Gifts

As soon as my sister left the area, I cried in the nurse's arms, and BOY did I cry.  I told her I didn't think I could do it again.  You see, I had breast cancer and got through that pretty darned well, but it's not easy.

Now, I'm a few years older, and my lungs are a bit worse for wear, and I just felt defeated.  But of course, the news was still raw and I hadn't had a chance to digest it.  All I felt was just the depths of fear that can choke the life out of you.  But Jane, my sister, was coming back, so I had to stop crying and put on my coping face.

Most of Friday I worked on trying to keep the fear from making me insane.  Normally, I would have gone and researched this diagnosis, but I wouldn't go near the healthcare sites.  I was way too afraid they would tell me I could kiss my tookus goodbye.  Besides, until the biopsy results show up, it's all just speculation.  Do I need to make myself feel worse than I already do by reading things that will scare me until I cower under my sheet in abject misery?  Well, no.  I have Ally to kill.. but that's another story.

Saturday was a long day.  I had gone to bed really early on Friday, so I was awake at six-ish, and made coffee.  I then spent most of Saturday wondering how everything I ate or drank was making its way past the huge alien in my chest.  Oooh, that's not a good place to go:  Aliens... chest... John Hurt... but I digress.

The worst part of Saturday was being aware of swallowing.  I mean HYPER aware.  I'm a very severe asthmatic, and I have had problems with anxiety most of my life, but I have mostly been able to work on my breathing rhythms to keep the major panic attacks at bay.  But if there is one thing this alien HAS done, it's made me not so aware of my breathing. 

I'm an analyst; business/finance analyst, and I rely on data, I obsess about data.  So, when it comes to health, I have to have data.  I measure my lungs usually once a day, and pop the findings into a massive spreadsheet that goes back to 2004 when things started to really get bad lung-wise.  I haven't blown into my peak flow meter in days.  And really, I think I'm about par for where I have been of late.  Crappy. 

But this morning, Sunday, I woke to an insanely bright day.  There was a beautiful breeze which lured me outside, and there I found my hibiscus blooming crazily and I thought, wow, what a gift this day is!  And voila!  My appreciation was back.  That's what keeps me going; appreciation. 

Such as, my baby sister, Wendy, who calls me every single day and never fails to help me keep my perspective from tilting.  And my sisters that came to live with me several years ago, when our mom's health was failing and my lungs were crapping out.  Jane's out there making me beef barley soup and the scent is warm and loving and frankly quite yummy.  And today, the outlook on life is just somehow brighter and tomorrow I'll go to work, and be all normal, and when the biopsy data comes and we decide what we have to do, I'll do it.  It'll probably all suck, but I'll do it, because eventually, my appreciation will return and I'll find all these wonderful gifts once again.