Monday, December 13, 2010

Who Stole my Stamina?

If my druid can get apparel with pluses to Stamina, like THIS, then why can't we humans create a nice T-shirt or something that we just put on to make us stronger for a few hours when we need it?  Or even for 30 minutes... a 'buff' if you will.

Oh well, the reason I ask that rhetorical question above is that I just tried to use my NuStep and only managed 10 minutes.  Then, I began thinking seriously about a nap.  But no, I have resisted the nap which was a good thing because the Postal Person came by to tell me my 89 year old neighbor was trapped in her back yard.  She locked her back door on herself.  I hate that she lives alone.  When she was here for Thanksgiving, I could tell that she was having memory problems.  She told me the same things several times. 

This is the exact reason I would never have let my mother live by herself.  She would have exploded the house, or something.  In fact, if Jane and Nancy hadn't come to live with me at the time they did, I would have had to put my mom in Adult Daycare.  Thank the deities we didn't have to subject her to such a thing.  That's not to say that I have any real knowledge of any functioning adult daycare.  I would hope that they are all well-run, safe places staffed by paragons of virtue with only the best interests of their customers at heart.  It's just that no matter what, your home is YOUR HOME; somewhere you WANT to be, if you are lucky enough.

And this is something I need to talk to my sisters about.  I want to know if it will upset them if I opt to die at home.  I'd like Jane to have this master bedroom so that she can have some room for a change; but will it creep her out to think I died here?  I would think not, but I can't be in someone else's head.  I didn't know how I would react to being with my mom as she died, but it was comforting, to both of us, I think.

Well, I guess we'll be discussing it soon enough, as I know Jane does read this blog. :)  I love you so much, you know, Jane.

But, truly, some discussions are emotionally fraught, and despite my own stoicism about death, I am feeling a bit tight in the throat not at the thought of dying, but at the thought of my sisters without me.  Oh, that does sound a bit self-important, but that's not quite what I mean... oh to be at a loss for words. :P

On a happier note, I have my echocardiogram scheduled for the 21st.  They wanted to do it on Thursday, but I had to decline as it was right during chemo time.  Wouldn't want to miss THAT! :D

And meanwhile, my glucose was whacked out this AM, so I am going to be watching my diet like a hawk.  I'd guess that my current lack of exercise, coupled with trying to maintain a certain weight and thus not really eating right has something to do with that, and so I am trying to get back to normalcy...but I'm not there yet, not by a long road.

Now, I need to go drink some water. 

Love to all!

3 comments:

  1. Sweetie, I do not think your sister would be creeped out at all. You would not hurt her in life, so you will not hurt her in death. Having said that, I was staying at my sisters home after she died. I had spent 8 days with her in hospital 24/7. For the life of me though I could not go back into the bedroom where I had slept occasionally, it was her room. I slept on the couch in the living room. Dumb eh, I know she would have laughed at me.
    I cannot even begin to imagine what is going on inside your head. Did you get to do all the things on your bucket list? That is the thing that bothers me, the feeling of "oh geeze,I did not go there or do that", that feeling of panic that it was now too late.
    I know it comes to us all eventually, but it is a hard thing to talk about, so final knowing that the ones you leave behind will go on without you, but missing you every single day for the rest of their lives. Love is a funny old thing like that.
    Thinking of you and saying words for you
    Peace to you today
    Fay

    ReplyDelete
  2. That first sentence is right on, Fay. Thank you for pointing that out. :)

    Oh yes, I'm good on the bucket list. I did many wonderful things in my younger years that please me no end. And yes, it's hard to TALK about, but I'm much more comfortable writing about it. I don't have to see other peoples' reactions to what I write, as opposed to sitting across a table from them, and seeing their expression as we talk.

    I'm so happy we have gotten to be friends. I wish we had done it sooner. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Me too sweetie, me too.

    ReplyDelete

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