Cancer bites.

There is a lot of psychological torture involved when dealing with cancer.  Yes, physically it's hideous, but I think the hardest part for me is dealing with the emotional side of it.  I am barely speaking to anyone this morning because I am so afraid of what today's CT will reveal.  I think I'll go hit the Xanax.

"They" say that the first sign of depression is that you don't want to do things that have always given you pleasure.  I'm mostly just sitting here staring at my computer, but I did go kill the Greench in Hilsbrad with my Tauren Druid, so I would say there's no depression on board here... just anxiety.  Oh yeah, anxiety... I have PLENTY of that.

And just what does anxiety do for you?  Well, physically, it makes me want to vomit.  Or have diarrhea, or all of the above.  Peachy, eh?  And I expect it's the anxiety that's making me really wheezy this morning.  I always take my Xopenex inhaler with me for the CT because I always react to the dratted Iodine.  I take one hit pre CT, and then another hit post CT.

So, this morning I am scared.  I hate being scared.  It's so... cowardly. ;)  Can't help it, though.  So much rides on the results of this CT.  DO I have a future?  I think, even if we don't get good news, there should still be some options.  Why do I get like this?  Normally, I can live in the moment, but not on CT day.... nope.  All my coping mechanisms are broken this morning.  I did just take a Xanax, though.  I'll probably take another when I get to Ironwood.  I do still despise the donut.

 

Don't let them fool you, there is no smiling tech with you when the scanning starts.  TRICKERY!!!!  They run off to another room, with a wall of lead between you and them.  No, you get the disembodied voice telling you to hold your breath.  Not likely, toots.  Don't have that much breath to hold.  I do my best though, not to move.  I breathe really shallowly.  So far it's worked well enough.  Come on Xanax, do your job.

Anywho, the CT is what's on my agenda for today, then tomorrow it's pre-chemo lab work, and then Thursday... may or may not be chemo, depending on the results of the CT... I do NOT want another phone call today with the words:  "I have good news and I have bad news, which do you want first?"

Keep warm, love and hugs to all. :)

Chemo Week begins Anew

I went to see my oncologist, Dr. Fastenberg, today.  I so appreciate all the time he takes with me, answering my questions, and analyzing test results with me.  He's worried about blood clots, since of course, I had the pulmonary embolism.  I may not be so lucky next time.  He's decided to ditch the coumadin in favor of an inject-able  but first he has to get it approved by my health insurance.

If we can go that route, I won't have to get blood draws twice a week and subject my neutropenic self to hanging about with sick people.  Dr. F says my lung disease is a very limiting factor in my ability to fight cancer of any kind. He was also quite appalled by my battered right arm, which makes me look like a junkie.  And of course, he was dismayed that I'd had another exacerbation.  Well, it is Fall and Winter, if I have to be a regular patron of the blood lab, will be quite a challenge.  So anyway, let's hope he can get that inject-able anticoagulant approved.  My money is on him... :)  Oooh, quite literally. :P

Then I told him I would like to go back to work, and he said I was nuts.  However, he said, I could telecommute.  It's hard to explain, but I love my job; I love analysis and people and numbers... I never knew I wanted to do this, but when they put me there, I was so happy.  It was my niche; I was good at it, and it's fun and challenging and makes my brain feel good. :)

I've already spoken to my manager, and he's good with it all, and so I got my "Return to Work/Functional Capacities Form" all filled out by Dr. F, with a return to work of 28 November.  YAY!  This will be a very THANKFUL Thanksgiving, for sure.

I have to go back next Tuesday and get my Aranesp shot.  Oh, and I got lots of mail from my insurance company; they have approved the shots and are covering them.  I love my oncologist and every single person at Ironwood Cancer and Research Center.

Of course, I had my Camptosar infusion today, so I'm feeling a bit blecchy right now.  Must drink lots of fluids and get this stuff to run its course.

Love to all, and hugs as well.

All is Not Lost

I called the finance people over at Ironwood Cancer and Research Center this morning, and after doing some research on their end, they told me that it isn't the Chemo that my insurance company is denying coverage upon, it's the Aranesp shot that helps me keep my white cells where they need to be.  And wow, I had no idea each shot was $4040!

There was nothing on the insurance paperwork that specified what they were denying, and I was so freaked out yesterday.  Sally at Ironwood told me NOT to worry; they had faxed over the required information at least three times, and by gods they'd do it three more times, if they had to.

So, I'm in a much better place today and hopefully I can get some sleep tonight.  I did manage an hour and a half this morning, and it's amazing what that little bit of sleep can do for your spirit.

The nausea was pretty bad today, though.  I'm thinking the stress of the insurance company fiasco (and note, I never say which insurance company I have, as I don't want them suing me for telling the truth about them.)  So I did take a compazine and I think it's about time for another.  But the pain in my thigh is totally gone now, and I can walk pretty well again.  Still, I'm taking the scooter to my lab tests tomorrow, just because I'm feeling so puny from the chemo.

Thank heavens for all the folks at Ironwood.  They are such professionals and always have great attitudes.  You can't help but be impressed.  There's nothing worse than a good doctor with crappy staff, but at Ironwood, you have the best of BOTH worlds. :)

Peace out. :D

Hair... Kinda

 Looking a tad woozy, aren't I?  Yes, I'm well into my infusions in this picture.  But LOOK!  I spy peach fuzz hair growth.  The only problem is there are still some bald spots, so I am thinking of having my sister take the dog clippers to me to kind of even things out again.


I have the feeling that the two main bald spots will never grow hair again.  No worries, I'm thinking I'll keep my hair very, very short from now on.

To the right there is my bag of Camptosar.  My oncology nurse today was Anne, and she's been there since the beginning, back a year ago.  She's pretty concerned about how I'm doing since this is the most difficult regimen I have had.  I told her it was getting a bit more trying with each round, but this was round five, and I have very few of the major worrisome side effects.  One more to go...one more to go!


My asthma was a bit problematic this morning, due to the high humidity from all the recent storm activity.  People kept commenting on my breathing; the nurses and even a couple of other chemo patients.  Oy!


Well, I'm still a bit blecchy, so I'm off to have a little rest.  But I did eat a nice salad for lunch.  Isn't it nice to have cravings, for a change, that are GOOD for you? :D

Love to all, keep safe, be well and drink lots of water. :)

The BIG Dust Storm

I've lived here in Arizona since June 3rd of 1985, and we see dust storms several times a year.  But yesterday's... oh holy moses, that was something else!  That link shows several videos and photos.  I just was awestruck.  We weathered it well with no damage, but folks across the street from us had gates ripped out, and fence slats torn right away.


The dust lingered for SO long, and when we first saw it, it actually looked like fog was rolling in, and though we HAVE gotten fog, and that's weird enough on its own, this was obviously not fog.  


Our poor cars; they looked like they had been through a volcanic eruption.  Even mine, which gets to have the garage to itself, was still covered in dust.


So, nothing major on the agenda for tomorrow; just work, and then Friday morning it's off to Ironwood Cancer and Research Center to have my CT with contrast and of course to drink my yummy frosty barium shake before hand. :D  Actually, it's much more palatable these days, it's almost drinkable. 


We've got more thunderstorms forecast for tonight, so I'll turn off all my 'puters early and go to bed and read.  "A Dance With Dragons" should be delivered next week, not in time for chemo, darn it, but I'm just happy I'll have it!  I hope to gods someone lives through this book. :D


Peaceful dreams, all.  

Pac Man to the Rescue!

You know, it’s hard not to become obsessive about your health when every day you have things to monitor, numbers to process, and countless tests to get done.  Really, I do not want to have to dwell on cancer, lung disease and diabetes but in order to keep things under control, you HAVE to monitor the numbers and take drugs and treatments accordingly.

So, today I headed to Ironwood Cancer and Research Center in Mesa for my PET scan.  This was try number three, and let me tell you, every morsel that went into my mouth for a WEEK was eaten with this scan in mind.  After two tries and two misses, I wasn’t going to miss THIS ONE.  As soon as I got out of the shower this morning, I checked my glucose.  My pink Ultra Mini, which of the two of my glucometers tends to read higher, said that I was at 112.  WoooHOOOO!

I felt much more confident on the drive out to Ironwood.  There was NO WAY they were going to tell me my glucose was too high THIS TIME!  Of course, just in case, I took both of MY glucometers with me. J  Nothing like a little insurance, I say.

I had the same tech this time, and he was a peach.  He was thrilled when his meter showed 144.  Yeah, see, the meters over there really run high.  But I didn’t care, as long as it was well under 200.  He got my IV going; apparently you can’t put the radioactive glucose through your port, darnit.  But he did a FINE job with that IV, and then got me a heated blanket, and I just kinda dozed there for a hour while the radiation had fun searching for evil things within my body.

And suddenly, I started visualizing the irradiated glucose as Pac Man and the Ghosts, chasing all over my body’s grid, and were they ever getting annoyed, as they could find NOTHING!  After my hour of sitting quietly with only Pac Man and his pals as my entertainment, it was time to head into the giant donut of despair. (It’s not that horrible, I just like alliteration.)

If the last PET Scanner was quiet, this one was a complete mute.  One thing I will say about the equipment at Ironwood:  It’s top-notch, as are the people.  Still, you have to lie on that unrelenting slab of what looks like black glass, with only a lift under your knees.  This is supposed to be beneficial to your lumbar area, and it certainly helps, but WOW, when it was time to get OFF the table, I could barely move.  The scan itself took about twenty minutes and thanks to my Xanax, I was fine, mostly.  I really, really hate being in tubes, even if they are mostly donuts.  This donut was THICK!  Hence, quite a length of ME was within the donut hole.

Happily, while being scanned, I reconnected with Pac Man and the boys and they continued their fruitless frolic about my body.  Now, let’s hope this visualization stuff does some good.  I had fun with it, actually.  I’m looking forward to the next Herceptin treatment, where I may just exchange my Apache Attack Helicopters for Pac Man. :)

Love to all, be safe, enjoy life!

Greetings from Ironwood!

Jane and I have arrived at Ironwood Cancer and Research Center, and we are waiting for my oncology nurse to come by and begin the Benadryl before we hit the Herceptin.  It seems pretty quiet in here today.  But there is a group over here in the corner... one guy getting the chemo and an entourage of twenty-somethings providing encouragement. :)

It's an absolutely beautiful day today.  There is a cool breeze, and the car said it was 69 outside.  Lots of sunshine, although, there are supposed to be clouds coming in again.  We looked, but we don't see any.

So, I got in five and a half hours of work before we had to leave to come here, so I need to do two and a half more when I get home.  I'm so lucky that I can be flexible like this.

Wendy is doing clinicals at nursing school, now, and Kent's school of nursing has their own uniforms that the students must wear.  The problem is that Wendy's so tiny, it was hard for her to get uniform items that fit.  But supposedly, she now has pants that do fit.  So, Deano, I need a picture!  You give me a nice picture of Nurse Wendy in her fitting uniform, and I'll post it here on the blog.  Deal?

Still haven't seen a nurse yet.  But I'm sure one is on the way.  The meds have to come from the pharmacy, and the Herceptin has to be mixed, so that takes some time.  I'll post more later, but that's it for this post.

Love to all!

Have I mentioned...

...how incredibly happy I am to be back at work?  :)

Currently, though, I am in the 'infusion ward' at Ironwoon Cancer and Research Center, starting off with my Benadryl cocktail before I get the main course, Herceptin.

Still not feeling great, but better than yesterday.  Once I get home and the Benadryl has left the building, I'll have an hour of work time to make up.  Not bad.  I got up early and got lots done.

Oh, and if I thought my out of pocket was bad the last time I was here... HAH, it was nothing compared to what I had to pay today.  I believe it involves something nasty called "Out of Pocket."  I don't know about you, but I'd be really happy to have that kind of cash to carry around in my pocket.  Last year it didn't exist.  This makes 2011 a bad year to have cancer, except(!) I'll be maxing out my OoP at the next treatment.

Still, darned better than no insurance at all.  At least I can GET treatment.

Alrighty, I'm past the Benadryl and on to the bag o' Herceptin.  Joy. :)

I'll sign off this post with this wish:
May your days be warm
May your nights be cool
May your year be happy and
May your heart be kind.

Back to Ironwood Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my Herceptin treatment over at Ironwood Cancer and Research Center.  I look forward to seeing the ladies at the front desk, and the oncology nurses.  I've missed them!  That place had become my second home for months.

I've not been feeling very well since the weekend.  In the mornings, I'm having some peripheral neuropathy in my fingers.  I'm checking my glucose and I don't think it's high enough for that.  And I noticed today that  it was much worse in the cold, and once I got into my office, it essentially was gone.  So I definitely have to tell them about that tomorrow. 

I kept dreaming about my nephew last night; just normal dreams, thank the gods.  He wasn't IN them, but they were all about him.  Hard to explain, I know, but it was more about how he affected people.  Or conversations about him, but he never appeared.  This is probably due to the fact that I haven't seen him since my brother's funeral in 2004.

Oh gosh, going back and forth to work has gotten a LOT easier, now that I don't have to lug that laptop around.  Boeing is always so good to me, in the person of my manager, Randy.  He truly does believe in accommodation.  Thank you, boss-person!  :)

As for tomorrow, I'll be telecommuting until it's time to leave for the Cancer Center, and then I'll continue when I get back.  I could TAKE my laptop and theoretically work from there, but I'm thinking it might be dangerous to play with numbers under the influence of that initial bag of Benadryl. :D I should be fine by the time I get home, though, so no worries.

Yesterday my sister and I made a really awesome risotto for dinner.  It was arborio rice and an equal portion of barley. Good carbs! :-0  Talk about a comfort food!  We don't even have childhood memories of it, since it wasn't in my mom's repertoire, but it's still comfort food in that it's warm and creamy and toothsome and delicious!  And it involved Irish Whiskey and Parmesan... 'nuff said.

I'll be taking my netbook with me tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll have more to say then, but for now, my love to all; keep warm and safe and eat some chocolate!

Infusing

And here we are at Ironwood, getting my Benadryl and getting woozy.  Here is my traditional chemo picture: 

LOOK! I think I detect CURL!  I should call Blanca and make an appointment for a trim.  I know it looks short enough, but it's growing in weirdly, and can use a little shaping up. :)

Oh, lordy, I had to pay my entire deductible when I got here today.  How had I forgotten it was a new year!?

Talking to Darita again, whose husband also works at Boeing.  We're so thankful for health insurance, despite the increase of the cost for us.

Well, the Benadryl is really hitting me today, so I'll close this post with a wish for great happiness to everyone that reads this blog.

Chemo 3, Radiation 11

About to go have some breakfast before the marathon chemo session.  I'm taking my Glucerna bars with me in hopes of getting some actual nutrition today.  I can't believe today will be my 11th radiation.  Wow.

Happy veterans' Day to all our brave souls who serve or have served our wonderful country.  I have two veterans in my household, and sometimes I think those that have worked in service of a .... service... should be included. ;)

Ok, more later from Ironwood.

Un Petit Rant (how to ruin several languages at once)

Today, after work, I headed out to my second home, Ironwood Cancer and Research Center, to get my CT with contrast and get measured and fitted for my possible radiation treatments.

Again, never having had the contrast (and it's iodine, if not iodine-based), I was a bit nervous, and also because today would be the first use of the infusion port.  I LOVE MY PORT!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, now that we have that part over, may I just have a short rant on CT's in general?  Yes, they are relatively quick and easy, yes, they are an important part of knowing what's going on deep inside your body, but CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SOME FREAKING LUMBAR SUPPORT???

Wow, I'm thinking the iodine has made me into some raving malcontent.  But seriously, if they expect you to lie on your back for 20-30 minutes on a very hard board, and kids, it IS 2010, can't they figure out a way to do it so that you don't have to bite your lip because of the back pain?

I had to stop and get some albuterol half way through, too, as I don't breathe well flat on my back.  But that worked out fine, and I guess I'll be taking my puffer with me if we do the radiation treatments.  A pre-radiation dose is probably going to help get me through. :)

The Bard Power Port is what I have, and yes, apparently infusionistas prefer it hands-down.  I wish I could describe the needle contraption that they use with it.  It is so amazing to have an IV and not have all the anxiety of having to find a vein and hope for the best.  Yep, this thing is awesome!  Best part of all is that it gets flushed with saline and doesn't need Heparin!  WOOHOO!

I really do think that iodine is making me giddy, or maybe it's lack of food.  Jane just called me to dinner, so let's go try to eat!

Have a fabulous evening, everyone!