Saturday, December 31, 2011

Well, it's Saturday.

It has taken me this long to get back to being myself.  The Queen of Neuroses has been reigning over me telling me that the problems I'm having typing are caused by a brain tumor.  I'm guessing it's more probable that I've had a mini stroke, considering it's just my left hand that can't type well.  Oh, speaking of strokes, I'd better go do my Arixtra shot... I'm late!  Be right back....

Ok, all shot up.  :)

I'm having cottage cheese cravings, now.  Which is good, I guess; plenty of protein.  Yesterday I was at Ironwood having my radiation sims run.  My leg now has 4 radiation entry points, and strangely, there's even one on my right leg.  I got fitted for the leg holding apparatus, and it's quite comfortable.  I wonder how long the actual zappage will be?  I'll have to count during my first one.  I tend to count anyway; it's how I dampen my anxiety during scans and radiations.  Wow, can't believe I have to do this again.  Oh well....

Love and hugs to all!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

No GOOD News

The CT results are in.  Bone cancer in my left thigh and a new tumor on my left adrenal gland.  I'm going to be setting up for radiation on the thigh, probably starting after the new year.

That certainly explains the pain I've been having.  Wow, the results made Dr. F swear.  I have never heard him swear.

The radiation oncologist said if this had happened two years ago, the only thing they did was amputate the leg.  In fact, the radiation is only going to shrink the tumor so that at least I won't have so much pain.  It would be nice to sleep more than an hour at a time.

Dr. F gave me a prescription for some pain relieving patches.  I hope THEY work.

That's it for this post; I'm kind of overwhelmed, and feeling sick.

Love and hugs to all.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Cancer bites.

There is a lot of psychological torture involved when dealing with cancer.  Yes, physically it's hideous, but I think the hardest part for me is dealing with the emotional side of it.  I am barely speaking to anyone this morning because I am so afraid of what today's CT will reveal.  I think I'll go hit the Xanax.

"They" say that the first sign of depression is that you don't want to do things that have always given you pleasure.  I'm mostly just sitting here staring at my computer, but I did go kill the Greench in Hilsbrad with my Tauren Druid, so I would say there's no depression on board here... just anxiety.  Oh yeah, anxiety... I have PLENTY of that.

And just what does anxiety do for you?  Well, physically, it makes me want to vomit.  Or have diarrhea, or all of the above.  Peachy, eh?  And I expect it's the anxiety that's making me really wheezy this morning.  I always take my Xopenex inhaler with me for the CT because I always react to the dratted Iodine.  I take one hit pre CT, and then another hit post CT.

So, this morning I am scared.  I hate being scared.  It's so... cowardly. ;)  Can't help it, though.  So much rides on the results of this CT.  DO I have a future?  I think, even if we don't get good news, there should still be some options.  Why do I get like this?  Normally, I can live in the moment, but not on CT day.... nope.  All my coping mechanisms are broken this morning.  I did just take a Xanax, though.  I'll probably take another when I get to Ironwood.  I do still despise the donut.
 
Don't let them fool you, there is no smiling tech with you when the scanning starts.  TRICKERY!!!!  They run off to another room, with a wall of lead between you and them.  No, you get the disembodied voice telling you to hold your breath.  Not likely, toots.  Don't have that much breath to hold.  I do my best though, not to move.  I breathe really shallowly.  So far it's worked well enough.  Come on Xanax, do your job.

Anywho, the CT is what's on my agenda for today, then tomorrow it's pre-chemo lab work, and then Thursday... may or may not be chemo, depending on the results of the CT... I do NOT want another phone call today with the words:  "I have good news and I have bad news, which do you want first?"

Keep warm, love and hugs to all. :)

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Happy Christmas From the Tauren Druid


Happy Christmas from Magnolia the druid, and her festive mount.  Please note the gaudy Holiday Sweater she got from Greatfather Winter.  Tsk, tsk.

Oh, and that rib eye roast?


SPECTACULAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to all. :)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Another CT Coming UP

It's not until Tuesday the 27th, but already I am dreading it.  Not the SCAN, for that's easy as pie.  No, it's the waiting for the results.  I try hard to live for today, but the spectre of the scan and its results can't be so easily dismissed.

The last scan, on the 23rd of September found the Pulmonary Embolism, for which I am massively grateful, for if it had not, I would probably not have survived through the weekend.  And so, though a PE is a horrible thing, it was the CT that saved me, and thus, it shouldn't be such a thing of dread.  It really is a GOOD thing, and I must remember to be optimistic and BELIEVE that it's going to give us some fantastic results.

Plus, I will finally, I hope, know why the hell my leg is causing me so much pain.  And if we know, then we can fix it!  So it has been said, so it shall be written. :)  I loved "The Ten Commandments."

Can we be done with Winter, now?  I'm tired of being cold.  Gads, I am SUCH a wimp. :D

Tomorrow for Christmas, we're having a roast of rib eye, which we are going to VERY, VERY carefully cook, since it was freaking expensive.  The last thing you want to do with this baby would be to over cook it.  Too bad I can't rent Bobby Flay or someone of his ilk.

I got a booklet in the mail from Genentech, who makes the Xeloda.  I liked the part that said something to the effect, "You've been on this drug for some time, now."  Oh yeah, baby, you can say that again.  Genentech sent me a whole bunch of stuff with my initial prescription; a pill dispenser, so you could pop your 4 AM and your 4 PM poison pills in this thing and not forget to take 'em.  As if.  But I use it.   There was also a really good booklet about what to expect from the side effects, and how to deal with them.  It really was a good little package of helpful, relevant... stuff. ;)

Anywho, since the scan will be on Tuesday, we are going to move our Camptosar infusions to every other THURSDAY starting next week.  I think that will be best in the long run, because then I'll have the weekend to rest up.  I managed to get somewhere in the range of 38.2 hours of work in this past week, and that's only because those damned painkillers made me so sick.

Well, to all of you Christians out there, let me wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS, and to everyone, Peace, Good-will, and may you get everything you deserve from life.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Remission -- No, NOT Me.


Wikipedia says that remission is defined as: “the state of absence of disease activity in patients with a chronic illness, with the possibility of return of disease activity.”

The Queen of Neuroses would have a field day if my doctor said I was in remission. That dread of waiting for the other shoe to fall, oh yes, the Queen would be in her element.

But I do know people in remission that have been that way for several, blessedly normal years. On the other hand some people who have gone into remission have seen a return of their cancer, but in a more pernicious form. And they soon die. One such was Andy Whitfield. Suffering from Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, he completed his regimen of treatments, and was pronounced in remission. He was to return to work on “Spartacus: Blood and Sand.”

His remission lasted mere months, and when his cancer returned, it was more aggressive and more lethal. An oncologist, not related to his case, said that there are times when you can have a PET scan (the current gold standard for finding pesky cancer cells) and it finds nothing. Yet a single cell can remain, and that cell has the chance to adapt; it’s already survived what was thrown at it from chemo and/or radiation.

And when the time is right, it divides and conquers; stronger, more aggressive than ever, and driven to survive. So, Andy Whitfield died of his cancer, just 39 years old, in simply beautiful physical condition, and apparently good health. But that one cell had gotten away, and it did its job. (And remember, that’s just the theory of an oncologist non-related to Andy Whitfield’s actual case.)

On the one hand, I would love to hear the words that I am in remission, yet on the other, it’s somehow heartening to continue my treatments, knowing that I’m doing something active to defeat these little bastard cells. Because really, I would hate to give the Queen of Neuroses any ammunition whatsoever.

Oh, and Christopher Hitchens, rest in eternal peace.  You touched so many, in ways you can't even imagine.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Oh the Leg

Thursday, the leg pain became unbearable again, so I took the Zofran, and after an hour, took half a percocet.  I was in bed, and wasn't feeling much relief from that half, so about an hour later I took the second half.  I went to sleep.

Got up this morning and felt so nauseated I took another Zofran.  But the pain in my leg was still hideous, so after an hour, I took a Vicodin.  Why is it that these darned narcotics are only useful for making me sick?

How in the heck, WHY in the heck does anyone take this crap for recreational use?  How can they do it?  Maybe I'm the only one that gets sick from these things?  I only worked an hour this morning before the nausea and pain put an end to that.  Bummer.

But on a very happy note, Wendy and Dean are flying in even as I type, and I'm so excited!  Now, I had better go find something to eat since I have four Xeloda pills to get down... oh joy. :)

Happy almost Winter to all!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Chemo Day

There are lots of repeat customers here today.  One of them is the very loquatious gentleman from two weeks ago.  Jane and I thought his loquatiousness was due to his massive anxiety about his treatment.  Chatting about ANYTHING kept his mind occupied.

Today, our regular area was usurped by snowbirds, so he ended up alone, with noone around him with which to chat.  The occupants on either side of him were fast asleep.  He began to panic; hyperventilating and requiring several of the docs to come and make sure he wasn't experiencing a reaction to his treatment.

He has calmed down, and I think he'll be fine, but he is definitely the kind of person that NEEDS interaction to stave off his fears.  And he is a prime example to teach us the importance of acknowledging our fears, and in the process, taking the power away from those fears.

In fact, he is asleep, and I wonder if one of those doctors popped a sedative in amongst all his meds.

Speaking of meds, Dr. Ramaswamy has scripted me with Percocet and Zofran.  We haven't gotten them filled yet, but we will today.  Dr. Fastenberg wants my next CT scheduled for 27 December.  It will be the normal chest and abdomen, and this time, my left thigh as well.  He wants to rule out ...bone cancer.  I hope he does! ;)

Ok, my main course, Camptosar, is about half way through.  I'm going to end this post.

Hugs to all.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Hands

Hands are the most incredible tools.  But we don't think much about them until something suddenly makes them less useful as tools.  We take our hands for granted.

Well, not me; not anymore at least.  My hands can't do so many things that used to be simply unthinking reflex actions.  Twist the cap off a tube of hand cream?  Piece of cake, unless that cap has any kind of ridges, and then, it's a complete no-go.  Open the margarine tub?  Oh no... sorry, hurts too much.

For breakfast, Jane made french toast.  I could not open the maple syrup bottle because the cap had ridges.  Sure, those ridges are great for traction, but not for people with Hand-Foot syndrome.  I know that if it gets really bad, we'll have to stop the Xeloda, and that's the last thing I want.  It's going to have to get really freaking bad before I complain to my oncologist.

The foot part is just starting to be a problem, and that's mostly noticeable when I shower.  I don't wear nice comfy padded shoes when I shower.  So, it's hard surface against bare feet and I really felt it today.  So far, my feet had been a non-issue, but yeah, I have to be careful with them, now, too.  Of course, if you think about it, there's no reason you couldn't wear, say... Croc's ... in the shower.  Hmmm, something to think about. :)

So, tomorrow I go for my labs at 7AM, then do some work, then go out to see Dr. Ramaswamy at 12:30PM.  I'm supposed to go in to the plant for some Sexual Harassment training, or something.  That's at 2:00PM.  Not sure I will have any energy left for that, though.  But it's mandatory.  I'll do my best.

The temperatures here are not as chilly as they were the past week or so.  Tonight's low is only predicted to be 48, and that's MUCH better than those low 30's.  And it looks like we have some rain in our forecast, which would be lovely.  We get it so infrequently, that we always get excited when it rains around here.  Our desert is very thirsty.

Be well, and safe.  Keep warm, and happy.  Blessings to all.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

I'm So Happy!

I know I've said it before, but I enjoy working.  Everyone says I'm nuts.  But, what the heck, I'd surely rather be happy to work than be dreading every weekday.  The thing is, I like challenges, and those are everywhere when you're starting a new job with new responsibilities.

To be honest, I did feel a bit overwhelmed that first week, but I'm settling in to the job and it feels great.  And I have such a wonderful work group, and my management is so full of support; yeah, I'm one happy girl.

Monday I have pre-chemo labs to do, and Tuesday is infusion day and then back on those damned Xeloda pills.  I need to buy stock in a hand lotion company.

But most excitingly, next week my sister Wendy and her SO, Dean will be coming in from Ohio for a visit.  That's Nurse Wendy of past blog posts.  I'm so excited to see them both.  And the following week it's Winter Solstice, so holy moses, it's going to be one fantastic December.

Speaking of Wendy and Dean, they got me a new game called Elder Scrolls V:  Skyrim.  Oh boy, am I having a blast with this game.  It's not on one-line mulitplayer as is my usual haunt, but this one is single player in a HUGE world in which you can just explore to your heart's content.  And it's beautiful.

And Skyrim is why I haven't posted since Monday; too busy playing.  I play more than when I was a kid; we didn't actually play much.  Mostly we did homework and read.  But we all got great grades, so that was the trade-off.  Anywho, I must be making up for lost time. :)

Now you all keep warm, and have a great weekend if I don't post before then.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Cold... COLD!

I am SUCH a wimp when it comes to cold.  And tonight's low should be around 32.  My sisters went through the farmland wrapping up the produce.  I would hate to see my artichokes freeze to death before I could even eat one. :)  And I really, really want that red cabbage to survive!

Tomorrow I have a meeting and I want to be there in person, so I am going to head in to the plant, and then have lunch with my friend Annette at the cafeteria.  You know, I couldn't do this without my trusty scooter.  Mine is an older version than the one pictured, but you get the idea.  The battery weighs more than any other part of the vehicle.  Thank goodness I have that lift on the back of the Equinox.. oh and thank you, too, General Motors!

Today was wonderful, despite the cold.  I got quite a bit accomplished at work, and it's SO good to be stretching those little grey cells, as Poirot would call them.  It just felt so GOOD to interact with people in a way that not only challenges my brain, but delights my gregarious nature.

On the Cancer front, tomorrow morning is this round's last bunch of Xeloda, but not the last bunch forever.  My hands are happy, though, that they get a break for a week.  I'm going broke on hand lotion. :D

I almost forgot my Arixtra shot again, so I put a reminder on my calendar at work.  Shoot up at 1PM. :)  That might raise a few eyebrows.  Hehehe.

Does the weather have anything to do with the pain in my leg?  Yes, I had it in the summer, but I wonder if the cold weather exacerbates it.  I go to bed with a heating pad on it, but tonight I just might have to hit the Vicodin.  I can do it, if I sleep after I take it.  And just one doesn't seem to make me barf, but any more than that and it's good-bye to my stomach contents.

Yes, I am so happy to be working again.  I have this silly smile plastered to my face, even when it hurts to get up from a sit, I'm still happy.  I may grimace, but the smile comes right back.

Take care, everyone... keep warm, and be safe!

Friday, December 2, 2011

All is Finally Right

Today, I worked.  Got all my accesses cleared, my badge works, and my wifi was perfect, and so, I am once again a productive part of the American workforce.  YAY! :)  I think, because my new job will require some education on my part, I will probably have to ask for a printer.  Lots of new systems and processes to come up to speed on, and I learn better when I read and have things right in front of me.  Sometimes, I can be SO old-school.

Yesterday was a huge challenge.  I was on-site for about six hours and by the time I got home, I was so exhausted I ached everywhere and couldn't get warm to save my life.  This morning, my leg was excruciatingly painful, and I had a headache.  And I still had to go into the plant to get my laptop from the service center.  But, I went in early, it was ready and rarin' to go, so I probably only spent a couple of hours on-site.  Still, by the time I got home, I was in so much pain I was in tears.  So, I broke down and took a Naprosyn, and thought to myself, if I get stomach bleeding from this, so be it, at least I won't hurt that much.  I did consider taking a Vicodin, I was in that much pain, but ... oh blech... I couldn't stand the thought of having to vomit with such a headache.

So, despite this being the week from hell, I anticipate nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.  If this afternoon was any indication, we're in good shape, and I can get cracking on learning all the new things on which I need to become an expert.  Thank the deities I learn quickly.

Well, crap, I just realized that I didn't take my Xeloda with my dinner so,... I had best go get them and get them down my gullet ASAP.

Hugs to all!

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