Cancer bites.

There is a lot of psychological torture involved when dealing with cancer.  Yes, physically it's hideous, but I think the hardest part for me is dealing with the emotional side of it.  I am barely speaking to anyone this morning because I am so afraid of what today's CT will reveal.  I think I'll go hit the Xanax.

"They" say that the first sign of depression is that you don't want to do things that have always given you pleasure.  I'm mostly just sitting here staring at my computer, but I did go kill the Greench in Hilsbrad with my Tauren Druid, so I would say there's no depression on board here... just anxiety.  Oh yeah, anxiety... I have PLENTY of that.

And just what does anxiety do for you?  Well, physically, it makes me want to vomit.  Or have diarrhea, or all of the above.  Peachy, eh?  And I expect it's the anxiety that's making me really wheezy this morning.  I always take my Xopenex inhaler with me for the CT because I always react to the dratted Iodine.  I take one hit pre CT, and then another hit post CT.

So, this morning I am scared.  I hate being scared.  It's so... cowardly. ;)  Can't help it, though.  So much rides on the results of this CT.  DO I have a future?  I think, even if we don't get good news, there should still be some options.  Why do I get like this?  Normally, I can live in the moment, but not on CT day.... nope.  All my coping mechanisms are broken this morning.  I did just take a Xanax, though.  I'll probably take another when I get to Ironwood.  I do still despise the donut.

 

Don't let them fool you, there is no smiling tech with you when the scanning starts.  TRICKERY!!!!  They run off to another room, with a wall of lead between you and them.  No, you get the disembodied voice telling you to hold your breath.  Not likely, toots.  Don't have that much breath to hold.  I do my best though, not to move.  I breathe really shallowly.  So far it's worked well enough.  Come on Xanax, do your job.

Anywho, the CT is what's on my agenda for today, then tomorrow it's pre-chemo lab work, and then Thursday... may or may not be chemo, depending on the results of the CT... I do NOT want another phone call today with the words:  "I have good news and I have bad news, which do you want first?"

Keep warm, love and hugs to all. :)

Another CT Coming UP

It's not until Tuesday the 27th, but already I am dreading it.  Not the SCAN, for that's easy as pie.  No, it's the waiting for the results.  I try hard to live for today, but the spectre of the scan and its results can't be so easily dismissed.

The last scan, on the 23rd of September found the Pulmonary Embolism, for which I am massively grateful, for if it had not, I would probably not have survived through the weekend.  And so, though a PE is a horrible thing, it was the CT that saved me, and thus, it shouldn't be such a thing of dread.  It really is a GOOD thing, and I must remember to be optimistic and BELIEVE that it's going to give us some fantastic results.

Plus, I will finally, I hope, know why the hell my leg is causing me so much pain.  And if we know, then we can fix it!  So it has been said, so it shall be written. :)  I loved "The Ten Commandments."

Can we be done with Winter, now?  I'm tired of being cold.  Gads, I am SUCH a wimp. :D

Tomorrow for Christmas, we're having a roast of rib eye, which we are going to VERY, VERY carefully cook, since it was freaking expensive.  The last thing you want to do with this baby would be to over cook it.  Too bad I can't rent Bobby Flay or someone of his ilk.

I got a booklet in the mail from Genentech, who makes the Xeloda.  I liked the part that said something to the effect, "You've been on this drug for some time, now."  Oh yeah, baby, you can say that again.  Genentech sent me a whole bunch of stuff with my initial prescription; a pill dispenser, so you could pop your 4 AM and your 4 PM poison pills in this thing and not forget to take 'em.  As if.  But I use it.   There was also a really good booklet about what to expect from the side effects, and how to deal with them.  It really was a good little package of helpful, relevant... stuff. ;)

Anywho, since the scan will be on Tuesday, we are going to move our Camptosar infusions to every other THURSDAY starting next week.  I think that will be best in the long run, because then I'll have the weekend to rest up.  I managed to get somewhere in the range of 38.2 hours of work in this past week, and that's only because those damned painkillers made me so sick.

Well, to all of you Christians out there, let me wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS, and to everyone, Peace, Good-will, and may you get everything you deserve from life.

Chemo Day

There are lots of repeat customers here today.  One of them is the very loquatious gentleman from two weeks ago.  Jane and I thought his loquatiousness was due to his massive anxiety about his treatment.  Chatting about ANYTHING kept his mind occupied.

Today, our regular area was usurped by snowbirds, so he ended up alone, with noone around him with which to chat.  The occupants on either side of him were fast asleep.  He began to panic; hyperventilating and requiring several of the docs to come and make sure he wasn't experiencing a reaction to his treatment.

He has calmed down, and I think he'll be fine, but he is definitely the kind of person that NEEDS interaction to stave off his fears.  And he is a prime example to teach us the importance of acknowledging our fears, and in the process, taking the power away from those fears.

In fact, he is asleep, and I wonder if one of those doctors popped a sedative in amongst all his meds.

Speaking of meds, Dr. Ramaswamy has scripted me with Percocet and Zofran.  We haven't gotten them filled yet, but we will today.  Dr. Fastenberg wants my next CT scheduled for 27 December.  It will be the normal chest and abdomen, and this time, my left thigh as well.  He wants to rule out ...bone cancer.  I hope he does! ;)

Ok, my main course, Camptosar, is about half way through.  I'm going to end this post.

Hugs to all.

Tumor Shrinkage

Dr. Fastenberg came in this morning, and I finally got a bit more information on the results of Friday's CT scan.  The lymph node in the middle of my chest had significant shrinkage, but the most amazing news is that the tumor on my adrenal gland shrunk by HALF!

Talk about good news! :)  I am so very lucky.

I won't be having my scheduled chemos this week, but we do want to continue on this regimen.  Who wouldn't?  Dr. F wants to see me next Tuesday and we'll go from there.  As for my stay in hospital, there is no telling when I'll get sprung from 'dis joint.'  I can't wait to get home to Cisco, who has not been taking my absence very well.

Well, I'm going to go read for a while.  Love to all!

In Hospital

This morning I headed to Ironwood Cancer & Research Center for my CT scan.  When I got home my oncologist called to tell me to get to my hospital's ER...the scan found a blood clot in my lungs.

But, he also told me that there was tumor shrinkage!  It looks like we are getting great results from this chemo.

Anyway, I am now in Banner Baywood and will be here until Tuesday, probably.  I'm on a heparin drip, hopefully disintegrating the clot.

Take care, all.  I love you.  :)

Every Once in a While...

...you have to change things up.  I was feeling more green than dark blue, and so my blog background had to be adjusted. :)


Tomorrow, I'll do my last four Xeloda tablets for this round.  Thank the deities.  Friday, it's time for another CT scan.  To say that I'm already fretting about it is an understatement.  Frankly, I'm terrified.  I have never ... not ONCE ... had good news following a CT.  As Gilda Radner said, 'It's always something!'  I have her book of the same title, describing her journey through ovarian cancer.  I can't read it right now.


I just have to tell myself not to think about it until Friday morning, when I get another exciting frosty shake of barium and the joy of iodine ... checking in at SIX!  And I thought the Eight AM chemo was bad.  HAH! ;)


Pessimistic isn't normally how I view the world, and I am trying hard to visualize a great outcome for this week's scan.  It's not helping that I feel horrible from the week's worth of chemo.  I have always had a hard time being upbeat when I feel crappy.  I'm guessing that's probably true for everyone.  But on the bright side... and of course, there always is one, just sometimes they are harder to find than others...temperatures are coming down in The Valley of the Sun.  YAY!


Also, my very favorite holiday of all time, Halloween, is coming up fast.  It will be bittersweet this year, as Halloween was also my brother Jerry's birthday, and this will be the first one since he died.  But that's what the season is for; to honor your departed loved ones and keep their memories close.


So that brings up a delightful dilemma:  What shall I be this Halloween?  If I do get clearance to return to work in mid October, Halloween falls on a Monday, which would be the PERFECT day to wear a costume to work.  Hmmm, it would have to be something that would go well with my scooter.  Maybe I could get Nancy to mount my broom to my scooter... oh man, now I really want to go to work on Halloween!


There.  I feel better already.  You just have to keep in mind all the great things in your life, and you can get through anything.  This is also why I have this blog, so that I can work through the silly fears and get back to having a life.


Be well, all!

Fear Makes you Tired

Now comes the waiting game.  Only it's not a very enjoyable game.  I had my CT Scan this morning.  My barium drink was berry flavored.  It was very, VERY berry flavored.  And at least it was nice and cold.  Drank that down over 45 minutes and then into the CT room I went.  


First, though, we had to go over to the infusion ward and get my port accessed, which is always a breeze, and then back we went to get that damnable scan. ;)


This one was checking my abdomen and chest; we did the first few shots to make sure everything was lined up, and then the iodine came on board.  If you haven't had iodine sent into a vein, you've missed some excitement.  It doesn't hurt, it just feels a bit warm and does strange things to certain of your 'parts.'  My problem is that it really screws up my breathing.  Which, of course, was already screwed up by the left over dust in the air.  But I had taken a hit off my Xopenex inhaler before we started and once we were finished, I took another hit.


And yes, now we wait.  I really suck at this waiting stuff.  I'm brooding.  Normally, I'm pretty good at just putting these scans out of my mind, but I think if we don't get good news, we're running out of options.  Well, unless there is some study group I can get into with 'investigational' treatments.  In some cases, these trials work very well for people.  Other people die.  It's all a crap shoot, I guess.


Anywho, I have started watching "The Big C" with Laura Linney.  It's on Showtime.  I didn't see the first season; I couldn't figure out how they could have a comedy about cancer treatments.  But I have to say, they do a great job!  Now I should go to Cox On Demand and see if I can find the first season and watch it.  


This season, she's seeing a new oncologist, played by Alan Alda.  He mentions his crappy bedside manner... oh, dude, you're a neophyte.  My mom had a cardiologist that even the nurses referred to as 'that arrogant Swedish bastard."  He could give Alan Alda lessons. :D  But he was, of course, a damned fine cardiologist.


I'm really, really tired today, for some reason.  I attribute it to fear of CT results. I need to get the hell out of that, and move on to something better.  Oh, "Torchwood" is on in about 25 minutes.  That's something I've been anticipating with happiness.  I just hope the move from the UK to the US doesn't screw up the show.  I shall reserve judgment. :)


So, I think I'll go get a glass of wine and try to chill out for the rest of the evening.  Try to reclaim my normal "whatever the results, we'll deal with it" attitude.  I can do that.


Sleep well, all.  Many hugs!

The BIG Dust Storm

I've lived here in Arizona since June 3rd of 1985, and we see dust storms several times a year.  But yesterday's... oh holy moses, that was something else!  That link shows several videos and photos.  I just was awestruck.  We weathered it well with no damage, but folks across the street from us had gates ripped out, and fence slats torn right away.


The dust lingered for SO long, and when we first saw it, it actually looked like fog was rolling in, and though we HAVE gotten fog, and that's weird enough on its own, this was obviously not fog.  


Our poor cars; they looked like they had been through a volcanic eruption.  Even mine, which gets to have the garage to itself, was still covered in dust.


So, nothing major on the agenda for tomorrow; just work, and then Friday morning it's off to Ironwood Cancer and Research Center to have my CT with contrast and of course to drink my yummy frosty barium shake before hand. :D  Actually, it's much more palatable these days, it's almost drinkable. 


We've got more thunderstorms forecast for tonight, so I'll turn off all my 'puters early and go to bed and read.  "A Dance With Dragons" should be delivered next week, not in time for chemo, darn it, but I'm just happy I'll have it!  I hope to gods someone lives through this book. :D


Peaceful dreams, all.  

Stuffed Squash

It's only 102 degrees at 3:30PM, but the humidity is up at 27%.  Oh sure, sounds pretty good to folks in places like the southern states that get REAL humidity, but it's still yukky to us. :)

Oddly, yesterday I was getting my Thursday-after-chemo leg pains.  It was very sporadic though, thank the deities.  And I had another Ocular Migraine.  At least in this round it's only been two of them.  I'm beginning to feel antsy about the CT that I will be having on Friday.  I can't tell you how hard it is to try to just keep these tests in perspective.  The results of this CT will tell me if this very toxic chemo regimen is doing me any good, or not.  I need to not think about it until Friday rolls around, and then I can be an anxious, neurotic mess until I see my Oncologist on the following Tuesday.

And on that Tuesday, the 12th, I am supposed to have my fourth chemo of this round.  I'm feeling wildly ambivalent about that.  I will not lie and say my body could not really use a break from all this.  And if the results of the CT are bad, it will get its break.  But if the results of the CT are good, we'll go for chemo four, and it'll be more pain, more feeling sick,, more creepy side effects, but I would still be getting RESULTS, I would still be LIVING.

But if the results of the CT are bad, will there be anything left to do?  Let me clarify that; will there be anything left to do that I could survive?

Well, I had to get all that off my chest, and now I can move on to today's happier subject, stuffed squash!  I looked around and found a decent recipe from the Food Network, and had to bastardize it.  For one thing, there will be no oven use until... oh...around November, I'd have say.  Unless we have one of this past year's winters from hell.

Back to the squash.  I scooped the seeds from a round zucchini, a normal zucchini, an acorn squash and one I could not identify, but looks like a variety of turban squash, which is weird since I thought they were winter squash.  After getting the seeds cleared out, I put them in a large glass bowl, with about an inch and a half of water in the bottom, and steamed them in the microwave.  Each variety of the squash was done in its own time, so I had to watch them like a hawk. :)

After they were all cooked, I got out some ground, lean turkey, and with Jane's help, we made the stuffing.  Once the meat was cooked through, we added a can of original Rotelle, sea salt, cracked pepper, corn, and let it simmer for a bit.   We diced another zucchini, and a slice from that unknown turban, and added it to the stuffing along with some of the last of our collards and spinach.  Finally, we had made our favorite brown rice mixture, and folded that in as well. Oh, and I tossed in some chopped walnuts for some extra texture and nutrition.  I also love to use McCormick's blend of Greek seasoning, so I tossed a couple tablespoons of that after rubbing it between my palms.

Once we were satisfied with the seasonings, we stuffed it into our squashes, topped it with Parmesan and popped it in our Oster Toaster Oven on broil, just enough to get it all warm again and melt the cheese.  I must say it was WAY satisfying; toothsome, flavorful and SO fresh!  I love growing my own food.  On the off chance that this cancer gets cured, I think my sisters and I should go buy a small farm somewhere cool.  Dreams.... :)

Oh, and Happy Fourth of July to America.  In honor of this occasion, I watched "John Adams" on HBO with the brilliant Paul Giamatti.  In fact, I don't think there was one sub-par actor in that movie.

Back to work tomorrow for many of us.  Have a great week, and I'm sure I'll be writing again soon.  Love ti all!!!

Nose is Still Hideous

But I am almost starting to feel a little more human.  I'm still wobbly on my feet, due to the debilitating effects of the chemo, but I did have a little bit of an appetite this evening.


I couldn't work again today, but thankfully, I did have enough sick time saved up that I could use two days of it.  It's kind of scary that every round of chemo, I get sick with SOMETHING.  I hope to heavens this regimen is making a difference.  This is hard, and now I'm starting to have anxiety about each round.


Hopefully, the CT will show some improvements in my tumors and if it does, I will continue on, and just deal with it.  If not, I don't know.  Yes, I am terrified of this disease running its course.  


I have to stop typing, now.  The pain in my arms is annoying.  Have sweet dreams, all. :)

It's Taxol Time

Another exciting round of chemo here today at Ironwood Cancer and Research Center.  I took a vacation day, because for me, it's almost impossible to try to flex around a six hour infusion.  I have oncolgy nurse Julie this day.  I've gotten past the four premeds:  Aloxi, Decadron, Benadryl and famotidine.  The Taxol is not even half way through and it's 12:04.  Ai carumba.

I talked to Dr. Fastenberg this morning, and he said my white counts are coming up fine enough that we still won't do the Neulasta.  So tomorrow evening, I'll start on the Naprosyn and try to mitigate the pain a bit.  Also, he said that taking the Benadryl would be fine, so I'll have my sisters get me some and start taking it on Wednesday night.

I told him about the ocular migraines and he said if they started up again, we'd have to do a brain scan.  Not that he thinks this could be a cancer problem, but we would still have to check it out.  Esophageal cancer does Metastasize into the brain.

Dr. F does have me scheduled for another round of this chemo on the 12th of July, but some time before that I am supposed to have my CT, chest and abdomen.  We need to have some good news.  I really need to have some good news.

We were just having a fun conversation with some of the other chemo inmates.  Two of them were originally from Ohio, so we talked about snow.

Well, I'm really tired, and not feeling up to snuff, so I'm done for this post.

Be well, all... HUGS!

The joy of Barium!

Had my CT this morning.  I didn't realize they'd want to do both barium and the iodine.  What fun! 

When I got there at just before 7AM, the ladies at the front desk smiled and said "Oh, you're here for the breakfast shake!"  I just love those two; always happy and always kind.  Jane got them rings for Christmas.  I'll have to take a photo of mine so you can see what they got.  I love both of mine; one is red and one is turquoise.  The finest plastic bling money can buy. :D  The front desk ladies loved theirs.

So about 25 years ago, I had an upper GI, and I remember swallowing barium, but believe me, great strides have been made in the palatability of this stuff.  Mine was labelled a 'vanilla smoothie.'  It was not bad at all.  Definitely not a problem getting it down.

Considering I'm just getting through with my bout of Bronchitis, I think I was breathing pretty decently this morning, but once the iodine hit, I couldn't hold my breath to save my life.  I tried to breathe as shallowly as possible though.  Hope it worked out.  We did have to do the post Iodine part of the scans twice, though.  Oh well, it's not like they don't know I can't breathe well.

Now comes the fun part; waiting around for Thursday and the results.  I think my results are going to be very positive.  For one thing, I'm still eating and breathing.  Very good signs, I say. ;)  And frankly, I got through this bronchitis pretty darned well.  Seriously, I do think I'm going to be very happy with the results from this CT.  And let's hope it shows that the Herceptin is doing its job.  I can live like this for A LOT of years, believe me.  Just give me plenty of rest and good nutrition, and I'm set!

Well, I'm going in to the plant tomorrow, so I'm going to have an early night.  I wish you all sweet dreams and a restful night.

Progress...

Got hold of Ironwood today to schedule my next CT to check the progress of my tumor.  I have to go get some lab work tomorrow, and then I report in at 6:30 AM Monday!  Let's get it over with, I say.  Then I can fret until my appointment with Dr. Fastenberg on Thursday, right before my Herceptin treatment.

The head is almost completely clear, now, but I still have to get my chest clear.  Nurse said not to worry, there will be no delay in my Herceptin schedule unless I was running a fever, which I am not.  Took my last Levaquin today, so hopefully, I won't be running a fever any time soon.

Oh my gosh, I got the best thermometer!  It's a temporal thermometer by Exergen. It's so fast, and very accurate, if you actually read the instructions on how to use it. ;)   Go see it here!

So, tomorrow I'm going to have an early night to make up for some lost sleep and next week all the oncologist fun starts again.  This CT on Monday is going to be looking at my entire digestive tract, with contrast which is why I have to be there so early.  I have to drink a lovely barium mocha smoothie, and then have my iodine shot into my port.  Can't wait! :D

I also can't wait to see how my glucose is after a week on the Prednisone, not to mention if that one abnormal on my liver function is still there.  Doctor Ramaswamy said to ditch the statins if I had to, though, so we shall see.

Ok, I'm off to watch Top Chef All-Stars.  Sleep well, my friends.  Love to all!

If it's Thursday, it must be Chemo!

Actually, this will soon no longer be true.  I'm getting triple doses of Herceptin, starting today, so that means I only have to get my infusion every three weeks. :)  Looks like I *will* be heading back to work at the end of January!

Gosh, how exciting to be getting back to a semi-normal life.  I'll have to decide on things to wear, and what earrings to put in, and all that mundane crap that I can't wait to experience again. ;)

Of course, we'll have to see what Dr. Tsai, the radiation oncologist decides to do when I see her again on the13th of January.  It's possible we'll start a new round of radiation.

So, I don't see Dr. Fastenberg again until March.  And before I see him, I have to have another CT with contrast.  Everything is looking good, I have to say.  I'm still anemic, according to my labs, but I don't need a transfusion yet.  Keep up with the iron supplements is the plan.  One of my liver function measurements was a little wonky, but we're going to watch it; it may just be a fluctuation.  The glucose was up, but I wasn't doing a fasting test, and I had just eaten breakfast.

Oh yes, I have to take my traditional chemo picture!

Look, I also managed to get my sister, Jane, in the picture.  She's my chemo buddy most days. I can drive to get the treatment, but I can't really drive back, so Jane's my post-chemo chauffeur.

I should not have taken the picture with the light fixture behind my thin, spiky hair.  I really look like a pound puppy with mange. :D

Well, that's it for this post.  Things are going VERY well on the cancer front.  Let's hope my body can hold out.

Love and hugs to all!

Off to get the CT...

.. to see if Evil Tumor has gotten smaller, and see if the lymph nodes are controlled.  Now, when I say it's freezing outside, I am, for once, not exaggerating:  It's 31!!!!  Holy moses, isn't this still Autumn?

One of the 'thrills' about dealing with cancer are the tests and getting the results.  This CT's results are very important to me.  I don't want to dwell on things that are non-positive, especially since the test is in an hour, and I'd rather face it with positive vibes.  But, I think you can guess the negative aspects of what the results could be.

On the other hand, I'd like to see Evil Tumor has shrunk and his companions are no more.  I still don't want that damned surgery, though. 

I would kill for coffee right now, but no food or drink before the CT.  Cooooooffffeeeeeeeeee.  Yes, I am losing it.  Well, it's early!  And, and... it's COLD!  Oh dear, I hope my lemon tree survived. 

Well, see you all later.  Think positive thoughts!

Un Petit Rant (how to ruin several languages at once)

Today, after work, I headed out to my second home, Ironwood Cancer and Research Center, to get my CT with contrast and get measured and fitted for my possible radiation treatments.

Again, never having had the contrast (and it's iodine, if not iodine-based), I was a bit nervous, and also because today would be the first use of the infusion port.  I LOVE MY PORT!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, now that we have that part over, may I just have a short rant on CT's in general?  Yes, they are relatively quick and easy, yes, they are an important part of knowing what's going on deep inside your body, but CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SOME FREAKING LUMBAR SUPPORT???

Wow, I'm thinking the iodine has made me into some raving malcontent.  But seriously, if they expect you to lie on your back for 20-30 minutes on a very hard board, and kids, it IS 2010, can't they figure out a way to do it so that you don't have to bite your lip because of the back pain?

I had to stop and get some albuterol half way through, too, as I don't breathe well flat on my back.  But that worked out fine, and I guess I'll be taking my puffer with me if we do the radiation treatments.  A pre-radiation dose is probably going to help get me through. :)

The Bard Power Port is what I have, and yes, apparently infusionistas prefer it hands-down.  I wish I could describe the needle contraption that they use with it.  It is so amazing to have an IV and not have all the anxiety of having to find a vein and hope for the best.  Yep, this thing is awesome!  Best part of all is that it gets flushed with saline and doesn't need Heparin!  WOOHOO!

I really do think that iodine is making me giddy, or maybe it's lack of food.  Jane just called me to dinner, so let's go try to eat!

Have a fabulous evening, everyone!