"They" say that the first sign of depression is that you don't want to do things that have always given you pleasure. I'm mostly just sitting here staring at my computer, but I did go kill the Greench in Hilsbrad with my Tauren Druid, so I would say there's no depression on board here... just anxiety. Oh yeah, anxiety... I have PLENTY of that.
And just what does anxiety do for you? Well, physically, it makes me want to vomit. Or have diarrhea, or all of the above. Peachy, eh? And I expect it's the anxiety that's making me really wheezy this morning. I always take my Xopenex inhaler with me for the CT because I always react to the dratted Iodine. I take one hit pre CT, and then another hit post CT.
So, this morning I am scared. I hate being scared. It's so... cowardly. ;) Can't help it, though. So much rides on the results of this CT. DO I have a future? I think, even if we don't get good news, there should still be some options. Why do I get like this? Normally, I can live in the moment, but not on CT day.... nope. All my coping mechanisms are broken this morning. I did just take a Xanax, though. I'll probably take another when I get to Ironwood. I do still despise the donut.
Don't let them fool you, there is no smiling tech with you when the scanning starts. TRICKERY!!!! They run off to another room, with a wall of lead between you and them. No, you get the disembodied voice telling you to hold your breath. Not likely, toots. Don't have that much breath to hold. I do my best though, not to move. I breathe really shallowly. So far it's worked well enough. Come on Xanax, do your job.
Anywho, the CT is what's on my agenda for today, then tomorrow it's pre-chemo lab work, and then Thursday... may or may not be chemo, depending on the results of the CT... I do NOT want another phone call today with the words: "I have good news and I have bad news, which do you want first?"
Keep warm, love and hugs to all. :)