Infusing

Lots of very social and loud chemo patients here today.  Unfortunately, when people can't hear well, or live with someone that doesn't hear well, they tend to speak very VERY loudly.  They are giving me a headache.


Cancer has definitely given me patience.  Either that, or I am secretly lamenting my lack of a concealed weapon.  Just kidding, mostly.


I'll post more later.  I'm off to find a weapon.

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Now that I am home, where life is much quieter and more relaxing, and  because there were no weapons to be found, damn the luck, I can continue. :D


I had a new oncology nurse today, and I liked her quite a bit, but I couldn't read her name on her badge, although it started with a C.  She had a little trouble accessing my port.  Somehow, I think it says something about me, that I didn't mind the pain of the miss, as much as I minded the very loud, very obnoxious senior citizens.  Hmmmm.


And besides, what is another bruise?  I have the black hand of death thing going on from yesterday's visit with the phlebotamist.  Third stick was the charm, though, as usual.  


Oh how I hate Atropine.  But I think I probably should appreciate it for the reason it is given.  It's just that it makes me dizzy, screws with my ability to focus, and makes me irritable.  Thus my reaction to the decibel-blasting geriatric set.


So, I have to start my chemo pills (Xeloda) again, with dinner.  I have heard reports of people saying my blog has been about food quite a bit recently, but if you follow the pattern, that's only on my chemo off week.  Yeah, once I get my appetite back, I do tend to enjoy food again.  But for now, my chemo week ON, I tolerate it.  Gotta have something in my stomach to cushion the blow of the pills, but I do not actually enjoy it this week.  You should see how my weight fluctuates between the two weeks! :D


Have a great week, all.  Love, hugs and kisses!

Only 1 1/2 hours of chemo today!

Apparently Herceptin doesn't make you nauseated, because all I got today was a bag of Benadryl and the Herceptin... no anti-nausea, and THANK THE GODS, no Decadron, and no Pepcid.  So, it was a very quick chemo session.

Oh, and today was definitely NOT social chemo day.  Everyone was quiet, but actually, it wasn't as crowded as it has been.  I'd say not more than half the chairs were taken.  Most folks were sleeping.  I have NEVER been able to sleep during chemo, myself.  Of course, everyone is getting different stuff, so it's hard to say how anyone will react.

There was a woman there today who was TERRIFIED of every little thing that was happening to her.  Remember how I got that port implanted in my chest so that my chemo goes directly into it, instead of them having to find a vein every week?  Well, she had the same model as mine.  What scared her was when the oncology nurse accessed it, and didn't get any blood back following the initial flush of fluid into it.  Well, I haven't had any blood flowback in weeks, and mine is fine.  The oncology nurses know it's working because you can taste and smell whatever it is they use to do the initial flush.

So, I dragged my drip holding contraption over to where she was and told her that it's NOTHING to worry about; that I havent had blood flowback in weeks, and I'm fine.  I actually saw her get tears in her eyes, she was so relieved.  I just wish there was a way to take all that fear from people; it's not healthy.

Anyway, I know I used to post to the blog a couple of times during my chemo, but this went by so quickly today, I didn't have any time. :)

I don't have to go ANYWHERE tomorrow... no doctors, no labs, no chemo and no radiation... YAY!  Dr. Fastenberg says he wants my body to start recovering from the chemos I've already had.  Let's just see how Saturday and Sunday go, my historically worst days.  I don't think Herceptin is really like the other two meds.  And to tell you the truth, I haven't read anything about it.  I'm just at the point that I'm not going start scaring myself by reading the 72 possible side effects... que sera, sera, baby.

Love to all!

This one's all over the place...

Tomorrow, I return to the oncologist, and he will have had time to decipher all the path reports and my medical history.  Perhaps he will have decided on whether or not I will have radiation as well as chemo.

Thursday I'm having the surgery to install the infusion port in my chest, and I wonder how long after that it's good to use?  I mean, will Dr. F say my first chemo will be on Friday?  So far, I'm keeping up with work, and thanks to IM's, e-mail and the good old phone, I'm keeping in touch with my customers.  I can see a time coming when I end up working on the weekends because of chemo fatigue or something.  Even now, I'm finding it hard to start working at six in the morning; today I didn't get on-line until six-thirty... scandalous! :)

You know, when I found out I had this esophageal cancer, I wanted my mother back so badly.  And it's weird because at the end of her life, our roles had changed.  I became provider and care-giver, and she sometimes had almost childish moodiness, but thankfully, what's most easily remembered about my mom was her amazing stoicism.  Yet, I can think of no one on earth who was more emotionally fragile in some ways.  I'd hate to say I get my anxiety disorder from her, but, oh believe me, she was many times worse than I.

In her day, you didn't see therapists or counselors; you bucked up and dealt with it, or like her, tried to self medicate it away.  And maybe that's why I'm so leery of taking those Xanax unless someone's trying to put me in a tube.  I, on the other hand, am an advocate of therapy.  When my friend Evelyn died at 46, after a twenty year battle with breast cancer, I used our company's Employee Assistance on-site therapist to work through that grief, and those few sessions got me back on track with mental tools I use even now to make sense of life.

Of course, the writing has always been my best source of therapy; it helps me get outside of myself and see life for what it really is, not what my fears are trying to tell me it is.  And the projects.. oh yes, here is a shot of that very first mosaic, but this was pre-grout.

Music is something else that grounds me.  I love to listen to film scores and my favorite composers are Hans Zimmer, Danny Elfman, Thomas Newton Howard and Howard Shore.  My friend, Paul, introduced me to the work of Clyde Bawden, a composer and pianist I would NEVER in a zillion years have found on my own.  He composed wonderful music that accompanied a photography exhibit we all went to see last Christmas.  If you want to see some of the most evocative and touching photography ever, look up the work of Mark Mabry.  I'm not a Christian, but for me, it's all about the love and the sensitivity of this man's work.  I love it.

Now, I think it's time to go drag out my Tauren Druid and run a few old dungeons before they are forever banished into cyberspace.  Until tomorrow, dear readers!