Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Cancer bites.

There is a lot of psychological torture involved when dealing with cancer.  Yes, physically it's hideous, but I think the hardest part for me is dealing with the emotional side of it.  I am barely speaking to anyone this morning because I am so afraid of what today's CT will reveal.  I think I'll go hit the Xanax.

"They" say that the first sign of depression is that you don't want to do things that have always given you pleasure.  I'm mostly just sitting here staring at my computer, but I did go kill the Greench in Hilsbrad with my Tauren Druid, so I would say there's no depression on board here... just anxiety.  Oh yeah, anxiety... I have PLENTY of that.

And just what does anxiety do for you?  Well, physically, it makes me want to vomit.  Or have diarrhea, or all of the above.  Peachy, eh?  And I expect it's the anxiety that's making me really wheezy this morning.  I always take my Xopenex inhaler with me for the CT because I always react to the dratted Iodine.  I take one hit pre CT, and then another hit post CT.

So, this morning I am scared.  I hate being scared.  It's so... cowardly. ;)  Can't help it, though.  So much rides on the results of this CT.  DO I have a future?  I think, even if we don't get good news, there should still be some options.  Why do I get like this?  Normally, I can live in the moment, but not on CT day.... nope.  All my coping mechanisms are broken this morning.  I did just take a Xanax, though.  I'll probably take another when I get to Ironwood.  I do still despise the donut.
 
Don't let them fool you, there is no smiling tech with you when the scanning starts.  TRICKERY!!!!  They run off to another room, with a wall of lead between you and them.  No, you get the disembodied voice telling you to hold your breath.  Not likely, toots.  Don't have that much breath to hold.  I do my best though, not to move.  I breathe really shallowly.  So far it's worked well enough.  Come on Xanax, do your job.

Anywho, the CT is what's on my agenda for today, then tomorrow it's pre-chemo lab work, and then Thursday... may or may not be chemo, depending on the results of the CT... I do NOT want another phone call today with the words:  "I have good news and I have bad news, which do you want first?"

Keep warm, love and hugs to all. :)

2 comments:

  1. Thinking of you today sweetie and fingers crossed here in PA for good news. I know it is not easy waiting for the results and willing them to be good. I am not gonna say be strong or any other inane thing. I know you are scared and you have every right to be. I am sure your family is just as worried/depressed/scared as you are so not talking is perfectly ok.
    I look forward to only good news when it comes.
    Be safe and take it easy
    fay in the family room

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi, Fay, no call, so I think that's a good thing. I'll see the oncologist tomorrow. I just hope they can figure out the leg thing. I can hardly walk,now.

    Just so tired of the cold. :)

    But I get to wear all my cool hats, so that's a good thing!

    Hugs to you, Fay, dear.

    ReplyDelete

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