  And the projects.. oh yes, here is a shot of that very first mosaic, but this was pre-grout.
Music is something else that grounds me.  I love to listen to film scores and my favorite composers are Hans Zimmer, Danny Elfman, Thomas Newton Howard and Howard Shore.  My friend, Paul, introduced me to the work of Clyde Bawden, a composer and pianist I would NEVER in a zillion years have found on my own.  He composed wonderful music that accompanied a photography exhibit we all went to see last Christmas.  If you want to see some of the most evocative and touching photography ever, look up the work of Mark Mabry.  I'm not a Christian, but for me, it's all about the love and the sensitivity of this man's work.  I love it.

Now, I think it's time to go drag out my Tauren Druid and run a few old dungeons before they are forever banished into cyberspace.  Until tomorrow, dear readers!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Projects!

My friend Marilyn tells me it's healthy to have projects, and I agree whole-heartedly.  I've got a work table set up in my library where I work on mosaics and other things like drawing with water color pencils.  Oh, those are the greatest invention known to casual artists!

Today I had what Alice Kravitz would have called "One of my SICK Headaches!"  I tried really hard to concentrate on my current project, which is mosaic'ing a large planter my sisters found me at a thrift store.  I love to repurpose or same purpose, as long as I can add my 'touch' to it.

The problem was that the headache made me irritable, and I knew I couldn't take anything for it, but Tylenol, which scares me, and so I just tried to work through it.  HAH!  I had bits of glass falling off the pot, getting glue everywhere, and ... ugh.  It just wasn't the right day to work on my pot.

This picture above is from when I was working on the frame for my bathroom mirror.  It was tons of fun and I used rocks, and broken pottery, and bits of glass, and old broken jewelry parts; it's colorful with lots of fun bits to look at and enjoy.  It's a happy piece.  The first thing I ever mosaic'd was my address numbers.  I am quite proud of it, and it hangs from my eave in front of my porch.

I should really work on a 'real' project, tomorrow, like cleaning out my dressers and re-arranging my closet, but you know, I think I'll just ... do nothing... have a little calm before the storm.  Sleep late... heheh, like at least until 7AM. ;)

Friday, October 8, 2010

QUITE an Adventure!

The visit to the pulmonolgist was interesting; I think he was really taken aback when I showed him the tumor photo in all its glorious color.  He couldn't believe I never had a symptom.  But I didn't.  We had absolutely NO idea I'd ever present with Esophageal Cancer.  And such an advanced case, ai chihuahua.

Dr. S checked my lungs, and told me to be sure to have the oncologist contact him.  You see, if you do the radiation, there is a possibility that I'll lose more lung fuction due to scarring.  I'm just below 40%, and able to get around, albeit rather slowly, and definitely not in a sustained manner.  If you just met me and I was seated, you would never guess I had lung disease, unless it was a bad asthma day and I was having a hard time getting a complete sentence out between breaths.

One of the things I learned in my last go-round with cancer is that you HAVE to have all the doctors communicating.  And you had best have doctors that appreciate each other.  Every one of the doctors I have on my team know the others, either by reputation, or personally, and each has the greatest respect for the other.  Of course, I can't stress enough that your primary care doc really needs to be the conduit for everything.  He ensures that everyone gets your records and understands the challenges inherent in underlying conditions, such as lung disease.

As my sister and I drove home from the pulmo, I told her if Mom was alive, she'd probably tell me that I was having QUITE the adventure.  Whenever Mom was going through something difficult, once it was over, she'd tell us, "well, I certainly have had quite the adventure."  Kind of like she'd just scaled Mt. Everest, or perhaps discovered life on Mars, but actually, if you think about it, it all really is an adventure, and like all good adventures, if you can survive it, you're stronger, smarter and happier.

Yep, it's been an adventure so far. :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Record Breaking WEEK!

Whoa, tomorrow I have to go see my pulmonologist.  That means, I've seen more doctors this week than I normally do all year. Ai carumba!

My PC likes to be kept in the loop, since after all, that P *does* stand for PRIMARY, and he's a hell of a good guy to have in that role.  So, I brought him up to speed with the Oncologist visit and the Surgeon visit, and he said, "You really need to go see Dr. S (pulmo) before that port surgery."  Oh, and that has finally been scheduled for the 14th, next Thursday.

Oh, fine, then... let me make another call.  Well, the Pulmonary practice is pretty busy and I got put on hold, but.. how can one complain when they are playing Barry White?  Oh the memories!  When we were kids, my sister, Sam, ADORED Barry White and she had all his albums, and they were well-played.  That voice.  Like velvet sliding over soft, sun-kissed shoulders... *cough*.. but I digress.

When the quite polite, yet personable woman answered the phone, I told her I needed to see Dr. S and played both my tumor AND my PC-name-dropping cards.  And thus, I see him tomorrow.

If there is one thing that cancer DOES do, it gets you results.  Like the day I called to make my first appointment with the oncologist, the lady said something about two weeks, to which I replied, "well, I have this 4cm tumor in the middle of my chest."  "Hold please."... a moment later, "We'll see you Tuesday."  Yeah, it sucks to have this card to play, but I may as well make use of it.

My sister, Jane, is making me a salmon burger for dinner.  I'm having a hard time eating, so she's spoling me with some of my favorite things, and Nancy is already designing me hats to wear once my hair deserts my head.  I posted on my facebook account that I wondered if, after losing my hair, I would look like Wo Fat.  Then I thought, oh lordy, how many people amongst my FB friends would actually know who the heck Wo Fat WAS?  And how in the world did I even think about him?  I have a very strange mind.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Pulp Fiction saved my sanity...

Saw my favorite surgeon today, to get scheduled to install that infusion port.  You know you have a tough row to hoe when your surgeon looks at you with sad eyes.  Gads. :)

After going over numerous things with him, and getting my hug, Jane and I set off to do my blood tests; both pre-op and pre-chemo tests.  After having to have several pokes just to get blood, I am MORE than happy to get that port on board.  Surgeon asked if I knew what it was, and I said that I figured it was like the expander from the breast reconstruction.  He smiled and said, "Exactly!"

I remember the first day I had to go get a 'fill' of saline put into my expander.  Having not had the procedure before, I was a little scared.  Dr. L, the reconstructive surgeon got me on the exam table, and pulled out a little square object, and waved it over my chest.  I asked him if that was his stud finder, and he smiled and said, "Close enough."

Finding the port, he put a dot on it with a soft marker, and went to fill the syringe.  Oh holy moses, it looked like he was filling a baby bottle, and the needle looked like it could go into my chest and out of my back.  Perhaps my fear was coloring the experience.

In any event, I'm guessing I was white as a sheet, because as he approached with that syringe, he paused, looked me straight in the eye and asked me, "So, did you ever see 'Pulp Fiction?'"

I laughed so hard, I never noticed the needle or the saline go in, exactly as he had planned.  That man is a saint.  If YOU haven't seen "Pulp Fiction," dear readers, a certain character goes into cardiac arrest, and a syringe of adrenaline is.. eventually...plunged into her chest.  It was a dark, yet comedic moment.  ...  You had to be there....

Now I am just waiting on the port, for without it, we can't start chemo and though I know it's not going to be much fun, I really want to get moving on this.  You know, being the realist that I am, I have already made and paid for my final 'arrangements.'  I'm going to be cremated and my ashes will go into the sundial in my back yard, where my mom's are now.  I didn't make these arrangements because of cancer, but rather because of my lung disease.  It seemed, after Mom's passing, just to be the right thing to do to take the burden off of my sisters.

I don't have anything on the agenda for tomorrow... so far.. so I can actually get some work done.  I need to let my manager know more about what's going on, but other than the occasional vacation day off, I don't think I'm GOING to have to do any sick leave, but ... time will tell.  At least my being holed up in my house should mitigate the possibility of infection, except of course from Chihuahua slobber, and I look at that as more medicinal than harmful. :)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Ports 'o Call!

Maybe that appostraphe should have been after the O... oh well.

Tomorrow I'm going to see my favorite surgeon so that he can give me an infusion port to make the delivery of chemo so much easier.  The oncologist set that appointment up this afternoon.  This dude gets things DONE!

We looked at my PET Scan, which was really fascinating.  He showed me the two lymph nodes but doesn't think they are in my lungs.  In any event, the esophageal cancer is inoperable in his opinion.  That sounds scary, but it's not necessarily so.  We still have options, and that's why I'm having the port put in.  We'll be doing two different types of chemo, and it'll take three hours, and we'll do it one day a week.

Oncologist is also looking at radiation, which would have to be done every day.  He hasn't made up his mind on that one, yet.  And me?  I'm just wanting to start it up and get it over.  I'm so tired right now and I know it's just the stress of talking about all this.  Because although you can think you're being pretty stoic about the whole thing, when you have to confront it head on, it does get damned scary.  Hey, but it could be worse; he could have said to go home, and get your affairs in order.  So there you go.

He says if we go the radiation route, it's going to not be very pleasant, as it will inflame my esophagus and I may get to the point at which I would need a feeding tube.  But, really, the chemo will probably make food taste like crap anyway, so, maybe I won't even mind.  I could sleep for a week.

So, port tomorrow, and I should go get my blood tests done; gotta do them before we can do the first chemo.  I've had a port of sorts before... well, it was the tissue expander which was part of the reconstruction of my amputated breast.  That was pretty cool; reconstructive surgeon filled it with saline every week, making it eventually big enough that it could be removed and the final implant... um,.. implanted.  Of course, that didn't take three hours!  I'm going to need a gameboy or something.  Oh, I can just take my Kindle, and go broke buying books out of sheer boredom!

Alright, more tomorrow, as... you might already have this impression... but I'm really tired. :)

Monday, October 4, 2010

Some PETS suck...

My PC just called, despite the fact that it's 8:30PM.  I have no problem with that, although he apologized.  He had the results of my PET scan. 

He started off saying it was good news... well, good and bad.  Most of my body was clear of cancer, but... well, there were these two lymph nodes in my lungs.  The PET results have been sent to my oncologist, so tomorrow, at 1:30PM, we'll find out what he thinks.  PC says it's probable we'll go directly into chemo, with which he thinks I'll do fine. 

Frankly, I'm pretty much in the stage of "OMG!  My body is NOT riddled with CANCER!"  So, really, the good far outweighs the bad.  But I didn't sleep well last night, because of a pain in my back.  It wasn't BACK pain, really, it was more like middle of the right shoulder.  Of course, I figured it was from being RIDDLED with cancer.... I'm such a boob. 

Yes, part of me is really scared again, because of the lesions found in my lungs, especially since PC says pulmo may want to do a bronchoscopy, but hey, if it goes as well as the endoscopy, HAH, that's cake!  Just give me that propofol again, and I'm happy.  I can't believe Michael Jackson used to get shot up with that to get to sleep most nights... carumba!  So how many other places can they find to insert a camera into my body?  Dang, I probably should not have asked that.

Alrighty, then, tomorrow the plan is to play with my numbers (work virtually), then head to the oncologist and see what he has to say.  Oh, and I finally beat Dragon Age:  Origins, as a human noble rogue, and it was a pretty cool ending cinematic.  And December 7th is WoW: Cataclysm, so I'm a pretty happy gamer geek camper these days.  Life is good.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Best Family EVER

Today, I had visits from two nieces and my sister in law.  Family connections are the strongest and the ones from which you receive the greatest healing power.  Family understands your unspoken travails and grants you access to their strength unequivocably.

And what fun we had, remembering the days when we were children, and reminiscing about the foibles of our paternal units; ok mostly MY paternal units.  So many memories were shaped by our childhood that would have had amazingly different slants had these things happened to us as adults. 

Chicken tortilla soup; it's what we supped upon and inspired our musings. It amazed us to recall the hall furnace; that horrifying heat element that laid in wait for you in the middle of the hallway; you HAD to walk on the sides of it or risk being forever imprinted with burns.  Who on earth would design a house like that in this day and age?  My nephew still bears the waffle scar from the day, as a toddler, he fell upon it.  Those puppies made radiators seem like a luxury!

My father, being fifty-two when I was born, was anachronistic; out of time with the reality his children experienced.  And I wasn't the last...next came Jane, and then Wendy, when Daddy was sixty.  Life adapted and moved on, but Daddy didn't and that made things hard for us.  It wasn't until we were adults that we realized just how perfectly wonderful were the gifts our older father had bestowed upon us.

Papa had two rules; you never lied, and you ALWAYS shared.  How powerful those lessons proved to be were only discovered once we became adults and realized that those two rules would ensure utmost happiness.

Of course, the sharing rule could be a tab problematic.  How?  Oh, let's say there was a piece of pie left over from Thanksgiving.  My aunt made amazing pumpkin pies.  But NO ONE would eat that last piece, because it would be selfish... it had to be shared.  So, inevitably, it would be thrown out because none of us would benefit from it unless we could ALL enjoy it.  But the lesson of sharing was one that would last forever; it would inspire community service, inspire charitable giving, inspire compassion and understanding for our fellow man.  My father gave us such an incredible gift.

I'm tired again, and ready for bed, but what a great day it was; sharing it with those I truly love and reconnecting and enforcing the bonds of family... the strongest bonds on earth.

Friday, October 1, 2010

The Doubts are Coming!

Most of today was painful.  I can't take any painkillers except for ...cough... Tylenol, and I'm far too attached to my liver to go there.  The pain makes me recall the conversations my brother and I had during his losing war on colon cancer.  Someone had told him that, when it comes to colon cancer, at least, by the time you actually feel pain, it's too late.

So, today, I've started to have doubts about my chances to fight.  WHICH IS DAMNED SILLY!  It's not like I've got the results of the PET scan in hand telling me to kiss my ass goodbye.  Actually, and quite happily, I managed to get an appointment with my oncologist for Tuesday.  Dr. F is a realist and he won't waste my time on empty promises, so if he says we can fight, then fight we will.

When my brother was in the last few weeks of life, I would call him almost every day, and we would discuss life, the universe and everything.  We both admitted that we had never bought into our Catholic upbringing of hell and damnation, and neither of us professed a belief in the 'popular' concept of one 'old white guy' god.

During one conversation, he asked me if I thought there was something beyond death, and I gave it alot of though and told him that I truly believed that I would see him again, somewhere.  I would see my dad, my aunt and every other person that I had ever loved who had passed on before us.  Of course, I didn't understand why I thought this way, but it was a fundamental belief that I could not naysay.

My brother said, "Well, then, if this is true, I promise you now that I will find a way to let you know the truth."

A few days later, he was gone, and that night, I had one of my unforgettable, very lucid and realistic dreams.  I do not have them often, and when I do, I can tell the difference between one of THESE and the normal dream.  But even in 'normal' dreams, I know I dream, and if I don't like where my dream is going, I wake up.

But this dream... I remember as if I had just woken from it.  I remember the colors, the cobblestones, the linens on the tables, the scents and who was there, and EVERY word spoken.  I was walking down a narrow street in an obviously European town.  Passing an intersection, I was drawn to a cafe, with outdoor tables surrounded by wrought iron railing adorned with trailing vine motifs.  As I approached, my oldest sister appeared and said to me, "Oh good, we thought you'd never get here!" 

She led me into the cafe, and there was my father, my aunt, other aunts and uncles, and I said to my sister, "Oh, I must have died in my sleep!"  There was no fear in the statement; just matter of fact.

"No, you're not dead," she said, "Daddy just wanted a family reunion with the living and the dead."  And I woke up.  It occurred to me that my brother who had just died was not in the cafe, and why my living sister was the spokesperson, I still don't understand.  And I wondered if this was the 'message' that my brother had promised to send, or if this was simply something I wanted so badly, my subconscious GAVE me the message I wanted.

Anyway, I haven't told many people about that dream, because I still question it, but later, when my mom was dying, I had another of THOSE particular dreams, but that'll have to wait for another post.

As for this one, I'm feeling better, for the memory of that dream always makes me smile, and perhaps that is the true message of the dream.

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