Brain Tumors and Fear

I really thought I’d be much more terrorized by the words Brain Tumors, but I guess since they were there, and I was still alive, that took some of the fear away.  I simply cannot believe the amounts and types of medications I am on.

I have to take anti-seizure meds, now, and the Decadron keeps the swelling at bay.  I can type much better with my left hand, now, although it’s still not up to par. 

I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night because of the leg pain.  Still not quite ready to use those heavy narcotic patches, so I took a Naprosyn, and that helped me at least get to sleep.  But I was awake at six AM, because the pain was back.  But that’s ok… I started working early.

It’s not as easy to work as I had anticipated.  But I definitely can do it.  It’s just I have to be more diligent about proof-reading things before sending them out.  And, double check when I make system changes.  It’s probably for the best, all these safety measures. J

I swear, if I wasn’t due for a radiation treatment today, I would have taken a nap around 1PM.  Oh, and you know something terribly dangerous?  Dunkin Donuts opened a shop just down the street.  I made my poor sisters do a donut run this morning.  Like that’s a healthy meal!  But they surely were good!  Yes, I had two.  Bad, bad, cancer girl!

You should see all the jewelry I am wearing today…. Disco ball earrings and bracelet, and my very favorite ring, rainbow moonstone and onyx.  I have sworn to wear copious amounts of jewelry from now until the end… for what was I waiting?

Hands

Hands are the most incredible tools.  But we don't think much about them until something suddenly makes them less useful as tools.  We take our hands for granted.

Well, not me; not anymore at least.  My hands can't do so many things that used to be simply unthinking reflex actions.  Twist the cap off a tube of hand cream?  Piece of cake, unless that cap has any kind of ridges, and then, it's a complete no-go.  Open the margarine tub?  Oh no... sorry, hurts too much.

For breakfast, Jane made french toast.  I could not open the maple syrup bottle because the cap had ridges.  Sure, those ridges are great for traction, but not for people with Hand-Foot syndrome.  I know that if it gets really bad, we'll have to stop the Xeloda, and that's the last thing I want.  It's going to have to get really freaking bad before I complain to my oncologist.

The foot part is just starting to be a problem, and that's mostly noticeable when I shower.  I don't wear nice comfy padded shoes when I shower.  So, it's hard surface against bare feet and I really felt it today.  So far, my feet had been a non-issue, but yeah, I have to be careful with them, now, too.  Of course, if you think about it, there's no reason you couldn't wear, say... Croc's ... in the shower.  Hmmm, something to think about. :)

So, tomorrow I go for my labs at 7AM, then do some work, then go out to see Dr. Ramaswamy at 12:30PM.  I'm supposed to go in to the plant for some Sexual Harassment training, or something.  That's at 2:00PM.  Not sure I will have any energy left for that, though.  But it's mandatory.  I'll do my best.

The temperatures here are not as chilly as they were the past week or so.  Tonight's low is only predicted to be 48, and that's MUCH better than those low 30's.  And it looks like we have some rain in our forecast, which would be lovely.  We get it so infrequently, that we always get excited when it rains around here.  Our desert is very thirsty.

Be well, and safe.  Keep warm, and happy.  Blessings to all.

Cold... COLD!

I am SUCH a wimp when it comes to cold.  And tonight's low should be around 32.  My sisters went through the farmland wrapping up the produce.  I would hate to see my artichokes freeze to death before I could even eat one. :)  And I really, really want that red cabbage to survive!

Tomorrow I have a meeting and I want to be there in person, so I am going to head in to the plant, and then have lunch with my friend Annette at the cafeteria.  You know, I couldn't do this without my trusty scooter.  Mine is an older version than the one pictured, but you get the idea.  The battery weighs more than any other part of the vehicle.  Thank goodness I have that lift on the back of the Equinox.. oh and thank you, too, General Motors!

Today was wonderful, despite the cold.  I got quite a bit accomplished at work, and it's SO good to be stretching those little grey cells, as Poirot would call them.  It just felt so GOOD to interact with people in a way that not only challenges my brain, but delights my gregarious nature.

On the Cancer front, tomorrow morning is this round's last bunch of Xeloda, but not the last bunch forever.  My hands are happy, though, that they get a break for a week.  I'm going broke on hand lotion. :D

I almost forgot my Arixtra shot again, so I put a reminder on my calendar at work.  Shoot up at 1PM. :)  That might raise a few eyebrows.  Hehehe.

Does the weather have anything to do with the pain in my leg?  Yes, I had it in the summer, but I wonder if the cold weather exacerbates it.  I go to bed with a heating pad on it, but tonight I just might have to hit the Vicodin.  I can do it, if I sleep after I take it.  And just one doesn't seem to make me barf, but any more than that and it's good-bye to my stomach contents.

Yes, I am so happy to be working again.  I have this silly smile plastered to my face, even when it hurts to get up from a sit, I'm still happy.  I may grimace, but the smile comes right back.

Take care, everyone... keep warm, and be safe!

All is Finally Right

Today, I worked.  Got all my accesses cleared, my badge works, and my wifi was perfect, and so, I am once again a productive part of the American workforce.  YAY! :)  I think, because my new job will require some education on my part, I will probably have to ask for a printer.  Lots of new systems and processes to come up to speed on, and I learn better when I read and have things right in front of me.  Sometimes, I can be SO old-school.

Yesterday was a huge challenge.  I was on-site for about six hours and by the time I got home, I was so exhausted I ached everywhere and couldn't get warm to save my life.  This morning, my leg was excruciatingly painful, and I had a headache.  And I still had to go into the plant to get my laptop from the service center.  But, I went in early, it was ready and rarin' to go, so I probably only spent a couple of hours on-site.  Still, by the time I got home, I was in so much pain I was in tears.  So, I broke down and took a Naprosyn, and thought to myself, if I get stomach bleeding from this, so be it, at least I won't hurt that much.  I did consider taking a Vicodin, I was in that much pain, but ... oh blech... I couldn't stand the thought of having to vomit with such a headache.

So, despite this being the week from hell, I anticipate nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.  If this afternoon was any indication, we're in good shape, and I can get cracking on learning all the new things on which I need to become an expert.  Thank the deities I learn quickly.

Well, crap, I just realized that I didn't take my Xeloda with my dinner so,... I had best go get them and get them down my gullet ASAP.

Hugs to all!

A Catch-22

I'm still not an active employee, yet, although Dr. Fastenberg, who got the paperwork to fill in on Monday, had it back to Medical by Monday afternoon!  He's an angel!

So, I had called Medical yesterday, and Nurse Maureen said, yep, I should be an active employee again, as of the 28th.  But I didn't do too much yesterday, as it was chemo day.  What I did do, was plot out all the things that needed doing, so I made lists, and tried to decide if I needed more equipment here at the house, and how I was going to get myself more office space in the library if say, I needed to have a printer and a fax.  I think that was pretty productive.

I got up this morning, all ready to log in and get cracking, but alas, no luck.  So I called our Help Desk, and got a really fantastic tech.  We tried everything, and at least I got to the time-keeping system so I could log my hours, but that was it.  He sent me up to tier II, and we discovered that during the 4 months of my leave of absence, the company had issued new badges.  Alas, I had no clue of this, since I hadn't been getting e-mail.

Well, that meant I had to go into the plant, and you know what a production that is.  But the last time I did it wasn't the day AFTER my chemo infusion (Camptosar).  I was sick as the proverbial dog, but I had to take care of this.  Headed into Security, got my new badge, which I assumed would be activated by them, but alas, I was told I had to get my activation code from... my e-mail account.  Which I can't access... because....my badge is not activated.  Yeah.  Ok.

I call the Help Desk again, and he says ... wait, they show you still on Leave of Absence, so I can't help you.  So, I call leave services, and the lady I get says, "I'll leave a message for your Leave manager, and tell them to make you active."  Um, and that would happen when?

Anywho, I'm starting to think Dr. Fastenberg was right and I am nuts to want to go back to work, but I'll have a new set of responsibilities, essentially a new job, and I'll be permanently virtual, except to someday get my badge activated so I can access what I need to do my job.  In any event, I was so exhausted when I got home that I took a nap.  And when it does all get fixed, and I know it will, I'll be happy and productive and not nuts at all. :)

Love to all!

Work Tomorrow!

Can I just say that I am actually a bit scared of going back to work?  It's been five months this time.  I don't even know if I'll remember how to do stuff!  Ok, that's the Queen of Neuroses coming out of the basement... hold on, let me lasso her and drag her back down there.

Ok, so... going back to work tomorrow.  It really should not be an ordeal.  I have to go in to Medical first thing, and present them with my oncologist's list of no-no's.  For instance, because we're a manufacturing site, one of the fields on the form is what you can do with your hands; vibration, grasping, repetitive movement.  He's said no to vibration and grasping because of the Hand-Foot syndrome from the Xeloda.  I told him repetitive movement could be interpreted as using the keyboard, which I do and have no problem doing, so that has no restrictions.

The interesting part is that most of the restrictions on the form are due to my lung disease, and not necessarily the cancer.  But the problem is that the cancer makes the lung disease more difficult to deal with.  Still, I haven't had a full-up PFT in years, so I'm not sure if the last few asthma exacerbations have given me a decline in lung function.  It's hard for me to remember that it's classified as COPD exacerbation, now. :)  Things like stairs, walking... very challenging combined with the COPD and the cancer's debilitating effects.  I get tired. ;)

I changed my phlebotomy appointment to 12:30 PM, so I can at least spend some time in the plant, trying to figure things out.  But truly, I'm very happy to be getting some productive normalcy back into my life.  If I can't do this, then I will have to accept that I need to go on disability, but I am fighting that every step of the way.

Must have everything prepared before I go to bed this evening; it will make the morning so much easier.  Clothes assembled, accessories figured out, grab a Glucerna to take for breakfast, get morning meds ready, and probably, I'll need a hat.  Nancy gave me a trim yesterday so that at least I will be presentable sans headwear... not looking so much like Alfalfa from Our Gang. ;)  Oh, better find my traveling coffee mug!

The Weather Channel says it will be 76 tomorrow, but the morning will be chilly, and the scooter trip from my parking space over to medical will be nippy, so a hat is probably a very good idea.

Well, that's it for this post.  Have a lovely Sunday, and make sure when someone does something you appreciate, you let them know how much.

I Want to Go Back to Work

On Tuesday, when I see my oncologist, I am going to ask him if I can return to work earlier than scheduled.  I know he thinks I should just go out on disability, but just because my body doesn't function all that well, my mind is still in decent shape. :)  I'd like to return on the 28th of November, if I can.  That's despite the fact that the 29th begins another chemo week. :P

My company has always been very accommodating of my disabilities, so I don't think that will change.  Maybe I won't be able to start out at 40 hours a week, but I can come close, I think.  Yes, I still have to have my Camptosar infusion every other Tuesday, and have a week on the Xeloda, but my PCP is trying to get my insurance to cover a home PT/INR test kit so that I don't have to keep running to the phlebotomist every Monday and Thursday.  And frankly, my veins are giving out.

I'll call the Leave Services people on Monday and see what I need to go back to work early.  I'm guessing my oncologist will have to fill out more exciting paperwork... like the ever-popular physical abilities assessment sheet.  I'll have to go download one from the Boeing Intranet.

Anywho, a return to work will do wonders for my mental state.  I've said before that the connections to other humans are something that really lifts my spirits, and gods know I could use that.  Not that I'm depressed or anything, but I think I am feeling rather useless, and I'd rather be doing something constructive with my time and energy.  And I miss my numbers!  Keeping my checkbook balanced just isn't enough challenge. :D

So, that's my plan for Monday and Tuesday.  Yeah, Tuesday begins another chemo week.  But I can handle it... yeah. :)

Have a great weekend, everyone.  Love, hugs and kisses to all.

Thursday, post-chemo

Well, it wasn’t as bad a Thursday as when I’d had the Neulasta shot, but it wasn’t a joyride, either.  I’ve got some bone pains, but nothing like the Thursday from hell.  I just don’t feel very well, and I’m finding it difficult to get the energy to get up from a sit.  I did sleep last night, though, more than the two hours of the night before. :)

The day following chemo, my glucose is whacked out because of the pre-med, Decadron, which is also responsible for the post-chemo insomnia.  Yesterday morning I tested at 178, so I took a glipizide with my regular Januvia.  This morning I was 111, so that’s a good thing.  Cancer treatments do make dealing with Diabetes a bit problematic but my PCP is doing a great job helping me through.

Didn’t feel like eating this morning, but since I have to take my docxycline and Januvia, I have to eat something.  I downed a Glucerna bar.  Well, that sounds like I made quick work of it, but it took me an hour to get it all down.

I found it a very wonderful thing to have to work with my numbers today, because they really can take me out of the misery.  I concentrate on the story they tell, make sure it’s the truth, double check, examine the logic.  I will not put out something with my name on it that isn’t right.

You know, the last round of chemo, which I had in November and December of last year, I didn’t have this total fall-out of my hair.  It was thinner, for sure, and there were patches of baldness, but nothing like this total desertion of follicles.  Is it weird that after the initial shock at the great gobs of falling locks, I really am ENJOYING being bald?  It certainly makes showers a lot faster!  Eyelashes falling out are just odd.  They get on my glasses, and I try to keep them out of my eyes.  Blech. :D

I saw the end of a documentary last night, “How to Die in Oregon.”   The portion I saw detailed a liver cancer patient making the choice to have physician-assisted suicide.  Oregon passed the Death With Dignity Act in 1994.  When my mom was dying, and more than ready to BE dead, I found it inhumane that she could not be ushered from this life in a caring, dignified, painless fashion.  I could give this gift to my aged cat, but not my aged parent, and for now, I can’t even give this gift to myself.  No, I’m not ready yet, by a long-shot, but when I am, at least I know that Hospice will be my best option in lieu of euthanasia.

Ok, I know this was kind of a bummer post, but I'm feeling kind of bummed out, not really emotionally, but physically just done in.  In fact, I think I'm going back to bed now that my work day is over.  You'll probably look at this and think "what time do you start work, anyway?"  Well, the answer is, I can't sleep past sunrise, ever, so, I start working at six in the morning, and I'm done by 2:30PM.  

Love to all, and don't worry, the first Thursday post-chemo is the hardest.  Tomorrow will be a little better, and then the next day, better, and better, and better. :)

Harmon Killebrew, RIP

It always amazes me that we wait so long to put ourselves in Hospice care.  It's an American thing, I think; we just somehow believe something is coming at the last minute that will save us.  A stay of execution, if you will.   I hope I have the fortitude to play my last hand with determination and skill, and put myself in hospice so that I have some time to actually enjoy being with my family and friends at the end.  Hey, it's not like I'm not looking for that stay of execution, but I'm pretty sure, in my case, we'll get no call from the governor. ;)


Here's a blurb on Harmon Killebrew, a Hall of Famer for the Minnesota Twins.  This was a guy who sold insurance, drank root beer and had an apparently serene family life.  How did HE get this disease?  Babe Ruth, the man to whom Killebrew was many times compared, seemed much more a candidate, if you believe the profile of a patient with Esophageal Cancer.  Older man, hard-living (i.e. smoked and drank like a fish), white.  Methinks it's all some crazy crapshoot.  I apparently rolled craps.. or crap,.. either way.


Oh boy, I can look out my front window, here and see pigeons doing a mating dance.  Charming.  Well, not actually.  The boat-tailed grackles do it better.  More finesse, more showmanship, better plumage.


I haven't been playing World of Warcraft at all since the last chemo.  I just haven't felt 'good' enough.  Maybe by this weekend, I'll have more ooomph.  Ooomph would be good. :)


Well, I think now that my work day has ended, it might be time to take a little rest.  I don't say nap because I rarely sleep, but I feel the need to lie down.


Love to all!

Ai Carumba

Well, we had a little scare here.  Jane's currently in the hospital, undergoing some tests.  I'm hoping she can come home today.  She had some pain in her throat, but not a sore throat, and there was concern that it could be heart-related, and thus the tests.


So far, all heart type tests are coming back fine.  Now they are looking at gastric things.  One thing I will say is that they are not leaving any stones unturned at this point.  They were about to do something with barium the last time I spoke with her.  And if something were to appear, they were going to scope her.  I just tried calling, but got an elderly man, quite obviously well-drugged on pain killers, and he hung up on me. :D


Now I am waiting for the scooter lift installation place to call and tell me to come get my Equinox.  And apparently, I am waiting in vain for someone to call to reschedule that PET Scan.  I guess I'll call again, or just tell Dr. F that they dropped the ball, and all hell will break loose. ... am I that mean?  Depends on the day. ;)


I'm really tired, for as you can imagine, I did not sleep very well last night.  Jane and Nancy headed to the ER around 4PM, and no one called until about 7, and even then there wasn't much to tell.  I think it was 10PM when Nancy called and said they were keeping Jane in the hospital.  Blech.  The Big House.  At least she had her Nintendo DS with her. ;)


I hope that Mobility place calls soon... I want to go to work tomorrow!


Live long and prosper, all.

No Place Like....?

"There's no place like home!" says Dorothy Gayle in the "Wizard of Oz." Of course, most of us would agree. But I would also add that there's no place more engaging and invigorating than my place of work.

Yes, I worked at the plant today, and it made me very, VERY happy. There's a buzzing excitement everywhere you turn. We're making amazing, awesome products, and we're proud of them! The business is running incredibly well, and we're even more proud of that. We work hard, but we have fun because we have a business culture that makes it easy to voice opinions, share concepts and ideas, and not be afraid of being shot down.

It's funny because my doctors say people in my situation go on disability, or retire or just generally stop working. They find it amazing that I am fighting so hard to keep working. But how could I give up something that makes me so happy; something that buoys my spirit and invigorates me? Something that makes me feel productive! Something that challenges my brain and makes me feel alive.

Yeah, so I'm pretty giddy at the moment. I really needed to go to work today, and get charged up after yesterday's debacle. I took my scooter, and the ride over to Medical, at 6ish in the morning, was beautiful. Sunrise in the desert is a gift of nature. The colors were spectacular and the boat-tailed grackles were in full-on courtship mode, the male fluffing himself up and strutting about in front of his enamored female audience.

Of course, now that I have spent all day at work, I am exhausted. All that excitement, while enjoyable and wonderful, just wears me out. Tomorrow I'll telecommute and rest up. I'm one happy, lucky woman.

Live long and prosper, all! :)

Pet Scan Number Two.... Strike Two

UGH!  So, I have no idea what the heck happened today.  I got up, checked my glucose, which was 136.. not great, but nowhere NEAR 200, so I'm thinking we're in like Flynn.  


Alas, I get to Ironwood, and the tech takes my reading and we both gasp.  His meter reads 212.  WHAT THE ... FLOCK?  He says, we'll wait five minutes, and then test your other hand because... things happen.  I drink water and read my book.


Second reading, 220.  Is the stress of this whole situation making my glucose rise, because let me tell you, this whole enterprise is making me crazy:  it's demoralizing and frustrating as hell.  I have watched my glucose obsessively.  It's been fantastic since I got off the prednisone!  One last try, the tech says... we'll wait 15 minutes.


Third reading, 215... sorry, no scan for you today.  Ok, now I am so upset.  I make my sister drive me to Walgreens where I buy a new glucose meter.  I get home, prime it, and take a reading... 150.  Again, WTF?  So, I get out my regular meter, and test again.... 148.  This is driving me mad.  I don't know what to do!  My meters are fine; I use the control solution to check 'em out.  My test strips don't expire until 2012, so they are fine.  Apparently, my blood does not want another PET Scan.  But, I do, and so... we'll wait a week and try again.  And try again if that fails and if it does... then we'll keep trying.  


If I were laissez faire about compliance, then I would understand, but I am not.  (Insert very tired sigh here.)


But tomorrow, I am going in to the plant to work!  We've got my scooter all charged up and ready to hit the road.  I've got my Chevy guy working on getting me a class three hitch so that Mobility Center can install a lift for my scooter and then... the world is my oyster!  I'll be able to go anywhere BY MYSELF!  Muahahahahah.  But tomorrow, Nancy and Jane are driving me to work so that they can get the scooter out of my car for me.  Then they'll come get me after work.  Hopefully, this will be the only time they have to do this.


Must remember that I am supposed to report to Medical before I can actually go do some work.  I will show them that I am, once again... STRONG LIKE BULL!

Monday, Monday

That was a great song.  In the day, the Mamas and the Papas were great.  Or however they spelled their group's name.  I did love Queen Latifah's take on California Dreaming, too.

Anywho, today I'm just beginning to feel like a human.  We've had some interestingly warm temperatures again... 80's, and the allergens are flying like crazy!  Post nasal drip is just mean... mean, I tells ya!

Oh boy, got a new laptop from work today, and a nice docking bay, so I scrounged an old monitor and now I can actually SEE when I work from home. ;)  Ahh, life is good!  And kids, don't take your eyesight for granted for Mother Nature has some pretty special surprises in store for you right about your fortieth birthday! 

I read up on some studies still being run on the use of Herceptin in Esophageal cancer, and while it had positive benefits for prolonging life, I think it was up to 20% for the survival rate.  Now, granted, all of them had surgery, so... alas.  But still, 20% is a lot better than the 5-7% without it!  So bring on the herceptin cocktails!  Just hold out, body, that's all I ask. :)

Saturday morning, Jane and I decided to look in our numerous cookbooks for something good to make for dinner.  I was feeling kinda crappy, so nothing really was catching my eye.  I had turned on the TV, and the Cooking Channel had some Pillsbury cook-off queen, or something, and she made fajitas (chicken, too!) in braided crescent roll dough.  We decided it looked scrumptious.  So, we made it, and YES, it WAS!  Quite excellent, and we'll do it again, I think although for us, we'll add more veggies.  I'm thinking sauteed carrot sticks, zucchini, some slice up mushrooms... oh yes!

Now, I had better go find some dinner.  Sadly, and yet happily, there were no leftovers of the fajita crescent braid. :D

Keep warm, and HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY!!!!!

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I don't want to whine about being cold, when in reality, it's a hell of a lot better out here than in most of the rest of the country.  And yet... it's so cold!  I think it hurts us so much because we are not prepared for it.   It's like when Chicago gets to be 100.  They are not prepared for that, either.  And by prepared, I mean we're not USED to it; we don't really have the clothes for it, nor the fortitude.

Got to telecommute today, as I mentioned in yesterday's blog.  This was good in several ways.  One, I doubt I could have got myself up to my desk in a timely manner.  Like ... oh, in time to get ready to go home.  But I am going in to the plant tomorrow.  Despite the physical exhaustion, I get a quite amazing emotional boost from being there.  It's something I really need to sustain my optimism as I fight this cancer.  I see such hope for the future in our programs, and in our youngest team members.  How can you NOT be optimistic!  I want to be around for many more years yet, and I think being engaged in the workforce, and doing a job I adore is definitely part of the equation.

It's kind of odd, the enjoyment I got out of some of my more mundane responsibilities today.  Things that normally would have made me roll my eyes in disdain actually perked me up today.  Oh the joy that is administrative tasks. :D

Oh, and I haven't missed playing World of Warcraft one bit.  I mean think about it; I got to play it any time I could drag myself to a computer, while I was out on leave.  Of course, yesterday by the time I got home from work, all I wanted to do was sit in my green chair and click on my TV's remote while wrapped up in a cozy blanket.  I did get in a little play time after dinner tonight, though.

Yes, life is amazingly good to me, all things considered.  Now, all of you out East, please be safe and warm.  I love many of you; and you know who you are. :)

Cold, Tired and Happy as a Clam

Remember when you were a kid and tomorrow was Christmas?  Or maybe your memory is more like tomorrow you're going to Disneyland?  You were so excited you barely slept, and you ended up getting out of bed the next morning before anyone in your neighborhood?

Yes, that was me this morning.  I could not wait to get to work!  And it all went pretty darned well.  Best transition I have ever had coming off of a leave of absence.  Got my computer up and running by 9AM with total access to all my lovely numbers.

But oh yes, I am totally exhausted now, but it's such a wonderful, almost gleeful exhaustion.  My Boeing family welcomed me back with such warmth.  So, I probably talked too much, which tired me out even before the cancer.   I ended up leaving a bit early and finishing up my day at home telecommuting. 

It was so much fun working on my formulae in Excel and getting reports and things formatted for January month-end.  Gads, I missed it all so much; and it all came back to me so fast!  I was whipping through pivot tables like crazy. :D

Now, I am starving and need to go see about creating dinner.  I have no idea what we have in the house, but I bet I can come up with something.  I'm going to be working from home tomorrow, so I can sleep in a bit.  It's gotten rather cold, and we're expecting another overnight freeze this week.  What a bizarre winter it has been.

And in the mail today, I received a card from the congregation of which my Reverend sister is a member.  That card pushed all the chill from my day; it was full of love and kindness and a powerful fellowship.  Thank you to each and every person that had a hand in that card; I can't help but be touched and feel loved.

Ok, off to find food!  Keep warm, all!

And Back to Work I *WILL* Go!

I'm exceedingly happy to report that I'll officially be returning to work on 31 January! :)  Yes, this makes me very happy, considering I've still got stage IV Esophageal Cancer.  But if the Herceptin treatments can keep this stuff from running rampant all over my body, then baby, I am ready to get back to a 'normal' life!

Not to say three months off work wasn't necessary.  At my visit to the Radiation Oncologist today, she iterated that I had one of the worst regimens of chemo and radiation around.  And as my dear friends Jon and Michelle can vouch, I wasn't doing all that well during the chemo.  Some days it really was difficult to get out of bed and acknowledge that the world was still there.  :/

Now, we have to watch out for Radiation Pneumonitis which Dr. Tsai says can occur about four to six months after the cessation of the radiation.  And thus, I continue to take my temperature every evening. 

But oh my gosh, I am so very happy today.  I can't wait to see my co-workers, customers and friends; my Boeing family.  I wish I could say that I'll see you with a head full of my normal curly hair, but... meh.  I don't know why suddenly the lack of hair is bothering me.  I know it's better to not have hair and live, than to be a hairy corpse.  And it's not like I have NO hair at all... I have it, just not much of it.  It used to fill in all the places on my head; now, there are gaps... in some cases, big gaps.  Again, it looks like I have mange.  I toy with the idea of getting a wig, but I rather think those things are more of a pain than a pleasure. 

Maybe I'll just wear hats.  I'll start a fashion trend.  Big hats, small hats, skull caps, fishing caps, cowboy hats, berets... hmmm, that could be fun. :)

Well, hugs to everyone that reads this; things are looking up, and life is good.

Wanting to Go Back To Work

Maybe it's odd that I want to go back to work.  As of the 1st of January, I could retire if I want, but I think getting back to the normalcy of working would be really good for me.

I did contact the disability insurance folks today, and they are sending some paperwork so that I can do Intermittent Family Leave, because I will still be having treatments of SOME kind until I die.  But at the moment, and this is pending my visit to the radiation oncologist on Thursday, I only have one infusion of Herceptin every three weeks. 

Interestingly, I heard today that I don't have to go through medical to come off leave UNLESS I have any physical restrictions.  I only have those due to my lungs and those are already documented.

I wonder what my passwords are?  Oh lordy.

My temperature is 99, so I had better watch it.  The coughing hasn't slowed down at all.  If it's any higher tomorrow, I'll call the Cancer Center.

Well, it's time for bed.  Let's hear it for lots of fluffy covers and chihuahua heating devices. :)

Ahh, Pumpkin!

This weekend I watched a bit of the Food Network, and Aarti Sequeira made oatmeal with pumpkin.  That's brilliant! Pumpkin is full of great nutrients like Vitamin A, Folate, decent fiber, Vitamin C and Potassium, to name just a few.  Plus, there are probably for most of us, tons of good memories associated with pumpkin.  What a great way to work a veggie into breakfast!

Her recipe can be found here.  We changed it up because I used my favorite Muesli which already has raisins, and we didn't have any pepitas.  We used walnuts.  For the spices, we used cinnamon, cloves and allspice.  Hard as we searched through our spice cabinet, we couldn't find cardamom.  And I LOVE cardamom, so that's on the grocery list, now. :)

What a lovely breakfast it was!  There is something very warming and comforting about that pumpkin.  Needless to say, we didn't put on the extras; I don't need the sugar, and nobody really needs the heavy cream. :D  It was great just the way it was.

On an optimistic note, I do believe I'm getting a little curl back into my hair.  Well, so far, it's probably more like a bit of a wave, but I'll take it!  I don't think it will ever be thick again, but oh well, it'll be cooler in the summer!

In anticipation of getting back to work on the 31st, I'm trying to regain my strength.  I don't think I'll be heading to work minus the walker, mostly due to the lack of lung capacity... I can't carry my laptop from the car to my desk.  But I also don't want to feel all weak and dizzy, either.  So, I'm trying to eat right, which really isn't that hard, as we've been doing that for ages.  And I'm getting up and walking as much as I can.  Can't let my legs get all out of shape!  I've got my mama's legs, and I can tell you that at 85, hers were still looking quite amazing.  Maybe the skin wasn't very tight, but her muscle tone was right-on.

And on that note, I think I'll go hit the NuStep, and work on my endurance.  It's a lot harder to go to work than you might think.  It's not just sitting at a desk all day; you have to have some stamina. ;)

Hugs to all... keep warm, and tell someone how much you love them.

If it's Thursday, it must be Chemo!

Actually, this will soon no longer be true.  I'm getting triple doses of Herceptin, starting today, so that means I only have to get my infusion every three weeks. :)  Looks like I *will* be heading back to work at the end of January!

Gosh, how exciting to be getting back to a semi-normal life.  I'll have to decide on things to wear, and what earrings to put in, and all that mundane crap that I can't wait to experience again. ;)

Of course, we'll have to see what Dr. Tsai, the radiation oncologist decides to do when I see her again on the13th of January.  It's possible we'll start a new round of radiation.

So, I don't see Dr. Fastenberg again until March.  And before I see him, I have to have another CT with contrast.  Everything is looking good, I have to say.  I'm still anemic, according to my labs, but I don't need a transfusion yet.  Keep up with the iron supplements is the plan.  One of my liver function measurements was a little wonky, but we're going to watch it; it may just be a fluctuation.  The glucose was up, but I wasn't doing a fasting test, and I had just eaten breakfast.

Oh yes, I have to take my traditional chemo picture!

Look, I also managed to get my sister, Jane, in the picture.  She's my chemo buddy most days. I can drive to get the treatment, but I can't really drive back, so Jane's my post-chemo chauffeur.

I should not have taken the picture with the light fixture behind my thin, spiky hair.  I really look like a pound puppy with mange. :D

Well, that's it for this post.  Things are going VERY well on the cancer front.  Let's hope my body can hold out.

Love and hugs to all!

YAY, Aetna got the paperwork...

...and they have already assigned it to an analyst.  I may actually get paid next week! :)

I got hit by the post chemo insomnia last night.  So, I was on the computer until around 3:30AM just roaming aimlessly.  Alas, this can become dangerous if you hit somewhere with cool furniture.  But I was strong and did not buy the $5700 leather chaise that would be SO neat to lounge upon when you get exhausted. ;)

Today, my sisters are going to take Jon and Michelle out wandering, and I will rest.  I have to go in later for my radiation, but they'll be back in time to take me.  Dr. F said that my schedule shows that December 8 is my last radiation for this go-round.  It's probably not going to be my last, period.  But you know, gotta take all this one day at a time, otherwise it all gets overwhelming.

I can't tell you how much I miss working; I miss the brain-work, I miss my Boeing family, and I miss the invigoration of the human give and take of conversation.  It's kinda been this way with being a telecommuter.  I worked at the plant usually Monday through Wednesday and worked at home on Thursday and Friday.  This was because of my diminishing lung function; by the end of the week, I was exhausted.  But as my lung disease progressed, there were weeks I spent the entire time at home.  I was so excited at being able to go in on Monday and see my dear co-workers/friends.

January, my current minions rotate, and I won't be there to greet the incoming ones, but I know them; I was part of the hiring panel, and they are two wonderful, smart women.  They'll be fine.  Oh heck, they'll be GREAT!  But I wish I could be there to absorb some of that intelligence. ;)

Ok, I guess I really will go get some rest.  Love to all.  And hugs and kisses. :)