Cancer bites.

There is a lot of psychological torture involved when dealing with cancer.  Yes, physically it's hideous, but I think the hardest part for me is dealing with the emotional side of it.  I am barely speaking to anyone this morning because I am so afraid of what today's CT will reveal.  I think I'll go hit the Xanax.

"They" say that the first sign of depression is that you don't want to do things that have always given you pleasure.  I'm mostly just sitting here staring at my computer, but I did go kill the Greench in Hilsbrad with my Tauren Druid, so I would say there's no depression on board here... just anxiety.  Oh yeah, anxiety... I have PLENTY of that.

And just what does anxiety do for you?  Well, physically, it makes me want to vomit.  Or have diarrhea, or all of the above.  Peachy, eh?  And I expect it's the anxiety that's making me really wheezy this morning.  I always take my Xopenex inhaler with me for the CT because I always react to the dratted Iodine.  I take one hit pre CT, and then another hit post CT.

So, this morning I am scared.  I hate being scared.  It's so... cowardly. ;)  Can't help it, though.  So much rides on the results of this CT.  DO I have a future?  I think, even if we don't get good news, there should still be some options.  Why do I get like this?  Normally, I can live in the moment, but not on CT day.... nope.  All my coping mechanisms are broken this morning.  I did just take a Xanax, though.  I'll probably take another when I get to Ironwood.  I do still despise the donut.

 

Don't let them fool you, there is no smiling tech with you when the scanning starts.  TRICKERY!!!!  They run off to another room, with a wall of lead between you and them.  No, you get the disembodied voice telling you to hold your breath.  Not likely, toots.  Don't have that much breath to hold.  I do my best though, not to move.  I breathe really shallowly.  So far it's worked well enough.  Come on Xanax, do your job.

Anywho, the CT is what's on my agenda for today, then tomorrow it's pre-chemo lab work, and then Thursday... may or may not be chemo, depending on the results of the CT... I do NOT want another phone call today with the words:  "I have good news and I have bad news, which do you want first?"

Keep warm, love and hugs to all. :)

A Bit O' Nausea

It's just there, at the edges of my ability to perceive nausea.  Not horrible enough to make me barf, but kind of like a warning that it could get there, if I don't watch out!


Happily, I'm still at the salad craving stage, so I had one of my favorites this evening.  I don't even want to know the nutritional value.  I am eating it, and that's good enough for me.  It's from Wendy's, of all places.  It's their Spicy Chicken Caesar Salad, and I love it.  It comes with two things of dressing, so I only use one, and that's plenty for me


El Pollo Loco has a Mexican Caesar Salad with cilantro dressing and cotija cheese.  Oh yeah, now that one is definitely my favorite.  Hits me right in my Latina heritage. :D  YUMMY!


It's weird that I can be nauseated and still eat.  But of course, I have to eat, and I have to eat good stuff.  Good nutrition will help me maintain strength, be able to heal, and frankly just deal with all the chemo by-products.  I stopped taking a bunch of supplements when I got the cancer, especially the ones with HUGE pills.  I can't get them down.  I was thrilled when they came out with the tiny Krill Oil caplets.  I'd been taking fish oil for years, on the advice of my primary care doc, but those giant 'softgels' I just could not swallow any more.


So, now the only nutritional supplements I still take are Magnesium, which I take for lung function, the krill oil, B6, which helps to keep the Hand-Foot syndrome at bay, Turmeric, because I heard it was a cancer cell killer, and if all I get are placebo effects from it, I'm happy with that.  I should probably look into a good multi-vitamin that's not ginormous.  Maybe if I feel well enough, I'll take a trip to Sprout's this weekend.  I need to get more of my Xylitol mouthwash, in any event.


Tomorrow I must remember to drink even more than usual, since the iodine is very hard on my kidneys, and gods know I don't want kidney failure as my next 'challenge.'  Oh lord, it's after ten PM and I am still up.  My doggies are ready for bed, so I guess I should end this and get some sleep.  


Be well, all.  

Every Once in a While...

...you have to change things up.  I was feeling more green than dark blue, and so my blog background had to be adjusted. :)


Tomorrow, I'll do my last four Xeloda tablets for this round.  Thank the deities.  Friday, it's time for another CT scan.  To say that I'm already fretting about it is an understatement.  Frankly, I'm terrified.  I have never ... not ONCE ... had good news following a CT.  As Gilda Radner said, 'It's always something!'  I have her book of the same title, describing her journey through ovarian cancer.  I can't read it right now.


I just have to tell myself not to think about it until Friday morning, when I get another exciting frosty shake of barium and the joy of iodine ... checking in at SIX!  And I thought the Eight AM chemo was bad.  HAH! ;)


Pessimistic isn't normally how I view the world, and I am trying hard to visualize a great outcome for this week's scan.  It's not helping that I feel horrible from the week's worth of chemo.  I have always had a hard time being upbeat when I feel crappy.  I'm guessing that's probably true for everyone.  But on the bright side... and of course, there always is one, just sometimes they are harder to find than others...temperatures are coming down in The Valley of the Sun.  YAY!


Also, my very favorite holiday of all time, Halloween, is coming up fast.  It will be bittersweet this year, as Halloween was also my brother Jerry's birthday, and this will be the first one since he died.  But that's what the season is for; to honor your departed loved ones and keep their memories close.


So that brings up a delightful dilemma:  What shall I be this Halloween?  If I do get clearance to return to work in mid October, Halloween falls on a Monday, which would be the PERFECT day to wear a costume to work.  Hmmm, it would have to be something that would go well with my scooter.  Maybe I could get Nancy to mount my broom to my scooter... oh man, now I really want to go to work on Halloween!


There.  I feel better already.  You just have to keep in mind all the great things in your life, and you can get through anything.  This is also why I have this blog, so that I can work through the silly fears and get back to having a life.


Be well, all!

Fear Makes you Tired

Now comes the waiting game.  Only it's not a very enjoyable game.  I had my CT Scan this morning.  My barium drink was berry flavored.  It was very, VERY berry flavored.  And at least it was nice and cold.  Drank that down over 45 minutes and then into the CT room I went.  


First, though, we had to go over to the infusion ward and get my port accessed, which is always a breeze, and then back we went to get that damnable scan. ;)


This one was checking my abdomen and chest; we did the first few shots to make sure everything was lined up, and then the iodine came on board.  If you haven't had iodine sent into a vein, you've missed some excitement.  It doesn't hurt, it just feels a bit warm and does strange things to certain of your 'parts.'  My problem is that it really screws up my breathing.  Which, of course, was already screwed up by the left over dust in the air.  But I had taken a hit off my Xopenex inhaler before we started and once we were finished, I took another hit.


And yes, now we wait.  I really suck at this waiting stuff.  I'm brooding.  Normally, I'm pretty good at just putting these scans out of my mind, but I think if we don't get good news, we're running out of options.  Well, unless there is some study group I can get into with 'investigational' treatments.  In some cases, these trials work very well for people.  Other people die.  It's all a crap shoot, I guess.


Anywho, I have started watching "The Big C" with Laura Linney.  It's on Showtime.  I didn't see the first season; I couldn't figure out how they could have a comedy about cancer treatments.  But I have to say, they do a great job!  Now I should go to Cox On Demand and see if I can find the first season and watch it.  


This season, she's seeing a new oncologist, played by Alan Alda.  He mentions his crappy bedside manner... oh, dude, you're a neophyte.  My mom had a cardiologist that even the nurses referred to as 'that arrogant Swedish bastard."  He could give Alan Alda lessons. :D  But he was, of course, a damned fine cardiologist.


I'm really, really tired today, for some reason.  I attribute it to fear of CT results. I need to get the hell out of that, and move on to something better.  Oh, "Torchwood" is on in about 25 minutes.  That's something I've been anticipating with happiness.  I just hope the move from the UK to the US doesn't screw up the show.  I shall reserve judgment. :)


So, I think I'll go get a glass of wine and try to chill out for the rest of the evening.  Try to reclaim my normal "whatever the results, we'll deal with it" attitude.  I can do that.


Sleep well, all.  Many hugs!

The joy of Barium!

Had my CT this morning.  I didn't realize they'd want to do both barium and the iodine.  What fun! 

When I got there at just before 7AM, the ladies at the front desk smiled and said "Oh, you're here for the breakfast shake!"  I just love those two; always happy and always kind.  Jane got them rings for Christmas.  I'll have to take a photo of mine so you can see what they got.  I love both of mine; one is red and one is turquoise.  The finest plastic bling money can buy. :D  The front desk ladies loved theirs.

So about 25 years ago, I had an upper GI, and I remember swallowing barium, but believe me, great strides have been made in the palatability of this stuff.  Mine was labelled a 'vanilla smoothie.'  It was not bad at all.  Definitely not a problem getting it down.

Considering I'm just getting through with my bout of Bronchitis, I think I was breathing pretty decently this morning, but once the iodine hit, I couldn't hold my breath to save my life.  I tried to breathe as shallowly as possible though.  Hope it worked out.  We did have to do the post Iodine part of the scans twice, though.  Oh well, it's not like they don't know I can't breathe well.

Now comes the fun part; waiting around for Thursday and the results.  I think my results are going to be very positive.  For one thing, I'm still eating and breathing.  Very good signs, I say. ;)  And frankly, I got through this bronchitis pretty darned well.  Seriously, I do think I'm going to be very happy with the results from this CT.  And let's hope it shows that the Herceptin is doing its job.  I can live like this for A LOT of years, believe me.  Just give me plenty of rest and good nutrition, and I'm set!

Well, I'm going in to the plant tomorrow, so I'm going to have an early night.  I wish you all sweet dreams and a restful night.