Sunny Day

It's Saturday morning, cool with a light breeze, and the veggies are going gangbusters.  I counted five squash blossoms this morning, and the spinach is looking fantastic.


I spent some time in the past couple of days, looking through old family photos.  It brought back many memories and made me smile.  It's a bit sad, as well, seeing those that are no longer with us, but at least with the help of family photos, we'll never forget them, either.  And then there are those people we never even got to meet, like my grandparents.  Heck, my parents were old enough to be my grandparents, but it didn't help that both sets of grandparents died young.  I wonder what they were like?  


Finally began playing World Of Warcraft again, albeit half-heartedly.  I'm restless.  I had another ocular migraine yesterday, which was bizarre.  I usually go YEARS in between them, and this was four days from the last.  I know I've got some stress, which isn't being relieved in my usual manner of taking the NuStep through its paces.  But I try to make circuits around my garden, so that I can be on my feet and keep moving.  And that counts two-fold:  some exercise and an appreciation of how lucky I am that I have such a beautiful garden.  


Today we're heading back into the 90's.  We've almost had a whole week off, and it was much appreciated.  Soon we'll hit those triple digits and I won't want, or even be able to walk much in the garden.  The high temps make your heart rate go crazy, and you can hear it in your head. But of course, living here, you know how to deal with it.  Stay inside until the sun goes down, or get up and go outside before it comes up.  Do what you can to minimize its intrusion into your home.  I have Coolaroo shades on my bedroom windows, which face East.  They really do a fine job cutting the heat without limiting the light too drastically.   


Friday I go for my labs to see if that Neulasta shot has done its job and kept my white counts up.  Then the day after Memorial day, it's back to Ironwood for my six hour infusion.  I think I'll take the Netbook again.  We'll see.


Have a great weekend, all.

Jerry Edward Sepulveda, Rest Well, My Brother

My brother passed away just after 11 this morning.  He was a Halloween baby, born with an old soul.  More serious than many of us, but remember, he was the one that would choose MAD Magazine as his treat. :)


Jes and I could talk on the phone for hours.  My mom always wondered what in the hell we found to talk about, but there are infinite topics in life, and he was always ready to explain how he felt about anything or any one.  Music, movies, TV, NASCAR; he loved digging into what made each thing what it was.  His background in media gave him contacts with people 'in the business.'  I could always get the scoop on who was the biggest asshole in Hollywood, or who had incredible business acumen, or who never paid their bills, or who was amazingly shy and kind in real life.


I will miss you so much, my brother, but say hello to mom, dad, auntie, Hooper and Lobo.  I'll see you again, eventually.  

Harmon Killebrew, RIP

It always amazes me that we wait so long to put ourselves in Hospice care.  It's an American thing, I think; we just somehow believe something is coming at the last minute that will save us.  A stay of execution, if you will.   I hope I have the fortitude to play my last hand with determination and skill, and put myself in hospice so that I have some time to actually enjoy being with my family and friends at the end.  Hey, it's not like I'm not looking for that stay of execution, but I'm pretty sure, in my case, we'll get no call from the governor. ;)


Here's a blurb on Harmon Killebrew, a Hall of Famer for the Minnesota Twins.  This was a guy who sold insurance, drank root beer and had an apparently serene family life.  How did HE get this disease?  Babe Ruth, the man to whom Killebrew was many times compared, seemed much more a candidate, if you believe the profile of a patient with Esophageal Cancer.  Older man, hard-living (i.e. smoked and drank like a fish), white.  Methinks it's all some crazy crapshoot.  I apparently rolled craps.. or crap,.. either way.


Oh boy, I can look out my front window, here and see pigeons doing a mating dance.  Charming.  Well, not actually.  The boat-tailed grackles do it better.  More finesse, more showmanship, better plumage.


I haven't been playing World of Warcraft at all since the last chemo.  I just haven't felt 'good' enough.  Maybe by this weekend, I'll have more ooomph.  Ooomph would be good. :)


Well, I think now that my work day has ended, it might be time to take a little rest.  I don't say nap because I rarely sleep, but I feel the need to lie down.


Love to all!

Ocular Migraine

Early this morning, we had word that my brother is in hospital in California, after experiencing a heart attack.  Our SIL assured us that the docs say he'll be fine.  Ai chihuahua, we're all falling apart!


I got busy with my numbers and pretty pictures at work, but... wait... what?  Oh no!  I thought I was LONG past having another of them.  It was the dreaded ocular migraine.  I like to call it having a glowing aztec print utterly consume your vision. The first time it happened to me was in 2001, and I was terrified.  Sister took me to urgent care, and while we were waiting in line to sign in, it went away.  I quickly urged her to take me back home, then called my regular doc who talked to a neurologist friend who clued me in as to what it was.  It's not a problem, really, you just have to wait for it to pass.  Be quiet, be calm, and it'll run its course.  Luckily, I get the type that makes you go blind, but not the type that hurts like hades. :)  Today's lasted just over fifteen minutes.


There are many contributing factors to why one gets these:  stress (HAHAHAHA), not enough sleep to rest the eyes (Check!), and medications (ding ding ding!)  I told my sister that my medicine area in my bedroom was starting to look like the one kept padlocked in "Sweet November."  I thought that particular example was such overkill, but now, I'm not so sure. :P


For instance, I get chemo.  I take Neulasta to help get me through chemo. Then I take Vicodin to get me through Neulasta, and Compazine to get me through the Vicodin.  Better living through Chemistry?  Gods, I hope so.  Otherwise, this is all a sham and the pharmaceutical companies are the epitome of evil on earth.... hmmmm.


Still, I have crossed two of those, Vicodin and Compazine, off the list for this  round of chemo, as of today.  I've still got a bit a pain in my ankles and feet, but it's just normal achiness now, and besides, I wanted a glass of WINE!  I deserve a glass of wine! Just don't tell my doc how big this glass is... <wink, wink>.  And I am just kidding... mostly.


So, have sweet dreams, all.  Kiss your dogs, cats, husbands, wives, gerbils, llamas, or whatever needs kissing (keep it legal!), and I'll see you back here tomorrow. :)

Had an Appetite Today!

Today was the first time, for this round of chemo, that I felt like eating!  My sisters made me a slice of french toast and I also relished some lovely bacon.  Who doesn't enjoy a nibble of bacon now and then?  I sure do, and I really did this morning.


I didn't eat much for lunch, but I made some veggies and brown rice for dinner, simmered in a sweet potato and chipotle organic soup.  Oh, it was so good!  Jane went out and grabbed one of the newly grown Serrano chilies, and a good bit of the black opal basil, and we tossed that in, with some red bell pepper, grey Mexican squash, zucchini, roma tomatoes, and I finished it with a little garlic infused olive oil.  Ummmm, it was quite satisfying.  I am not eating lots, but I am eating, and that's a very good sign.  Thursday I was sure I was going to die, and frankly, I almost wanted to, and today, I can think happy thoughts, eat, and mostly agree that I can get through this round of chemo.


It's back to work, virtually, for me tomorrow.  And thank gods for the ability to keep one's mind occupied with doing something responsible and important.  Being productive and useful definitely helps keep me going.  Dr. Ramaswamy, my PCP, asked me on Friday how my mental health was keeping up through this, and I told him that of course, I cried when Dr. Fastenberg told me about the Adrenal tumor and how it had multiplied in size, but I also told him that once I cry, and get it out of my system, I'm pretty resilient.  But believe me, if I for one minute think I'm going to need some help emotionally, I have lots of resources available to me.


One of those is the oncology nurse that calls me frequently to check up on me.  This is one of my work benefits.  She convinced me that I really did need to start taking pain killers for the Neulasta problem, and we discussed how to prevent the same agony after my next round of chemo.  Her name is Beth, and she's in Minnesota, and she's fantastic!  She also helps me keep my prognosis and treatments in perspective.  


I was sorry to read that Harmon Killebrew is ending his esophageal cancer treatments, but I can certainly understand such a decision.  I admire his courage.  Safe to say, I think that decision is still quite a way off for me.  I still have a fantastic quality of life.  One of the other things Dr. Ramaswamy and I talked about was my home situation.  He's thrilled that I have such great care-givers in my sisters; that there is always someone here with me, someone to get me to treatments when I can barely move, someone to make sure I eat, and most of all someone that loves me.  Oh I have that in spades, folks. :)


So, tomorrow starts a new week, and things are looking brighter, and I'm happy, and the pain is settling into my lower extremeties, and not all over the place; I hear that's a sign it's almost over... YAY!  And if the Neulasta works, and I can do my chemo on schedule, .. then yes, even that horrible Thursday from hell was worth it.


Now, love to all; be kind and make someone smile.  

Vicodin, Praise the Gods

I SLEPT! From around 8:30PM to 3:30AM.  I SLEPT!


Because I have this weird fear of painkillers (Remember the Queen of Neuroses doesn't have to be logical), I had to force myself to take HALF a Vicodin before I tried to get to sleep.  After about a half an hour, when I didn't feel horrible, I took the second half, and that calmed the bone pain enough to get me to where I could fall asleep.  Sadly, it didn't get rid of it all.  And now what's with this weird twitching?  My legs now have a mind of their own, and start dancing around to their own beat, painful though it is.  I don't know if this is part of the Neulasta or something from the chemo.  I don't remember it from last time, but then again, last time wasn't this mega dose, either.

On to happier subjects:  We have about six serrano chilies ready to be harvested.  The squashes are just now budding, there is a second tomato on one of the other plants, and the spinach and collard greens are on steroids, apparently.  It's a good life, being a farmer. :D  Of course, you know I'm doing nothing towards the care of the 'farmland.'  That's been all Jane and Cathy.  I hope you can actually SEE the serrano in the picture above.


Anyway, today, I'm actually feeling a bit more human; haven't let out a single whimper. :)  Must go find some breakfast.  Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

Neulasta... torture in a syringe

Thursday I did something I don't think I have ever done in my life:  spent the day whimpering in pain.  As it turns out, I can whimper with the best of them.  All I can say is that this damned stuff had better really be cranking out the white cells, because I'm not taking the pain very well.


Dr. R, my PCP gave me some Vicodin today.  I'm not a great taker of pain killers, but I'm going to take one of these before I try to sleep tonight.  And I think the government should reconsider torture as a method of extracting information from the bad guys.  No, not waterboarding; shoot 'em up with Neulasta.  I would have told anyone anything to get the pain to stop.


Anyway, you all know I'm kidding about the torture... mostly.  


And now, I'm going to try to get some sleep.  And dream of a place where every bone in your body doesn't feel like it's on fire.