Saturday, March 19, 2011

Breathing is SO GOOD!

Despite still having a cough, my breathing has improved tremendously!  Oh yes, I know it's due to the steroids, and I do appreciate them.  


Frankly, a lot of my feeling good is that I have stopped being obsessed about getting that PET scan done NOW!  When I was a child, probably it was the fourth or fifth grade, Mom had a meeting with my teacher, I think it was Sister Sharon.  (12 years of Catholic School, lots of nuns!)


Sister Sharon told my mom that if she had one complaint about my behavior it was that I was 'overly conscientious.'  What does that even mean?  I thought it meant that I had an overactive sense of feeling guilty for everything!  If the class got punished for something, I was sure I must have had something to do with it.  I felt guilty for everything wrong everywhere.


But I got over that, as you do, in the process of growing up.  Yet, there still lingers this maybe overblown sense of responsibility.  The onc says I need to get a PET scan ASAP, and I try to do it, but my body chemistry is all askew, and I cannot.  Now, I have to do EVERYTHING in my power to fix what, in reality, I can't fix by myself, to GET THAT SCAN!


So, I need to relax; get back to that "I'm living in the moment" happy place I normally reside.  And if there is one doctor that understands this about me, it's Dr. Ramaswamy, my PCP.  He's got me down to one glucose prick in the morning, and we adjust my meds from there.  And guess what?  I was STELLAR this morning.  I had stopped obsessing about those four pricks a day as demanded by the PET scan person.  I had stopped worrying about every morsel that passed between my lips, trying to judge protein intake vs fiber vs carbs... I was literally going nuts trying to make sense of my body.  


And of course, right now, there is no sense in what my body is doing.  I'm on STEROIDS!  I have a lethal form of CANCER!  I knew that, but I still wanted to do everything right; be that perfect Catholic School girl, straight A's and guilty as hell.


Now, I hope I'm back on track, just me again, no weird childhood baggage.  That baggage just waits until you're in a weakened state, emotionally, and then it grabs on and clings to you like a fabric softener sheet.  (I hate those things, btw.)


And on that note, I think I'm going to go play World of Warcraft and just have a fun day.
This is Arugula, a worgen warlock... essentially, a werewolf on a horse with flaming hooves.  Cool. :)


Live long and prosper, all.  Until next time.

3 comments:

  1. Hey girl
    I think we get to an age where we say, "ah the hell with it", whatevah. I think that is the only right frame of mind to have these days when things go wrong be it healthwise or otherwise. Most of the time there is nothing we can do, we take care of ourselves and do all the right thngs but stuff happens that we cannot control. Been there, done that and have a ton of t shirts. Some days are harder than others, but we just have to come up fighting every morning.

    Take it easy, and have a good weekend
    Fay in the family room

    ReplyDelete
  2. Arugula? *giggle* The Worgen lock look is great though. *hugs*

    Beth

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL, yeah, you know how hard it is to get a decent name in World of Warcraft anymore! I'm going all food-related. Like my Human warrior, Triticale. :D

    ReplyDelete

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