Well, it's Saturday.

It has taken me this long to get back to being myself.  The Queen of Neuroses has been reigning over me telling me that the problems I'm having typing are caused by a brain tumor.  I'm guessing it's more probable that I've had a mini stroke, considering it's just my left hand that can't type well.  Oh, speaking of strokes, I'd better go do my Arixtra shot... I'm late!  Be right back....

Ok, all shot up.  :)

I'm having cottage cheese cravings, now.  Which is good, I guess; plenty of protein.  Yesterday I was at Ironwood having my radiation sims run.  My leg now has 4 radiation entry points, and strangely, there's even one on my right leg.  I got fitted for the leg holding apparatus, and it's quite comfortable.  I wonder how long the actual zappage will be?  I'll have to count during my first one.  I tend to count anyway; it's how I dampen my anxiety during scans and radiations.  Wow, can't believe I have to do this again.  Oh well....

Love and hugs to all!

Cancer bites.

There is a lot of psychological torture involved when dealing with cancer.  Yes, physically it's hideous, but I think the hardest part for me is dealing with the emotional side of it.  I am barely speaking to anyone this morning because I am so afraid of what today's CT will reveal.  I think I'll go hit the Xanax.

"They" say that the first sign of depression is that you don't want to do things that have always given you pleasure.  I'm mostly just sitting here staring at my computer, but I did go kill the Greench in Hilsbrad with my Tauren Druid, so I would say there's no depression on board here... just anxiety.  Oh yeah, anxiety... I have PLENTY of that.

And just what does anxiety do for you?  Well, physically, it makes me want to vomit.  Or have diarrhea, or all of the above.  Peachy, eh?  And I expect it's the anxiety that's making me really wheezy this morning.  I always take my Xopenex inhaler with me for the CT because I always react to the dratted Iodine.  I take one hit pre CT, and then another hit post CT.

So, this morning I am scared.  I hate being scared.  It's so... cowardly. ;)  Can't help it, though.  So much rides on the results of this CT.  DO I have a future?  I think, even if we don't get good news, there should still be some options.  Why do I get like this?  Normally, I can live in the moment, but not on CT day.... nope.  All my coping mechanisms are broken this morning.  I did just take a Xanax, though.  I'll probably take another when I get to Ironwood.  I do still despise the donut.

 

Don't let them fool you, there is no smiling tech with you when the scanning starts.  TRICKERY!!!!  They run off to another room, with a wall of lead between you and them.  No, you get the disembodied voice telling you to hold your breath.  Not likely, toots.  Don't have that much breath to hold.  I do my best though, not to move.  I breathe really shallowly.  So far it's worked well enough.  Come on Xanax, do your job.

Anywho, the CT is what's on my agenda for today, then tomorrow it's pre-chemo lab work, and then Thursday... may or may not be chemo, depending on the results of the CT... I do NOT want another phone call today with the words:  "I have good news and I have bad news, which do you want first?"

Keep warm, love and hugs to all. :)

Chemo Day

There are lots of repeat customers here today.  One of them is the very loquatious gentleman from two weeks ago.  Jane and I thought his loquatiousness was due to his massive anxiety about his treatment.  Chatting about ANYTHING kept his mind occupied.

Today, our regular area was usurped by snowbirds, so he ended up alone, with noone around him with which to chat.  The occupants on either side of him were fast asleep.  He began to panic; hyperventilating and requiring several of the docs to come and make sure he wasn't experiencing a reaction to his treatment.

He has calmed down, and I think he'll be fine, but he is definitely the kind of person that NEEDS interaction to stave off his fears.  And he is a prime example to teach us the importance of acknowledging our fears, and in the process, taking the power away from those fears.

In fact, he is asleep, and I wonder if one of those doctors popped a sedative in amongst all his meds.

Speaking of meds, Dr. Ramaswamy has scripted me with Percocet and Zofran.  We haven't gotten them filled yet, but we will today.  Dr. Fastenberg wants my next CT scheduled for 27 December.  It will be the normal chest and abdomen, and this time, my left thigh as well.  He wants to rule out ...bone cancer.  I hope he does! ;)

Ok, my main course, Camptosar, is about half way through.  I'm going to end this post.

Hugs to all.

Ugh, no Sleeping

I had to get up and do a breathing treatment, and if you know anything about albuterol, which is what I nebulize in my hookah, you know it makes your heart race, and wires you for sound.  For instance, I'm sitting here at my computer, and my HR is 122, and I can't stop shaking my left leg.... that's one way to get exercise, I guess. ;)


So, I've been playing World of Warcraft.  I just mute my system so I don't wake up the whole household.  There seem to be plenty more insomniacs on line tonight, so I was enjoying a chat with Smacky, a very handsome Orc warrior that is totally epic'd out.  He had kindly notified me that a rare was up, if I was interested in taming it as a pet, since I was on Kauket, my lovely Orc Hunter.  Alas, I would have needed some druid back up, and since I had just started the Firelands quests on Kauket, I did not have them at my disposal.  And believe me, Kauket is NOT epic'd out. :)


Playing World of Warcraft (WoW) when you are having trouble breathing serves an important purpose; it helps me relax, believe it or not.  That way, I stop getting anxious and feeling impending doom.  Anxiety is the worst thing you can develop in the face of an asthma episode.  And yet, it's almost always going to happen because let's face it, it's scary when you can't breathe!  But with the anxiety comes more shortness of breath.


I like to use both WoW and the power of numbers to keep me from getting too neurotic.  For instance, I have my Pulse Oxymeter, which tells me my HR and my Oxygen saturation level (the level of oxygenation in my blood).  Obviously, if my O2 level is showing at 99%, I am in really good shape.  And the breathing treatment that I did earlier is having good results.  I got a little worried I'd be heading to the ER this evening, but I think I'm going to be fine.  I'll just keep an eye on my sats.


Now, I guess since I am nowhere near being able to sleep, I should return to World of Warcraft.


Peace!

Infusion Time Again

I've had three different rounds of chemotherapy; the first in November-December of 2010, then another beginning in May of 2011, and now this one.  I had no problems getting myself in to Ironwood for every infusion in each round.  It just had to be done, and so I did it.


Why, then, is THIS round causing me so much anxiety?  Seriously, the day of my infusion, I have to take a Xanax or go bonkers.  Maybe it IS time to see a therapist.


And maybe I just am so scared of that Aranesp, it's the real cause of my anxiety.  So, I told Dr. F that I was really leery of that shot, and he talked it out with me, told me some interesting facts, and generally allayed my fears about it.  I can't remember what I said, but he smiled, and told me that he found me charming and that he really liked me. :)  Well, of course, I adore him, because he pulls no punches, he's direct, and he understands that I have a brain and treats me accordingly.  (That, people, is a rare gift in doctors, but thank gods all my doctors have that gift.)


Oh yeah, and speaking of Xanax, they called in another bottle of it for me.  It's a crutch, yeah, and I don't frankly care.  I'm not going to become addicted to it, and if I do, well, such is life... I'm not going to be around forever.


Yep, definitely having some issues today.  And of course, I get to start up the Xeloda tablets with my dinner tonight.  Yum. :P

And here is the aforementioned PINK version of my favorite fedora.  If you notice, I have a pin on my blouse....my oncology nurse uses it to pin up my IV line, so that when I wander, as I tend to do because I get bored, it won't pull, or get caught on my IV pole.


Well, I'm getting hungry, believe it or not, so, I guess it's time to think about dinner.


Love to all, and don't worry about me, the weird funk will pass as it always does. :)

Holy Guacamole! She's back!

ACK!  I don’t know if this is the Queen of Neuroses that has taken over my body, but holy crap, I’m suddenly so nervous!  Oh, sure I write a good party-line about how I’m ‘strong like bull.’  Currently, I feel ‘weak like slug!’

First, let me apologize to all slugs.  I’m guessing you’re not really weak, but I could not come up with anything else at the spur of the moment.  What I am really trying to do is calm down.  I don’t even want to think of what my heart rate is right now.  Oh boy, when they take my blood pressure today, they’ll probably gasp.

I’ve got my nervous cough going, too.  Stupid asthma.  Wow, nerves are making me less than erudite, although it’s still pretty good to come up with a word like erudite.  Anyway, I have to remember that I don’t have to do any of this.  I choose to do this.  I want to live a few more years at least.  I CHOOSE TO DO THIS!  This is my decision, not mandated by the government or peer pressure or gods only know what else.

Ok, let me go take a shower and get dressed, and I’m sure I’ll start feeling more in control.