Cancer bites.

There is a lot of psychological torture involved when dealing with cancer.  Yes, physically it's hideous, but I think the hardest part for me is dealing with the emotional side of it.  I am barely speaking to anyone this morning because I am so afraid of what today's CT will reveal.  I think I'll go hit the Xanax.

"They" say that the first sign of depression is that you don't want to do things that have always given you pleasure.  I'm mostly just sitting here staring at my computer, but I did go kill the Greench in Hilsbrad with my Tauren Druid, so I would say there's no depression on board here... just anxiety.  Oh yeah, anxiety... I have PLENTY of that.

And just what does anxiety do for you?  Well, physically, it makes me want to vomit.  Or have diarrhea, or all of the above.  Peachy, eh?  And I expect it's the anxiety that's making me really wheezy this morning.  I always take my Xopenex inhaler with me for the CT because I always react to the dratted Iodine.  I take one hit pre CT, and then another hit post CT.

So, this morning I am scared.  I hate being scared.  It's so... cowardly. ;)  Can't help it, though.  So much rides on the results of this CT.  DO I have a future?  I think, even if we don't get good news, there should still be some options.  Why do I get like this?  Normally, I can live in the moment, but not on CT day.... nope.  All my coping mechanisms are broken this morning.  I did just take a Xanax, though.  I'll probably take another when I get to Ironwood.  I do still despise the donut.

 

Don't let them fool you, there is no smiling tech with you when the scanning starts.  TRICKERY!!!!  They run off to another room, with a wall of lead between you and them.  No, you get the disembodied voice telling you to hold your breath.  Not likely, toots.  Don't have that much breath to hold.  I do my best though, not to move.  I breathe really shallowly.  So far it's worked well enough.  Come on Xanax, do your job.

Anywho, the CT is what's on my agenda for today, then tomorrow it's pre-chemo lab work, and then Thursday... may or may not be chemo, depending on the results of the CT... I do NOT want another phone call today with the words:  "I have good news and I have bad news, which do you want first?"

Keep warm, love and hugs to all. :)

The Dentist

I'm not supposed to have invasive dental procedures while undergoing chemotherapy.  But the temporary fix to the missing filling has bitten the dust.  I called my dentist today, and we worked out the probable best time for doing another temporary, and that will be on Wednesday.  Hopefully, I will be feeling well enough to at least walk with the walker, but at least my dentist has a handicapped parking space right outside his door.


Happily, I have no pain, just the abyss where the filling used to reside.  Mainly, I don't want to screw up that area in any way and GET pain, or have to have some really invasive procedure.  And since I can't have work done on my mouth while I'm doing chemo, ... It's hard to tell WHEN I can get the situation truly fixed.  Oh well.


Tomorrow, I take my Xeloda morning pills, and then I have my beloved week off!  Had another ocular migraine this morning, and I had had one on Saturday, which means I will have to tell Dr. Fastenberg, and he'll want to have my head examined. :D  Yeah, I will certainly be looking forward to a brain scan.  Thank the deities for Xanax.


Plus I have to tell him that I am having shooting, nerve-type pain in my LEFT shoulder, now.  Ai chihuahua.  It's always something.


The weather is pretty hideous this week; we have an Excessive Heat Warning in effect until THURSDAY!  And when they say Excessive Heat out here, they mean business.  Like we PRAY for the lows at night to be under 90 degrees, and the highs to not get any worse than 110.  Of course, you probably realize that my veggie garden is done for the summer, but wow, did we get great produce!


Oh, I finished my triptych watercolor!  Nancy and Jane are going to see about the framing for me.  I have decided that I just love how it turned out, and now I feel much more confident about hitting the canvas to make something for Wendy and Dean.


Be well, all.  Make sure you hug someone every day!  I'm going to close this post with a picture of Portia, the scarlet macaw.  She was a rescue, and the sweetest thing, but alas, years of malnutrition cut her life short.  At least she did finally learn to eat real food and play, so I am happy the final year of her life was good to her.

Infusion Time Again

I've had three different rounds of chemotherapy; the first in November-December of 2010, then another beginning in May of 2011, and now this one.  I had no problems getting myself in to Ironwood for every infusion in each round.  It just had to be done, and so I did it.


Why, then, is THIS round causing me so much anxiety?  Seriously, the day of my infusion, I have to take a Xanax or go bonkers.  Maybe it IS time to see a therapist.


And maybe I just am so scared of that Aranesp, it's the real cause of my anxiety.  So, I told Dr. F that I was really leery of that shot, and he talked it out with me, told me some interesting facts, and generally allayed my fears about it.  I can't remember what I said, but he smiled, and told me that he found me charming and that he really liked me. :)  Well, of course, I adore him, because he pulls no punches, he's direct, and he understands that I have a brain and treats me accordingly.  (That, people, is a rare gift in doctors, but thank gods all my doctors have that gift.)


Oh yeah, and speaking of Xanax, they called in another bottle of it for me.  It's a crutch, yeah, and I don't frankly care.  I'm not going to become addicted to it, and if I do, well, such is life... I'm not going to be around forever.


Yep, definitely having some issues today.  And of course, I get to start up the Xeloda tablets with my dinner tonight.  Yum. :P

And here is the aforementioned PINK version of my favorite fedora.  If you notice, I have a pin on my blouse....my oncology nurse uses it to pin up my IV line, so that when I wander, as I tend to do because I get bored, it won't pull, or get caught on my IV pole.


Well, I'm getting hungry, believe it or not, so, I guess it's time to think about dinner.


Love to all, and don't worry about me, the weird funk will pass as it always does. :)

Pet Scan Number Two, take Two...

The redo on the PET scan is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9:00.  My glucose has been stellar since I've been off the steroids, so I do not see any problems.  However, I didn't anticipate anything the last time, so I will be testing before I head out to Ironwood C&RC.  


I'm not having any major anxiety about the scan, since the last one seemed to be no problem.  But, the last PET was done at another facility.  However, Ironwood always seems to have top-notch equipment, so I'd guess the one tomorrow will be even better than the last one.  Yeah, that's what I'm going with on the anticipation front.  And yet, I shall still be packing the Xanax, just as a bit of insurance against a random anxiety attack.


I was warned not to wear an underwire bra for this scan.  HAH!  Those evil slings of torture?  No underwire has gotten near my 'girls' in years, and never shall again.  No, my 'girls' are quite happy with cotton; they need no trussing up in what amounts to barbed wire!  (Well, after being worn for more than an hour or so, it starts to FEEL like barbed wire, anyway.)

This handsome devil to the right is my Orange Wing Amazon Parrot, Vinnie the Vampire.  He's 15 years old, and is the sweetest thing on earth.  In the old days, before my lungs went to hell, I used to do minimal parrot rescue.  Vinnie wasn't exactly a rescue, but he wasn't a tamed bird, either.  We both had to overcome fear of each other, and now, we're great friends.  He was just under a year when he came to me, and enjoyed drawing blood, hence the "Vampire" sobriquet.


Not sure why I decided to talk about Vinnie today, but I love this picture of him, out in my back garden, and thought I'd share.


Take care, all.  Send me some good juju for tomorrow's scan.  HUGS!

PET Scan Number Two

I know I haven't posted since Monday, and that's gotten my phone ringing a bit, which is a testament to the fact that those who read this blog notice these things.  And I love you for that. :)


Monday, after I quit virtually working for the day, I had some leftover "Dinner in a Loaf" and went to bed at 6:30PM.  I woke up at 11ish, had some water, and then went back to bed and got up at 6AM.  That's a heck of a lot of sleep for me.


However, the fever has left the building, and though I continue to cough up crap out of my lungs, the volume of said crap is subsiding.


I've got an appointment for PET Scan number two at 2PM today.  I also got a voice mail from Ironwood's finance department.  Perhaps they were trying to warn me ahead of time that this procedure would be the max out I've been waiting for on my 'out of pocket.'  And that would be good, because my pockets are getting threadbare.  Thank the gods for that bonus which is now about petered out.  Everything works out, somehow or another. :)


So, I'll be hitting the Xanax just around when I get to Ironwood, because if this is anything like the last PET, I'd rather have it on board when I get there than to take it 1/2 hour before entering the tube o' terror.


I will check my glucose level before I leave the house, too. They can't do the test if my glucose is over 200, and it sure as hell had better not be.  I had scrambled eggs and one piece of toast for breakfast, and that's it so far today.  Plus, I took my Januvia, so I should pass that test.


I was reading an article today about how patients present themselves to doctors and how, many times, turn a deaf ear to their doctors' instructions.  Is it simple laziness in participating in their own care?  Is it that some aspect of their home life makes it almost impossible to follow orders?  Can they not afford the medications?  Do they just not give a flying rat's ass?


In my case, I try very hard to do what I'm told, although for years Dr. Ramaswamy would gently yell at me because I kept refusing to get another colonoscopy.  I told him I woke up during the first one and all the Versed in the world would not change the fact that I remembered the pain.


That's one of the reasons he was so happy when he finally convinced me to see Dr. Collins, the gastro.  And this time, thanks to that propofol, it was a breeze.  So yeah, in my case my lack of compliance was fear of pain.  Oh, that damned fear; it really wreaks havoc on an otherwise intelligent brain.


An actual good reason for my not posting is that I was busy playing Dragon Age II.  :)  It's a nice break from World of Warcraft.


So, I'm going to play a bit before I have to mosey out to Ironwood and begin my torturous tubular adventure.


Hugs and kisses!

Listening to Inspirational Music

Of course, for me, that means the entire "Lord of the Rings" extended version of Howard Shore's scores.  It may make me a major geek (and I'd be proud of that title), but I find so much heroism in those tales, and I'm looking for them to keep me strong and brave.

It wasn't a great day for me; I felt really, really bad most of the morning, then broke down and took a Xanax before today's radiation.  I guess me beating esophageal cancer is as daunting a task as the Lords of the West defeating Sauron.  It can be done, but the quest will cost much in pain and fear.  But, ultimately, courage and hope and the trust in the goodness of humanity (or the amazing talents of the oncology staff) will win the ultimate battle.

And so I listen to this wonderful, heroic, epic music and tell myself that I have the fortitude to get through this, although I won't have a cleaned-up Aragorn waiting for me.  Besides, he looks much better as the rough, unkempt Ranger.

Tomorrow is lab work day, but that should be pretty quick, since you can make appointments now.  Happy day!  And thank the gods and all the pantheon that the election BS is over for this go-round.  Whatever happened to honor and honesty; who stole America's consideration and compassion?  Now, now, I know I musn't despair; it's that old media frenzy again, pointing out all the evil in the world, while ignoring all the love and grace of ordinary people.  Must not forget that!

By george, I think the music is working!  :)

Radioactive Chick!

I'm back from having my PET scan, and I must say it was another adventure in terror.  Ok, no, it wasn't bad at all.  The only terror experienced was all brought to you by the Queen of Neurosis who had apparently escaped from the basement.  She's back in there now, so everthing's fine.

Time for another of the dreaded IV's and this nurse went above the elbow, but she nailed it!  And so far, no marks to show for it.  Next came the radioactive glucose, which was a non-event.  It didn't burn, it didn't hurt, it didn't seem to do anything, although several people have mentioned my healthy ... cough... glow.

Sadly, you have to sit silently for an hour as you wait for said radioactive substance to wander about your body in search of cancer cells.  I hope their search was fruitless, and certainly not fructose.  In any event, I read a book waiting for them to come haul me kicking and screaming into the tube o' torture.

I was deeply disappointed.  The room was bright, and freakishly cheery with its wall of windows and natural light.  The technician tried to put somthing under my head to raise it a bit, because I have such a hard time breathing while laying on my back.  This scan takes 30 minutes... oh lordy.  However, I had used my secret weapon a half hour before being put in the machine:  XANAX!

The technician was kindness itself, trying to ensure I wasn't scared, and making me as comfortable as I could get under the circumstances.  So, back I lay (and if it should be lie, well, poo, but I can't be the perfect grammarian all the time) and the festivities began.

It's a quiet machine, the PET scanner.  I think even quieter than the CT.  And you don't spend the entire 30 minutes with your head in the tube, thank the dieties.  I closed my eyes and began counting, trying not to worry about the immiment arrival of the tube encasing my head.

I was good up until minute 22, when the muscles in my back began to spasm.  But I wasn't about to have to do this again, so I bit the bullet and kept counting because the tube was over my neck and I knew it was getting close to covering my head.

At last, it was over, and Jane, who had accompanied me for moral support, and I decided to stop by Ironwood Cancer and Research center to make an appointment with the oncologist since we were in the area.

Finally, we headed home, but made a stop at Crackers and Co., where I had half a bowl of utterly magnificent poblano corn chower.  It made me very happy.  I think there is going to come a time when I won't be able to eat for quite a while, so I am enjoying every tiny tittilation of my taste buds.

Got home to find the digestive disease doc had called to say that yes, it is definitely esophageal cancer, and he was impressed that I had gotten my PET so quickly.  Hey, MY  PC does not let grass grow under his feet! 

That's enough for today.  I am exhausted.  Hope I can sleep well tonight, and not be bothered by glowing in the dark. ;)

Scanning for PETs?

I got a call from East Valley Diagnostic Imaging earlier today asking when I wanted to schedule my PET scan.  Well, never, actually, but since it's silly not to accept reality, we scheduled the scan for tomorrow at Noon.

Noon... so why do I have to be there at 10:30 to check in?  Oh because we'll be putting creepy crap into your bloodstream so we can find all the nooks and crannies into which the cancer could be hiding.

I'm like, DUDE!  (ok, really, I have played WOW for too long.)  I've still got the black fist of death from last Friday's IV, and I get to deal with another one tomorrow?  Be still my heart... no not literally, thank you. 

You see, I only have one arm still available for injections, blood pressure, blood draws and IV's, and it's not looking so hot right now, and the last time I was at EVDI for my CT scan, after three tries they gave up on the IV.  So, I face tomorrow wtih a bit of trepidation, but I really, REALLY want to get this part over.  I HAVE TO KNOW!

I went to work today, but I left there a little after 1PM.  I was feeling pretty drained.  I haven't heard any more about my biopsy findings and it's getting on my last nerve.  Oh, but hey, I have my new, exciting bottle of Xanax and I shall take it with me tomorrow, although they tell me the PET is about on a par with the CT scan, and that was fine.  Of course, if this is true, why did they ask if I was claustrophobic?  Hmmm.....

Oh well, I'm too tired to worry about it.  Let's just get it over while I'm in my "oh-I'm-so-stoic!" phase. :)

And I get my fresh bottle of Xanax...

I have just returned home from seeing PC, and though the biopsy results were not back yet, we did have a long discussion of treatment options and what my next steps should be.

There is still the slim possibility that this thing is benign.  I like this possibility the most, but alas, in the real world using the word SLIM in this case is not a positive.

Now it's time to assemble the team of doctors once again, with my dear PC playing chief orchestrator.  I've got to get an appointment with the oncologist, the pulmonologist, possibly the cardiologist, and get a PET scan.  I'm tired already.

We'll need a good surgeon, if the pulmo clears me for surgery.  PC says there's a guy in downtown Phoenix that does esophageal surgery in such a way that it's easier on lung patients.  I can't remember the name of the process, though.

Other options are that we go straight to chemo, which PC says for this type of cancer, assuming it's the esophogeal brand, should not have an impact on a patient with severe lung disease.

Happily, I work for a company that allows me the flexibility to work around all these obstacles.  I'm a registered telecommuter, one of the accommodations the company has already made for me due to my lung disease.  My manager says my top priority now is me.  He's a peach.

It's going to be a long year, or so, I think, but in the end, I hope to still be alive and kicking, not to mention EATING!  Where's my crab???

Xanax with a Scotch chaser....

Nah, not really.  I'd just do the Scotch solo. 

But, I did start that swallow awareness stuff at lunch time today, so I decided to call my doc and ask for some Xanax.  I had a 2007 prescription for it, quantity of thirty, of which twenty-seven are still in the bottle.  I would surmise that I'm probably not the type to get addicted to it.

Well, seems the PC (Primary Care) has decided he wants to see me tomorrow, so I'll take him my lovely tumor photos so I can ruin his lunch, too.  My appointment is at 1PM, so hopefully, he'll have the biopsy results back too.  Or... maybe he got them today, and that's why he wants to see me. :P

I got lots of hugs and love at work today, as a good 98% of our site already knows about my diagnosis.  I had called my boss on Friday to tell him of the excitement, and he told two friends, and THEY told two friends... you get my drift.

My dear friend, Linda, in HR said that happily, medical leave is a LOT more simple a transaction than it was in back in the day when I had Breast Cancer (BC).  So, at least that's one less thing about which to stress.

My co-worker, John, who I also think of as the younger brother I never had, and I were having a discussion of my exciting diagnosis, and we shared some jokes and I was feeling much more myself, i.e., able to cope and be the resident Finance comedian.  Of course, in the cube farm in which I work, if you blink, everyone in the aisle and then some can hear you.  So it was no surprise, really, when a lady from Procurement came by to tell me that I was an inspiration. 

HAH, I told her... you didn't see me on Saturday, when I was the queen of neurosis!  I've had time to digest this all, and put the ME back in the equation.  And I'm still the queen of neurosis, but she's currently tied up in the basement ... if I had a basement, that is.

It's just that one thing I learned from my last go-round with cancer is that it's so TIRING to be afraid all the time.  I'm much happier... being .. um... happy.  And I defintely still have the neuroses moments, but I'll have you know I played a good three hours of Dragon Age:  Origins tonight, and never gave my swallower one thought.

So, tomorrow it's off to the PC, and maybe I shall learn my cancer type, stage, etc.  Oh boy.  But, as with the BC, just give me a plan of attack, and I can cope.  It's the unknown that makes me nutso.  Oh, don't you love my acronyms?  Thirty-four years in aerospace... yeah, ... acronyms....