Have I mentioned...

...how incredibly happy I am to be back at work?  :)

Currently, though, I am in the 'infusion ward' at Ironwoon Cancer and Research Center, starting off with my Benadryl cocktail before I get the main course, Herceptin.

Still not feeling great, but better than yesterday.  Once I get home and the Benadryl has left the building, I'll have an hour of work time to make up.  Not bad.  I got up early and got lots done.

Oh, and if I thought my out of pocket was bad the last time I was here... HAH, it was nothing compared to what I had to pay today.  I believe it involves something nasty called "Out of Pocket."  I don't know about you, but I'd be really happy to have that kind of cash to carry around in my pocket.  Last year it didn't exist.  This makes 2011 a bad year to have cancer, except(!) I'll be maxing out my OoP at the next treatment.

Still, darned better than no insurance at all.  At least I can GET treatment.

Alrighty, I'm past the Benadryl and on to the bag o' Herceptin.  Joy. :)

I'll sign off this post with this wish:
May your days be warm
May your nights be cool
May your year be happy and
May your heart be kind.

Back to Ironwood Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my Herceptin treatment over at Ironwood Cancer and Research Center.  I look forward to seeing the ladies at the front desk, and the oncology nurses.  I've missed them!  That place had become my second home for months.

I've not been feeling very well since the weekend.  In the mornings, I'm having some peripheral neuropathy in my fingers.  I'm checking my glucose and I don't think it's high enough for that.  And I noticed today that  it was much worse in the cold, and once I got into my office, it essentially was gone.  So I definitely have to tell them about that tomorrow. 

I kept dreaming about my nephew last night; just normal dreams, thank the gods.  He wasn't IN them, but they were all about him.  Hard to explain, I know, but it was more about how he affected people.  Or conversations about him, but he never appeared.  This is probably due to the fact that I haven't seen him since my brother's funeral in 2004.

Oh gosh, going back and forth to work has gotten a LOT easier, now that I don't have to lug that laptop around.  Boeing is always so good to me, in the person of my manager, Randy.  He truly does believe in accommodation.  Thank you, boss-person!  :)

As for tomorrow, I'll be telecommuting until it's time to leave for the Cancer Center, and then I'll continue when I get back.  I could TAKE my laptop and theoretically work from there, but I'm thinking it might be dangerous to play with numbers under the influence of that initial bag of Benadryl. :D I should be fine by the time I get home, though, so no worries.

Yesterday my sister and I made a really awesome risotto for dinner.  It was arborio rice and an equal portion of barley. Good carbs! :-0  Talk about a comfort food!  We don't even have childhood memories of it, since it wasn't in my mom's repertoire, but it's still comfort food in that it's warm and creamy and toothsome and delicious!  And it involved Irish Whiskey and Parmesan... 'nuff said.

I'll be taking my netbook with me tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll have more to say then, but for now, my love to all; keep warm and safe and eat some chocolate!

Choices

Sometimes life presents you with challenges; or rather life presents you with situations that may be challenging, depending upon how you perceive them and then handle them.

I had some very sad news yesterday that brought back memories of another time, equally sad and equally disturbing.  As happens, if the information I receive is heartbreaking, I cry, although I know I have to be careful because crying can really screw up my breathing.

Yesterday, I had to cry not only for the nephew I lost, but for the brother I had lost seven years ago.  In seven years, there is time to dull the sharp pain of grief; you do not forget, nor does the grief disappear, but it lingers in the background until a sight, sound or even a scent brings a memory to the forefront of your perceptions and you grieve anew.

As the day progressed, memories of my brother were definitely front and center; I couldn’t even turn them off very well to get to sleep, but I could replace the sad memories with those of happier times, and that is how I handle moments of grief that could figuratively bring me to my knees.

For weeks after my aunt died, all I could see when I closed my eyes was her in Intensive Care, hooked up to machines, with no way to communicate except with her beautiful, bright blue eyes.  It was a painful memory and would have driven me nuts if I hadn’t decided one day to just move it along.  I replaced it with the memory of her in Hawaii, in the elevator of the Hilton Rainbow Tower, singing ‘Stormy Weather’ despite not being alone in the car.  Well, yes, she HAD had one ChiChi too many, but that’s beside the point.  My sisters and I joined in and eventually, even the other couple started singing along.  We always had fun in our travels with my aunt.  Then as I traded the memory of her in Intensive Care for the memory of her in Hawaii, I could smile again... even laugh at our shenanigans.  We had amazing times that enriched our lives, and those were the ones I would remember.

So this morning, after a fitful sleep, I again had to make that conscious decision to move aside painful memories with ones that better reflected the wonderful man that was my brother.  And I’m good again.  There are many times life presents you with challenges, and it’s up to you to decide how you will handle them.  I will grieve for my nephew, and I will get through that and then remember his childhood antics with a smile, and try to work on creating happy memories for the future so that my family can have something to smile at when I am gone.

Love to all.

YAY for Weekends!

Now that I'm back among the working, I'm finding a renewed joy in the Weekend.  These two days that while on three months medical leave seemed so mundane, so much like all the rest, except for not having to get fried on them, have now become as precious as gold. :)

Well, perhaps that's a tad dramatic, but here I sit with my cup of hot coffee, and no reason to leave the house, or try to do something to my mangy crop of hair, the three that are left, or even coordinate an outfit.  I'm in sweat pants and shirt.  HAH!  Well, yes, they DO coordinate....life is good.

I've always wanted a pair of FitFlop sandals.  FootSmart sends me catalogs all the time and they just look so comfy.  Of course sandals are not really a good choice at this time, so I just gaze longingly at them, and then move along.

And then, the demon that is Amazon.com showed me FitFlop CLOGS!  For many years now, I've been going between Birkenstocks, Sketchers, and yes, I confess, a multitude of colors of Crocs.  Oh believe me, in my day, I adored high heels; nothing made my legs look more amazing, but once I started to lose my lung function, and walking became harder and harder, they had to go. 

So, anyway, I'm sitting here, sipping my coffee, wearing sweats and ... my new FitFlop Clogs!  They did get trapped in Indiana in the snow for a couple of days, but they are here now, and I love 'em!  And no, I didn't pay for them in Pounds Sterling. :D

They do something strange to your stride, though, and that takes some getting used to, but they fit very well, look great and feel wonderful.  Maybe this summer I will get some sandals.

Now I have a duty to perform; find a good recipe for a nice dinner.  So, I am off to research recipes.  Keep warm, all, and love to EVERYONE!

Oh and yes....

... I have turned on the heat pump.  I like a little chill while I sleep, but, those morning showers are no fun.  So, the heat pump is set to a blistering 63! :D

Happy Birthday, my dear sister, Jane!

Without you, I probably would not have gotten through all that chemo and radiation with such ease.  You kept me fed and kept my spirits up, and generally ensured that I knew I was loved and well looked-after.  I love you so very much!

Of course, once she discovers I've posted this picture of her on my Blog, it might be the end of me. :D

That's my orange wing amazon parrot, Vinnie the Vampire posing with her.  Oh, and .. that IS her Halloween costume from that year, not something she habitually wears around the house.... hehehe.

I am thankful every day that you and Nancy came to live with me after your stints in the Navy.  I would not be here without you, that's certain.

Now, if only you had the power to make this horrific cold weather go away!  It was 28 this AM, but the wind made it feel like 17.  I don't think I have ever experienced cold like that in my life, except for a business trip to Chicago, or maybe it was that February wedding in Boston.  Who gets married in FEBRUARY in Boston? ;)

But at least I can stay home tomorrow and keep warm, and listen to some great music while I work.  Yes, I'm really, really tired again, but I think not quite as bad as I was Monday after going into the plant, so maybe I am building up my endurance. :D

I hope this post finds you all safe and home and warm and loved.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I don't want to whine about being cold, when in reality, it's a hell of a lot better out here than in most of the rest of the country.  And yet... it's so cold!  I think it hurts us so much because we are not prepared for it.   It's like when Chicago gets to be 100.  They are not prepared for that, either.  And by prepared, I mean we're not USED to it; we don't really have the clothes for it, nor the fortitude.

Got to telecommute today, as I mentioned in yesterday's blog.  This was good in several ways.  One, I doubt I could have got myself up to my desk in a timely manner.  Like ... oh, in time to get ready to go home.  But I am going in to the plant tomorrow.  Despite the physical exhaustion, I get a quite amazing emotional boost from being there.  It's something I really need to sustain my optimism as I fight this cancer.  I see such hope for the future in our programs, and in our youngest team members.  How can you NOT be optimistic!  I want to be around for many more years yet, and I think being engaged in the workforce, and doing a job I adore is definitely part of the equation.

It's kind of odd, the enjoyment I got out of some of my more mundane responsibilities today.  Things that normally would have made me roll my eyes in disdain actually perked me up today.  Oh the joy that is administrative tasks. :D

Oh, and I haven't missed playing World of Warcraft one bit.  I mean think about it; I got to play it any time I could drag myself to a computer, while I was out on leave.  Of course, yesterday by the time I got home from work, all I wanted to do was sit in my green chair and click on my TV's remote while wrapped up in a cozy blanket.  I did get in a little play time after dinner tonight, though.

Yes, life is amazingly good to me, all things considered.  Now, all of you out East, please be safe and warm.  I love many of you; and you know who you are. :)