Chemo... the new Social

Today I chatted with a 27-year old, going to school, doing his chemo.  Man, cancer sucks.

Hey, I'm looking like a chipmunk, thanks to the steroids. 

I took two pictures, but the other one points out the lovely dark circles under my eyes.  I may look like I have mange, but darnit, no one needs to see my dark circles. :D

Anywho, it's after 1PM, now and I've done the Taxol and I'm on the Carboplatin.  Next week, I get a break.  My white cell counts are down.  And my lungs are having a hard time getting air out.  So, we're going to start fresh again with chemo on December 2nd.

I'll guess that next week we're only going to do radiation Monday through Wednesday.  I i'll be having a CT with contrast on 11/30.

Oh, Jane watched a kindly soul here fax the leave paperwork to Aetna.  And I have the originals, so maybe I'll fax 'em from my house, too.  Cover the bases.  Ewww. baseball reference. :P

Dr. Fastenberg says we'll probably, if I respond well to it, do the Herceptin for the duration.  That means, as long as I'm still alive.  I told him about the lady I met last week, who'd been doing it weekly for six years.  He said,"well, she has breast cancer, whole other situation."  I didn't get a real positive vibe from that very statement.  Maybe that was why I cried.  But I'm good, now... back to happy.  Can't keep this woman down for long!

Love to all!

Today I Cried...

...and I'm not sure why.  Dr. F didn't say anything I didn't already know, but somehow it just hit me today, that I am not going to survive this.  I think it's the first time someone has actually stated out loud that I am Stage IV.  Maybe when he mentioned finding a good surgeon, I got really scared.  Dr. F already told me surgery would kill me.  I reminded him of this and he said yeah, it probably would but we should cover our bases.  He also said he's probably going to have me do a MUGA scan, to check for any damage from the Herceptin.


I may not have lots years before me, and I cannot be cured, but what I can do is prolong my life, and enjoy all the important things, like loving my sisters and my friends.  And in the spirit of Thanksgiving, let me tell you all the wonderful points in my life, and definitely not in any particular order:

• Drinking good coffee... I know, I've waxed poetic about coffee already, so I won't bore you with my love the brew.
• My amazing sisters:  Jane, Wendy, Nancy and Cathy.  They take care of me so well.  May you always love each other and have patience.
• My weird and wonderful family
• Pete, my deceased brother... don't mind me working so hard to not be with you again, too soon. 
• Cee, my Reverend Sister.  She calls and checks up on me a lot.  You'll see the Lake Havasu visitor on my blog... that's my sis!
• Pico, I may never understand, but I love you, and I know you'll be there, too, with Pete,... probably doing Motocross.
• Jes, you eat right, enjoy the music and be happy.
• Sam, hang in there, woman.  Just love your family and remember to find appreciation for something each day.
• All my nieces, nephews, inlaws, .... we must hold tight and never stop loving each other.  Distances be damned... we have Facebook!
• Sweet Chihuahuas.. and even the ones that aren't so sweet... Argo.
• Health insurance! :D

Obviously there are tons more, but the Benadryl is kicking in and I'm getting all looooopy.

Do me a favor, kiss someone you love, but haven't kissed in a while. 

Thursday - Marathon Chemo and Radiation

Jon and Michelle, my friends from Chicago, should be here by the time I get home from Ironwood Cancer and Research Center.  Today I spend my entire day there.  Believe me, there are worse places to spend a day.  I'm not going to take my giant gaming laptop; it's too much trouble.  I'll take my pretty little red netbook and just have fun with that.

Jane's going to be with me the whole time, too, but she'll have her Nintendo DS.  Give her Bookworm and some Mah Jong, and she's happy as a clam.  Include endless coffee and life is good!

I'd better check that Dr. Fastenberg's filled out my leave paperwork again, or I am so screwed.  Yes, I have savings, but I need my paycheck to make sure I still have savings when this is all over. 

Anywho, I should go eat something.  I've done all my asthma drugs for this morning, and I am coughing a bit, but not more than usual for the morning.

I'm sure I'll be posting more today, during chemo.  Hugs and kisses.

It's Lab Day..

Time to see the phlebotomist for my CBC with Platelets and Differentials. We're checking to see if my white blood cells are doing well.  Gotta have them to fight off any infections that might come my way.

I got my package of Breathe Healthy masks.  I ordered two.  I'll only probably use them at the phlebotomist, because that place is busy no matter what time of day, and if the last two times there are any indication, the joint is full of sick people. ;)

We're on radiation 15 today.  I ate some of the lovely Mu Gu Gai Pan yesterday, and then I had a Lindor Truffle, the 60% extra dark chocolate one.  Oh holy moses on a muffin, those puppies are frighteningly scrumptious.  I think they have been put on earth as a test of one's ability to resist eating the entire bag at one sitting.  I did resist, but it was touch and go for a while.

Well, I had better go drink a couple glasses of water so that the blood flows well for the... wait for it.... PHLEBOTOMIST!

BTW, my oldest niece is becoming certified as one; I'm very proud of her. :)

Tired Cubed?

I'm so weak it's scaring me.  I'm great if I just sit here and type.  I just got home from Radiation 14, and I'm so tired I want to cry, but that would be far too much work. ;)

I worry it's my lungs, but I'm watching them, and my sats (oxygen saturation, or the level of oxygenation of my blood) are staying above 96, and my peak flow numbers are par for me.  And I did 24 minutes this morning on my recumbent stepper, albeit not at my normal pace, only about 75 steps per minute.  The radiation tech said I probably need more protein.  I sent Jane out for some Mu Gu Gai Pan.  And if that doesn't work, then I'll swill another bottle of Glucerna.  Yes, I lost another pound.  If I wasn't sick, I'd be ecstatic. :D

So this week's notes for my consultation with Dr. F:

• weakness
• dizziness
• tiredness
• and certainly I should be doing the stepper, right?

Now, I'm going to go sit in my Poang chair and relax.  Hugs and kisses to all... tired ones, but there you go. :)

Tired, tired, tired...

It really amazes me how 40 seconds of being zapped by radiation, five times a week, can make you feel weak as a kitten.  Some days, I'll go outside to get the mail, if I see our postal person our there, and it feels like I have to go miles across the desert to get there.  But believe me, I want to walk; I want to stay up on my feet and push and not let this weakness bring me down.  And, not to worry, it won't... I'm far too ornery. ;)

Isn't coffee a wonderful pleasure?  I think back to my parents, and when I say that, you should know that I had three;  Mom, Dad, and my mom's sister, Auntie, who had always lived with us.  There was always coffee in the house.  Of course we children were not interested, nor would we be given any.  Oh sure, with eight of us, wouldn't it be great if we were caffeine'd up?  Gods forbid.

Not sure when I picked up the love of coffee.  I drink mine black, for the most part. As did my parents, as Dad was diabetic, and Mom was diagnosed, too, many years later.  We didn't, in fact, have much sugar at all in our lives, except for Halloween or when my dad's sisters Charlotte and Cecilia gave us all our Easter Baskets.  Oooh, See's Candy eggs.... great memories there.

Coffee just tastes good to me.  Wendy, on the other hand, never developed the taste for it.  In this house Jane and I can drink coffee all day.  I've been known to get up, have a cup of coffee, and then go back to sleep.  Mom was the same way.  I wonder if we become caffeine resistant.

Today is radiation number 14.  Is it weird that I am counting them?  I think I count them because of all the warnings I have had of the cumulative effect of them, and so far, I'm doing pretty well, and you'd think after thirteen of them, I might be having pain, irritation, etc.  Thankfully, I'm not; at least not enough to worry about.

I saw the Radiation Oncologist following my zap yesterday, and she was delighted with my appearance, my lungs and my progress... and remember, we LIKE it when she's happy. :D  I just don't know enough about this progression to understand what's good and what's not good, but Dr T certainly does.  I have great respect for her.  So if she's happy, so am I!

Had to do some bedroom re-arranging yesterday.  My NuStep got moved over toward my closet so that I could steal the Poang chair and ottoman from Cathy's room.  Gosh, this thing is so comfortable.  When I get tired, I sit there and shuffle through the seventy zillion cable channels, and usually find nothing I want to watch.  But, I cuddle up there with Lindsay's and Sandi's quilt and revel in that softness.  I am spoiled. ;)

Well, I think I'll go try to play some World of Warcraft for a bit.  I hear all the major cities are under attack, so I must go defend my homeland.  Zug Zug!

Bright Sunlight

On June 3rd, 1985, I moved from the land of my birth, Los Angeles, California, to the Phoenix suburbs of Arizona.  I don't think a day has passed since that day, that I haven't marveled at how beautiful the sky is out here in the desert.

That first week, my mom and dad and aunt were here, helping me move, and it was bittersweet.  I lived at home until I moved here, and while I knew where I was going career-wise, I never really wanted to be away from my family.  But you have to severe those ties, eventually, and begin making your own way, even if you do make lots of mistakes along the way.  My little sister moved out here with me, so I was not alone.  She was 18, and ready to begin college.  We had so much fun, figuring out life with only each other for support instead of that HUGE family back in California.

Arizona has stars.  It's true!  You can see them at night; bright, sparkling like Swarovski crystals against midnight blue satin.  L.A.'s skies were so saturated with artificial light at all times, you never got to see a star.  It became a ritual for me, when heading out to work in the morning, to greet Orion, because I could see him up there, stable, and always on the hunt.

I remember the first taste of summer monsoons.  The wind would come up, the sky would turn yellow-grey, and the dust would shroud everything.  Then the thunder would roar and it would rain so hard you couldn't see across the street.  It was frightening in its intensity, but then in its aftermath, there was a break from the summer heat, and there is nothing like the scent of wet desert; it's comforting and homey and wraps you in calm.

This is such a primal world, the desert, and although we have all the modern comforts and conveniences, this primal world still struggles to dominate over it all.  The scorpions continue to try to invade the house every year; the black widows and preying mantis keep watch over vegetation that always seems to have thorns of some kind.  And I can deal with them all, except those darned Wolf Spiders... just something about spiders with hairy legs that gives me the willies. :D

Anyway, it's a crazy-bright morning again, and I think I'll head outside and get myself a little Vitamin D to kick off my day.  I'll be seeing the radiation oncologist today, after zappage, and I need to tell her that I feel like I'm getting acid reflux or something, and it's interfering with sleep.

Be safe and well, all.